I have been talking to a guy from an online dating app for about a week.  We seem to be in alignment in some fundamental ways – both practice yoga and meditation, minimalism is important to us, being outdoorsy and active, neither of us wants kids, both of us are off social media, both spiritual but not religious.  However, in one of our conversations, we were talking about our relationship to yoga.  He said his core got a lot stronger from doing yoga, and asked if I had a strong core.  I said that my core was strong, but I didn’t have a six pack or anything.  He then asked if I can see my abs.

I got pretty triggered by this because of my body image issues, perfectionist tendencies and history/current struggles with eating disorders.  I responded by asking if that was important to him (like, is being able to see abs an important quality in a potential partner).  He said that he is physically attracted to athletic/fitness.  I then responded with something along the lines of “we might be better off as friends because of my issues with body image and practicing not valuing physical appearance so much”.  I explained that physical attraction is important, in a way, but it shouldn’t be the foundation to a partnership.  He agreed with me on this and was apologetic that he triggered me.  He said that being able to see abs or having a super toned body isn’t a vital quality in a partner to him, and that the reason he is attracted to fitness is because he needs a partner who is physically active and can go on adventures with him for years to come.

I decided to try and let this whole thing go and continue getting to know him.  I’m kind of stuck on it though and having a hard time wrapping my head around why he would ask about the appearance of my abs if he didn’t hold the believe that it’s important to him.  If he didn’t hold that belief it doesn’t seem like a necessary question to ask a potential date.  I feel like my inability to fully let this go is tainting our connection and getting to know each other.  I feel almost angry that he even asked that question.

Things also seem a bit different coming from his end now too, like, maybe me being triggered by such a seemingly silly thing turned him off.  Or maybe he is sensing my lingering anger.  Maybe a combination of the two.

I feel like I need an outsiders perspective on this.  I opened up to a long time friend about this in an attempt to get some perspective, but she also struggles with body image and an eating disorder history.  So, naturally she fed into my response of anger and was angry that he asked that question too.  She might have been the wrong person to confide in.

I am thinking I should continue getting to know him but be mindful of how he might put too much of an importance on physical appearance.  But, I also don’t want to always be “on the lookout” for this, because if I’m looking for it I will find it, even if it’s not really there.  I am trying to figure out how to process and let go of this residual anger that I have for that conversation.  Any outsider perspective would be appreciated.

• This topic was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by limbikanimaria.