Need advice: I don't whether to stay or go

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    Also, I read an article not too long ago about falling out of love. And it said that most people who “think” they’ve falling out of love I.e; they feel anger, resentment, etc means they really still love them because they still FEEL with them. Even if its not positive at the moment.

    It said when you’ve truly fallen out of love, there is nothing there. Not sex. Not emotion. Nothing. You sleep at seperate sides of the bed and have seperate lives, seperate everything. There is absolutely no connection anymore.

    True, not true, that’s up to you. I personally believe it to be true and I definitely think you two can spring back and be in a loving relationship again!

    Just a thought. 🙂


    Jayson, thank you for your input. I feel maintenance is necessary in a marriage. That’s why they say marriage takes work. But it’s hard to work on a relationship when it feels like I’m the only one doing the work. I initiate the conversations. I’m the one who wants to talk. I’m the one who wants us to be closer. I’ve asked if he would like to try a cooking club so we could make better meals and cook healthy. I asked if he would be interested in taking a dance lesson. He answered no to both. I’ve learned that if I want to do something I just have to go ahead and do it and he will either join me or he won’t. I agree that a divorce would be extremely painful and I’m not certain that’s what I want.

    Hi Regina, In regards to the romance, yes I have tried, however, I have come to accept that he is just not that way. He doesn’t have it in him. So now I need to choose whether or not I can live without that. We have gone to counseling and he said he would go again, but he’s told me many times that he doesn’t believe in it. When I think of starting a conversation with him or suggest counseling, I’m filled with dread. I appreciate the comment you made about the article you read. It sounds interesting and I would agree. The times when I feel sad or angry about our relationship, I withdraw and it feels like I am leading a separate life from him, but not to the extent you described.

    Hurley inspired me and I decided to focus on learning to love myself and making myself happy. I just have this fear that as I continue to grow, that I might outgrow him.


    Together but separate certainly doesn’t work
    Unfortunately I know all to well that one person doing all the work …there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t have been willing to try. It comeS to the point that you have to be willing to step back… have an affair with yourself!! And find what makes you happy. Yoga and meditation are the best way to go within and truly discover yourself. I was Skeptical of a therapist at first as I had practiced yoga for 18 yrs I knew myself well. My ex dropped out after a few sessions. People sometimes don’t want to confront there pasts! (Usually where the problem is) the therapist was spot on (as I learned from her other ex mother in law). History repeats! I continued to divorce therapy. It went south fast in my situation. I encourage patents! I wish I had such a positive site such as this when I was in the thick of it! I had studied and practiced Tibetan Buddhism (taboo 2 her) I certainly believe that Buddhism and Christianity complement one another! And to find the more spiritual aspects of marriage witch are so easily overlooked in the hustle and bustle. At any rate be present, love yourself, be happy, let him know your there, and let your light shine! People can only be in the dark for so long.
    Wishing you the best


    Thank you Jayson! :o)


    Elsie, hope your are making progress on your own journey. One of the things I have realized is that I cannot control my wife and to truly love someone is to accept who they are and love them by embracing their try soul. But first, you have to recognize and embrace your now true soul. Your husband may be asleep, and the only way to get through to him will be to be brutally honest with him. However, not in a judgmental, or blaming type of way. You can share your feelings without having to be negative. Sharing and being honest is a positive thing! If he still does not respond, then you can either choose to accept that and stop worrying about it, change yourself or remove yourself from the situation.

    A little update on my progress…so my wife and I spent two weeks apart and used that time to focus on ourselves. We were planning to go 3 weeks before seeing each other again, but she called me on Thursday and asked if she could come home for the weekend to see me and our son. I agreed and we spent a lot of time talking and being honest with each other. She is clearly taking this seriously and working to understand why she did what she did. It was incredible to have open and honest conversations with each other. There are so many things that we both want and we never even talked about it before. For example we are both very physically attracted to each other, but for some reason the sex got routine. However, we had never really opened up about what we want. Well we really opened up and talked about it and it was awesome. Turns out we want the same things! Well, we can certainly work on that! Look, I know there is a lot more work to be done and I have a lot of pain that I need to be able to let go of before I can fully forgive her for her affair. But it helps to focus on our relationship and understand how she got to the place she was at this year.

    She told me that she loves me very much and wants to work on our marriage. While that felt great to hear, I realized that it will take a lot of work and both sides will have to be 100% committed for it to work. The good news is that I want that too. So we are going to keep working on it one day at a time. However, the fact that I realized that I need to be true to my self is the only way that we got to this point. I am truly coming from a position of Love and not “romantic” love but the Love that is perfectly placed inside of us from God. That Love will never disappoint us, because we can never lose it. That is the type of Love that relationships need to flourish in the long term, but you have to make it a daily practice. Both parties have to be “all-in” for this to occur. So I encourage you to open up to your husband and be honest with him. If he loves you he will start to come around. But you will not know unless you give him that chance to hear you and then give him the opportunity to open up. He will not want to at first because it will make him vulnerable. I get it…that was me too! But if you can share in a way that makes him understand that it is okay to be vulnerable and do it little by little, without getting defensive or blaming, it just might help! Good Luck.


    Dear Elise and all the other women that are echoing her feelings,
    You have already decided what you are going to do. You can end the marriage, wreck the marriage to the point of forcing him to divorce you, or take on a lover like hurley’s wife did, also ending the marriage. But in all cases the marriage is over and it is best to minimize the damage. I’m sorry that I have to say all this, especially since it lacks the tact that I could have with a person face to face, but these men are fulfilling their duties as husbands, but that’s not enough. It never will be. You no longer feel spark, which to you means that the love is gone. Loving your Spouse is a choice you make every day. You have decided that you are nolonger willing to make that choice because the men are not meeting all the requirements on your checklist. But a warning, if you leave this marriage, the next one will be the same. And the next one. Because the problem will move right into the next marriage, because it is your misunderstanding of love is a part if you and not him or the next man.
    And Hurley, you were not at fault for your wife’s betrayal. Your a nice guy, you even took part of the blame for the affair, don’t be nice, set your boundaries, or you will repeat the pattern.

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