Hey Katie,

I didn’t want to read and leave without a comment, but I am not entirely sure I have much to say that can help you with your fresh perspective! I’m going to try my best though to give you some things to think about 😀

I love your ideas on compassion, very inline with what I think 🙂 At the end of the day you can’t change his opinion, just as he can’t change yours. Could his opinion be something of the alpha-male ideal – he wants to be the man who doesn’t need sympathy or compassion because he can do it alone and so on, when perhaps in a really tough situation he would quite like the compassion and love you’d give him 🙂 I don’t know but something to think about maybe! I’m 21 and know that a lot of the guys I know pretend to be much more alpha-male than they really are. They think girls WANT a man who are all strong and cold emotionally!

Your children could also benefit from a mix of perspectives in the long-term (obviously as long as they get the love and compassion they deserve and don’t witness any of the differences of opinion in the form of arguments!). Just like with the topic of developing countries and the whole ‘they should work harder vs. not their fault’ thing possibly being somewhere in the middle of your ideas (if it does have something to do with attitude it could be be both personal and environmental in nature), perhaps your differences of opinion aren’t the be-all and end-all and could always comprimise? Your children would learn that whilst it is ok to be vulnerable and that we should be empathetic of people, we also shouldn’t compromise our own strength and goals and we should be driven to achieve things rather than relying on sympathy. Two-sided coin AS ALWAYS in life 🙂

At the end of the day are you happier when with him than without him? Is this worry about your friend and him causing more worry than happiness in general? Do you feel supported by him despite his views on compassion? Only you can decide how you really feel.

Good luck Katie,

Susanna x

Hi Katie,

It’s reassuring to me that your work is done by way of your compassion. In general, I’ve heard (and seen) that feeling one’s way through is more of a woman’s way of navigating the world, and the man’s way is more thinking oriented – more head than heart. It may be, as you suggest, that your boyfriend’s take on compassion – that it’s just an excuse and a weakness – is his (male) way of dealing with the world, and of finding and sustaining his place in it. Regardless of his gender and indoctrination, I believe, underneath all the words and beliefs, that his compassion certainly does exist. It’s the way all “higher” animals are built, not just humans. Without compassion as a primary motivating force, our species would die out, emotionally, then physically. It could be that your boyfriend is simply afraid of his own, deep feelings, and afraid his showing compassion, rather than getting the job done by simply “working harder” (forcing rather than allowing), would indicate his weakness.

I know you’ve been with this guy for a good while, and, while I’m not at all suggesting you part ways, am suggesting you both follow your own paths, regardless of what one thinks or feels the other should think, feel or do. This is not at all in disregard to voicing your feelings and opinions. You have the job of living your life; expressing who you are, your feelings, your wants and needs. (But in doing that job, don’t expect others to change to accommodate you.) Be careful not to let what you want and need come from someone other than you. Our entire social structure is designed for consumption, and sells itself by getting you to think in its terms. Everything you see in the media encourages co-dependency as your God. And when you pray to it (actually, fall prey to it), it’s easy to fall into a trap of needing to adjust or fix any external circumstance to maintain your own acquired (and often, hidden), agenda – and continue the sense of security you find in it, even if it’s painful. Within the co-dependency agenda, you may be driven to get your partner to operate from a place of compassion, try to get him to be excited about having kids, be driven to figure out what it means that your boyfriend has a crush on your best friend, be concerned that your family and friends might have a skewed perception of your boyfriend because… …because, because, because…. And it’s all crazy making. To answer a question, you’re not over-thinking this, you’re OTHER-thinking it.

It’s a bit like driving a car by way of looking through a series of mirrors instead of through the windshield. And anytime, either by accident or intention, one of the mirrors gets misaligned, you have to quickly re-align it to continue on your course. Driving by way of looking through the windshield is keeping YOUR vision – knowing and pursuing what YOU want, regardless of what other people think or do. If someone knocks one of your mirrors out of line – if they have feelings that don’t suit you, want to do something other than what feels good to you, even develop a crush on your best friend – you’re still looking through the windshield. Whatever they do with your mirrors is their business, not yours. Undoubtedly, you will have feelings about what other people do. It will provide you with the opportunity to take a look at your true self, how you’ve been dealing with your life and what you wish to do with it. It will help you find your true values. Have your feelings, and don’t let them have you. Have other people in your life, and don’t let them have you, or let them determine what’s good for you. Don’t “throw out the baby with the bath water.” You don’t have to give up your mirrors to keep looking through your windshield. Use the mirrors as indicators of what other people do and where they are with themselves to determine if they will be good for you to live with.

If your boyfriend wishes to investigate his life, make some changes – or not, it’s his business. Keep steadfast to your values, and don’t lose sight of your dreams. You’ll find them through your windshield, not your mirrors.

Love and Peace,

Hadyn