August 15, 2016 at 2:07 pm #112419MilouParticipant
I’m new to this kind communication, and mainly to asking for advice or help at all. (First of all, sorry for my English, I hope you all understand what I’m trying to say/ask).
I’m 26 years old and in a intense relationship since three years. (We also live together for three years now). I think if I would try to explain everything that happened, I’ll end up writing a book, so I’ll try to make it as short and understandable as possible.
My partner and I have been through a rough two years (like many relationships), we match really well on most parts of our thinking and way of living.
I made some big mistakes in the beginnen of my relationship, I thought keeping information, not telling everything would be better, now of course I know that’s really not the case. I always wanted an open and honest relationship, and he even more. He’s honest from the beginning and had a really really tough time accepting that I wasn’t when he eventually found out by himself after half a year into our relationship. When he confrontated me with it, I shut down, I was afraid of losing him and stopped talking about that specific part (though he knew some of things by finding out, he wanted me to tell him and talk about it myself, it was for him to difficult to do, he is a great talker, but it was about previous relations, about intimate subjects and stuff). After more then two years and plenty of discussions and arguments, and even almost breaking up, I finally realised what he needed to hear and talk about it. That’s six weeks ago. He always told me he would be ok, it would be ok after I talked about it, and so it seemed.
But today he sort of snapped. He has been fighting against manic depression these last three years quite a lot, and suddenly all the pain, frustation and everything came over him and he felt like killing himself today. Because he really wants to life and really wants to be with me he grabbed the bottle.
He told me I should bring him to a psychiatric hospital, I know it would be the best, but I really don’t know how I can make him accept things that happened in the past. He says he forgives me, he says it’s something he needs to learn to live with, but he really doesn’t know how. He really doesn’t know how to talk about it, not even with himself or the psychiatrist he went to a couple of times, last month… I really wanna help him but I don’t even know where to start…
I can’t talk to any of our friends of family, because nobody understands the bits they know, and we sort of lived away from most of our friends the last two years.
He even started with readying books about buddhism, reading books about relation related subjects… We’ve been through so much together, and our love for eachother is really strong. Still I know it can me blinding and sickning of you’ve been living together and been together for so many hours two years and a half in a row…
I don’t know if anyone understands this, but a small bit of advice might give me a way of helping him. Or so I hope.August 15, 2016 at 2:42 pm #112424anitaParticipant
You wrote: “I made some big mistakes in the beginnen of my relationship, I thought keeping information, not telling everything would be better, now of course I know that’s really not the case.”
What information is it that you kept to yourself…If it is about your previous relationships with men, unless it involves something criminal that might still come up, then it is not of his business and it was not a mistake to not have told him. After all, look what is happening to him after you told him- he can’t handle it, can he?
We shouldn’t confess to our partners about our pasts, as if we were criminals (when we were not)-
So, what was it, the information you are referring to. No need to give any details you are not comfortable with, but I can’t proceed with no information about the … nature of the information which is the issue of his distress and yours.
anitaAugust 16, 2016 at 3:01 am #112467VinceParticipant
Yeah I’m with Anita. You don’t need to talk about things from past relationships.
Anyway, I think your relationship has taken a bad turn. Maybe you guys need a break from each other. Some time to breathe.August 16, 2016 at 7:50 am #112479SaharaParticipant
Kangarootje your name sounds Dutch to me. If you want to talk I am here. I think you both need some time. And try to understand that he is suffering from Manic depression and speciousness is part of illness. Curiosity about others past, also part of it. Go behind your back and look for your history also part of it. What I can tell you, you both need some time for your selves. Heal from the past wounds. you don’t need to tell everything but being honest is a good thing. At some point my dear if some one cannot let your past to be your past I don’t see any healthy relationship there.August 16, 2016 at 1:04 pm #112507SarahParticipant
Well, I know it might seem hard and kinda cruel to just send him to a psychiatric hospital, but manic depression is a serious mental condition and without professional help it would just get worse and worse. You told he has seen a psychiatric a couple of times, but depression is something that requires at least one session a week. I have been there myself, good psychological support can make the difference.
In regards to this secret you talk about, I think that you should tell your partner every single thing that is or was important in your life and that might affect it. Now, I don’t know the full story and I could be wrong, but my personal philosophy is “be open”.
I wish you the best with your partner,