This year I have discovered a lot about myself. I came out to my parents and it started a train of events that landed me in a couple of mental hospitals. I am ashamed of why I went and some things that went down…

My whole life I have been in denial. I have tried to hide my sexuality from myself. Grew up in a very conservative state and heard remarks at the dinner table that were not the most comforting. I remember the first time I had feelings for a boy. At tennis drills in middle school. I repressed them and soon shut down. I started being more inhibited and avoidant. This would lead to anxiety, poor self esteem, and shame. I remember having thoughts about hurting my friend when I started to think about another boy that I was attracted to. It was scary.

This past year things resurfaced and I came to accept that I am gay. I came out to my parents and went back into the closet. A couple months later I cried on the phone and told my mom I am gay. I had so many memories from the past that were good, which had been resurfaced after I did. When I talked with my dad that same night, I became very angry. And scared. I came out to my brothers the same night and told my parents I needed space for a while.

In the summer I did a lot of reflecting. Thought about my relationship with my dad and how his bizarre behavior made sense. I think he is in denial of his sexuality. But I have focused too long on changing him when I need to just focus on me. In the summer I had thoughts about moving away. Had thoughts about hurting my family. I was manipulative and although I did a lot of reflecting, I never put into place advice my therapist, friends, or family had told me. This internal battle got too much the week before school. I had thoughts about hurting others and didn’t think I could handle school. So I checked into a psychiatric hospital. I remember being outside and so angry waiting. I was angry at everyone. I once again was manipulative to my family. In the hospital I was so angry, and just didn’t know what to do. I thought I was going to die. I checked out feeling more grounded than ever. Helped me out a lot. Once again I had thoughts about hurting my family and although I put things into practice that I was given, I ignored my psychiatrists advice to get some space from my parents. Tried to make it work, but I am growing up and need to do my own thing.

Went to another facility. This time I was in a worse state than before. I was manipulative again. And tried my best to get out of my distress. Thought I was losing my mind in there, but luckily it was just a stressful situation. After that I went to another facility. For a couple of months. This one was really good, although I still had the feelings that led me to going.

I am now in a recovery program and really just want to get back to living. I have many people that support me, but I need to work on loving myself before I can get into relationships. I think that talking more openly about my problems with people will help. Regardless it is time to focus on me and my future. Facing my feelings.

I would love advice or comments if anyone has an opinion or thought that comes to mind.