Need to make a decision fast

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This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 7 months ago by Maria_L.

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May 19, 2016 at 3:11 pm #105090

Samantha
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Hi everyone, I’m a final year undergraduate (23yrs old) and its been five years that I live in London for my studies as I changed courses. I’m French and since my third year I feel pretty deppressed and lonely in a place where there is 9 months of winter and where everyone is also pretty depressed and lonely. This year I graduate and I should start a master soon, though I have no idea if I should go back to France to do my master as I wouldn’t need to take another loan (Higher ed. is free there) or if I should stay in London in order to get a well paid job after or while I do my masters, yet that would mean another two years struggling to live here. (expensive transport, loans, binge drinking, bad weather, stress, bad food, loneliness etc) I still feel I might regret leaving London and that I might not be able to come back and will regret my decisions later on. One of my main concerns is whether or not it’s better to make a decision according to how you feel and how your health is at a particular moment in your life (it’s been three years now and I’m more than depressed) or if you should put these considerations in a box for later in your life to deal with, meaning I should not think about these conditions and just work hard and learn to be stronger. There is also the love/hate relationship with London that many have here, although it’s been a while since I only see the negatives here. But because my mother worked for so long here when she was younger and has always and still does praise the ‘english dream’ every single time I go back home, where you can succeed and have your own stable life with people who are tolerant and liberals etc these ideas are still in my head when compared to France where most graduates try to come to London for better opportunities…. Also my mother tried many, many times to settle in London with no or little money staying in my student room for months and then having to go back to France because a lot of negative and misfortunate events happened meanwhile, and so again I feel I’m the one who should ‘make it’ here.
In a way I feel obliged to stay here as it seems it might be the best option for everyone in my family as I could financially support them later on (smthg that is really crucial for the future of my family as we’re creepling with loads of debts and unemployment) I am so lost I have headaches everyday trying to figure out what should I do. Any help or advices would be much appreciated.

May 20, 2016 at 5:21 am #105128
Inky
Participant
Hi sag220,

My first instinct would be to have you move back to France. And I don’t like how you are the family hero who is supposed to make everything better! Of course, I’m American, so my outlook is completely different (independence, don’t burden the children, eat rice out of my car before depending on others). Would your family’s debt become your debt over there?

I would do what *I* want and perhaps give your mother or the debt collectors 10% of what you make (your charity/tithing). This way you can grow your $$ enough so she could live with you when she’s old.

Just my Thoughts!

Inky
- This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
May 20, 2016 at 5:45 am #105132

Anonymous
Guest

Dear sag220:

If I was you, I would imagine the following: I would imagine that my life was my own, that other than personal financial debts, I have no emotional debts to anyone. I would imagine I am only responsible for myself and to no one else.

Imagining you are free from any and all family ties, sense of duty and obligation, what would you do then?

And this is my input: do what is right for you. And what is right for you is not to sacrifice yourself for your mother, your family. I would move back to France IF it means that you will be free to live your own life.

Don’t stay in London so to make your mother’s dreams come true. This will bring you nothing but more of the same: misery. But if you move back to France, don’t make your life there about your mother either.

anita

May 20, 2016 at 11:46 am #105175

Eris
Participant

Don’t live somewhere that makes you unhappy.

I would never live in London. I love visiting it but is energy sucks for any length of time.

The English dream is not just London – why don’t you explore the rest of it – there are good universities all over England, with liberal, tolerant people, where the cost of living is cheaper, people are happier and there is still stuff to do.

And yes you should make decisions based on your health and how you feel. Its called listening to your body and your intuition. Being miserable is a sure sign that SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG. Being strong is not battling through misery in the hope you can deal with it later. it is having the courage to make the changes you need to in order to live a life that is right for you now.

Ask yourself if you were diagnosed with a terminal illness now how much would you regret living the life you are currently living? Living a rubbish life now on the chance that it will all work out later is not a good idea.

There is no way to know what the right life for you is with out making changes and taking risks and trying things out. Life is an ongoing process 🙂

Good luck and check out some other places in the UK 🙂

May 21, 2016 at 12:23 pm #105270

Maria_L
Participant

Hello,

First, it’s great thing to know what makes you happy, what makes you sad in life. There are people who can’t locate the reason for their depression and that is much harder…

From what you wrote seems like you are not happy there, and I can relate to such feelings. I have a lot of expats for friends, I am expat myself and I know for sure that not every place is for every person. My first attempt of relocation was also a total failure, I was so miserable, I know how you feel. I moved, so did some of my expat friends few times. There nothing wrong with that .Moving is definitely not easy, but sometimes the boundaries and limitations are just in our minds, and we do have a choice.

I know that London offers many job opportunities, but it’s not the only place in the world where you can make money. I also know that it is very expensive city to live in. I have a friend who had a decently paid engineering job there for a year and could barely meet ends, so I wonder.. how long ago was it since your mother’s dream? Rents are higher, the city is flooded with work force from all over the world.. Maybe at the end of the month you’ll barely have anything left to send home? I agree with Eris, maybe you should explore other places in UK… Another friend of mine who was in London for 8 years, now is perfectly happy in the North and would never go back..

Please dry your tears and smile …and never compromise with depression. You are young, the life and the world is waiting to see you shine!

I am sure your family wants you happy and healthy before they want your money. If they don’t understand this, don’t worry… Moms always want the best for their children, but they are just human beings and not always understand what’s best. Very often they fail to understand…

I am sending the best of luck, and if you scroll these pages, you’ll see you are not alone…
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