I have a long-running on/off addiction to escapism (e.g. non-useful internet browsing, extravagantly detailed fantasizing, etc.). The negative impact this has on me is it makes me compulsive, obsessive, and unproductive. It also causes me to get lost in my stories as opposed to being present. And it also tends to disconnect me from people since I have less time to socialize as my mindspace and free time (I work a full time job) is sucked up by escapsim. Despite these costs, I continue to do it in an on/off fashion because I get a dopamine hit (or some other pleasure chemical hit) out of it. I know it is not good for me in the medium to long-term and yet I do it. It feels very much like an addiction.

There have been many times when the cost became high enough that I used my willpower to just say no and stopped the addictive behavior. The increased presence eventually would lead to deep feelings of sadness, anger, or anxiety related to my own life. I would then keep my attention on the negative emotional bodily sensations while moving my attention away from any thoughts and stories associated with those negative emotions. The extra time and presence would also cause me to take more productive actions [e.g. more socializing in the form of meetups, more dating, more effectiveness at work, etc.]. Eventually, I start to become lucky and it feels like the universe is just making things go right for me somehow. But then I fall back into addictive escapism and the cycle repeats.

I’ve noticed that one of two general triggers usually cause the fall back into addictive escapism for me.

1) Some small positive circumstance occurs in my life (since now the universe seems to be working for me) and I get attached to the positive feelings associated with it (dopamine hit or some other happy chemical hit). The positive circumstance is a temporary one, but now that I’ve gotten the dopamine hit, I’m hungrier for another hit, and a bigger hit. The only way to fulfill that hunger is to restart the escapism addiction since nothing in the real world can provide escalating levels of a bigger and bigger hit.

2) Some “major” positive outcome that previously seemed out of reach appears possible (e.g. hot friendly girl goes on a couple dates with me, seems interested but not 100% yet). This leads to high levels of anxiety, self-pressure, etc. The force of it takes me out of the present and puts me back in my thoughts and stories. It leads to the romance not panning out and emotional whiplash causes strong urge for escapism to rebalance myself and I’m back at the beginning of the addiction cycle.

I see the pattern. These addiction cycles tend to last for 2-8 weeks, before I’m starting all over again and it feels like I’m back where I started.

I’ve tried will power and it works in spurts. But to sustain will power indefinitely has been a challenge.  I would love to break this because I believe that if I break it, it will allow for sustained presence which would probably transform my life.