Two years ago, my ex and I split up. About a year before that happened, he cheated on me with someone I was close with and then broke up with me. Later, he felt remorse and I took him back because I had moved on and forgiven him. We used to be good together and I really wanted us to have another chance, only I was too insecure in the relationship to maintain it and keep it healthy. He broke up with me again, for good this time, only I was even more broken than I was before. The first breakup, it took everything I had to get past it. I have been unable to forgive myself for these past two years for two reasons: I hurt him and myself badly.

-Because of my insecurity, I said and did many hurtful things to him. When he broke up with me the second time, he said he felt like he had to “walk on eggshells” around me. I once told him I wasn’t really happy in the relationship and didn’t know why (I didn’t let myself understand that I couldn’t trust him like I had before) and he flipped out, because he “just wanted me to be happy.” (Writing that out now, I pick up on the fact that that was the condition of his love for me. That I be happy. He used to say it a lot, but with a desperate, frustrated tone rather than a kind, accepting one. But anyway.)

-I also hurt myself very badly by reentering that relationship and find myself struggling to deal with that also. I’ve reenacted that pattern over and over again since the break up: meeting emotionally unavailable guys, engaging with them far too quickly, emotionally and sexually, and then trying to get myself to walk away from it, trying to rectify my mistake. Only I never do, I repeat the pattern where they take me for granted, become uncomfortable with my behavior, then leave. If I perceive them not going in that direction, being genuinely interested in getting to know me, then I’m the one who walks away.

The first time we broke up, I did not blame myself. I did not ask him to cheat on me, and while I was willing to take him back, he left me anyway. I reached a place where I forgave him completely in a little under a year. The second time I feel was all my fault and I bombard myself with shoulds: I shouldn’t have taken him back, I should have known that the trust would not come back, I should have walked away when I was unhappy rather than stay and hurt him, I should have worked harder at being kinder to myself, and kinder to him. It’s been two years and I haven’t forgiven him completely (my anger is usually fueled by this thought: “how dare he cheat on me and then not give everything to work through it with me? after I took him back?! he owed me that!”), but I haven’t forgiven myself at all.

I need to know if I should call of email him and just tell him that I’m sorry. I don’t want to force myself into his life. I saw him at our friends’ Thanksgiving dinner last year and while it was awkward, he seemed okay enough. I was in an abusive relationship once where I was the abused one, and I don’t feel like I need an apology now that I’m past it. I wouldn’t mind if they apologized, it just wouldn’t really matter to me one way or the other. But I don’t know if my ex would feel that way and I really don’t want to intrude on his new life with old wounds. But the way I behaved the second time around in our relationship haunts me, and I really want to let it go. I know the answer lies more in forgiving myself, but I feel like I can’t do that without apologizing to him first. If anyone has any experience or advice, I’d appreciate it.

• This topic was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Kyniska.
• This topic was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Kyniska.