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My toxic close childhood friend

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  • March 26, 2015 at 11:58 am #74499
    ryan
    Participant

    I’ve been friends with another guy for a little more than half my life now … We met in 6th grade, and I’m not going to go into the gory details of how he isolated me from all my other friends because of jealousy or how he passed his insecurities onto me and how cruel he was to me or all the emotional manipulation that I endured throughout high school.

    Anyways, I’m in college now, and he’s my roommate. And you’re probably wondering why I’m still friends with him … and probably because before I was nice and knew that he didn’t have that many friends … but now it’s because I’m pretty much lonely and insecure, and diffident about my abilities to make new friends — my self esteem is basically lower than it’s ever been. .

    Anyways, I’m distancing myself from him despite being his roommate, and trying to find happiness. I’ve recently learned to separate my emotions from him and I’ve found a bit more freedom. But I can’t trust in myself to be happy anymore without someone squashing down on my happiness. I’m so afraid just to be happy and be myself. My fear around him has basically invaded all other parts of my life, and I can’t trust anyone. I’m just basically anxious around everyone, and my self-esteem is really low.

    Does anyone have any tips on how to not be afraid to be happy or be myself without the fear of his bullying even when he’s not even around me. Like, in high school, I constantly was forced to be around him in classes and he would follow me around, and I felt so trapped, and even now despite his low presence in my life other than being my roommate, I feel so trapped. I feel like his influence and my low-self esteem is infecting my ability to make new connections. I know that the source is somewhere inside me and I’m not sure how I can love myself more or trust myself more to be free. I just want to be free from his influence..

    • This topic was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by ryan.
    March 27, 2015 at 2:46 am #74518
    Will
    Participant

    Hm, that’s a tricky situation you’re in.

    A few things come to mind.

    1. You can take your power back. It’s going to be tough because for so long you’ve been giving it to him, and even now that he’s not the great looming presence in your life that he was, it feels like he’s still sapping your power. But actually, it’s not him sapping it. It’s you giving it away. Once you know that deeply, you will find ways to stop giving it away. It comes from you. Give it to you.

    2. On a practical level, is there any way you can apply for a switch of roommates? I don’t know how this works but if you can swing that I think it will make a big difference, even if you don’t hang out socially.

    3. This will take time. Growing your self-esteem, your ability to connect with people and your happiness will be a long term project. Don’t be down on yourself or feel disheartened if you don’t feel better straight away, or if you still have bad days (or really bad days). That’s a natural part of the growing process. Just continue to do the things and take the steps that you decide will help you grow.

    4. I could suggest things that will help you grow these qualities in your life, but I don’t know what will be right for you, and the list of possibilities is almost endless. So this is just a quick list to get you thinking. Join a club or society; try to make small talk with someone you don’t know every morning; meditate; choose a subject in your studies and ask the teacher if you can do extra work for extra credit, working closely with the teacher; plan an outing to a different city (maybe a weekend trip) and go there; or a museum, theatre, whatever; invite someone along; go on your own; write a letter expressing your feelings to your roommate; write a letter forgiving him; post them; don’t post them; have a look at your wardrobe and think about what your style is, and how you could express your personality through your clothes; express yourself through a different art form; join a support group; get involved in student politics; wait no, for pity’s sake don’t get involved in student politics; what am I saying it might be right for you.

    You get the idea. Basically, think of something to do that you wouldn’t normally do and that feels a bit weird or uncomfortable, then do it, then monitor how you feel and adjust your actions until they feel empowering and you feel like you’re getting closer to yourself. Maybe these examples are way out there for you. You can start small. You can start really small.

    Repeat.

    You’ll find more and more freedom and happiness as you keep working on this through the years. Know you’re not alone. Most people have some shit from their childhood dragging them down, and most seem happy on the surface regardless. Many of us actually make it to real happy, too. I hope you will find your way.

    All my best wishes.

    March 28, 2015 at 1:32 am #74555
    HollyBollyBoo
    Participant

    Dear Blue1234,
    I had good parents, not abusive, very supportive…good childhood. For some reason I went to the “dark side” as a young adult, got into drugs, hung around the same and ended up with a couple really abusive boyfriends…It took YEARS for me to get my self esteem back to the point where I could function with confidence…where I had inner peace.
    The turning point came when I DECIDED to make the change…Later, I looked back and wondered what the heck happened. After reading your post, I can see myself in you. Clearly when we allow a person in our life that does not uplift us, that TRIES to bring us down and FEEDS on that process ~ our self esteem is in check.
    Realize you have value and you need to disengage this friendship. Notice I did not say END. Just move on…At 52 I have found that not all friends stick around for the long haul. Very few do. Infact, that is a sign I feel, of evolution. I have evolved out of the person who allowed abusive people in my life. I have no time.
    Perhaps the book co-dependent no more would help. It’s pretty well known and it helped me to plan my escape.
    Here’s a tool for you that requires no reading or purchasing of anything…
    … make a vocabulary of positive words, any words that you find positive and uplifting…and maybe try just saying these words to yourself a LOT. In the shower, on your way to class, after leaving class, in line at the store, while putting on your socks…anytime and everytime you have a MOMENT.
    That could be step one…
    Step two…I must agree with Will
    GET A DIFFERENT ROOMMATE!!!
    You can NOT do this soon enough. RUN, GET AWAY, DISTANCE YOURSELF, and keep talking to yourself with positive UPLIFTING words.
    Hope you flea the situation as soon as possible.

    March 28, 2015 at 8:09 pm #74571
    ryan
    Participant

    dear will,
    thank you so much for your response!!

    it’s so comforting to know that i’m not alone in this, and your advice on doing things that make me a little uncomfortable and not beating myself up too much for having bad days really moved me. i’m seeing a counselor for this issue, but this is the first time anyone’s given me such clear detailed instructions, and it’s literally such a relief to know how to deal with this situation.

    and yes! i already made the move to share an apartment with a different group of guys next semester, so i’m hoping that will put an even greater distance between us (assuming that my current roommate won’t come and find us ….).

    just reading your advice gave me so much comfort and hope. it means so much to me. thank you

    March 28, 2015 at 8:19 pm #74572
    ryan
    Participant

    hi hollybolly 🙂

    thank you so much for your advice. we are really similar!!! my family is really loving and supporting too, but i guess it’s just my bad choice in friends that has gotten me stuck in this rut …

    definitely trying to flee the situation. i am moving out next semester which hopefully will help me recover. also, your tip on saying positive things to myself is so perfect for me. i’m always confused on where to start when it comes to loving myself, and it seems like a really practical start. i will definitely practice that starting today and try to remove as much negativity from my mind as possible.

    seeing it as moving on and disengaging is seriously so true because i don’t want to destroy what we had from childhood, and also disengaging lets me separate myself from him despite seeing him everyday. just the idea of moving and hearing from someone who has gone through something like this before and made it out gives me so much hope

    thank you so much for your support and encouragement!!!!

    April 7, 2015 at 4:14 am #74996
    Will
    Participant

    Thanks for checking back in. 🙂 Let us know how you get on with things.

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