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This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 month ago.

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  • #289881

    LittleDragon
    Participant

    Hi Everyone,

    I need advice on something that’s been on stuck on mind for the past couple of weeks. So I’ve dated someone from an online dating app and wasn’t aware of his health condition. Through messaging, I felt he was someone I could potentially like and fall for.

    So when we met up for the first time, he admitted to me that he was partially blind and couldn’t walk straight properly because of the condition ‘multiple sclerosis’. He told me his previous girlfriends left him because of it and all he could do now is focus on his health and stay active. He now wants a long term relationship and doesn’t want short term – which I too was searching for long term.

    When he asked me for a second date, I was struggling to respond as I wasn’t sure what I was getting myself into and I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings if I knew things won’t work out. I’ve been hurt and depressed in past relationships where I invested 80% and they give 20% in the relationship. I don’t want to go through it again. So my response was ‘I’ll think about it’ and then he said ‘That’s a no then’. He respected my decisions and said if I ever messaged him to hang out, he would definitely go out again.

    During our conversations, he did asked me if I wanted to go dancing together as he needed a partner and if I was interested in going to the gym with him. I wanted to say yes, but I stayed quiet instead (holding back my tears) as I was uncertain where things will lead to and I don’t want to give someone false hope and leave them upset. To be completely honest, I actually liked his qualities – but the thought of his condition made me think again.

    He asked for my feedback  on him and I couldn’t say much cause I know I’ll be thrown back with the question ‘why can’t we date the second time?’ Instead I said he was OK and that I couldn’t feel anything between me and him. That was it. I felt bad after that cause I honestly thought he was great man, respectful, lively and I also admired his hobbies too –  it’s just I don’t want be investing 80% in the relationship again if his condition worsens. We are both in our early 3o’s by the way.

    So after that date, I cried to myself and thought how can such a lovely man have to go through all this! Meeting him made me see things in a different perspective and I realized how hard it is for him find a long term relationship compared to those not living with a disability. From that day, I started to think about other people with disabilities and how hard for them to find a romantic partner. Now, I don’t see love the same way anymore.

    I started to feel sad from all of this and I’m not sure what’s wrong with me! I asked my friends and families whether I should have given that guy a chance and just ignore the fact he had to live with MS – their responses where all the same, they don’t want to see me being a caregiver for the rest of my life and it will be harder if we had kids.

    Not sure if it’s because I actually liked him, feeling guilty or sorry but I haven’t stopped thinking about him since that date. This whole thought made me wanting to do volunteer work for the MS community and hope all the best for him.

    At times I felt like contacting him, but I’ve stopped myself because I don’t want to hurt him.

    I know that I’ve asked family and friends this question, but I want to ask the community here whether I should have given the guy a chance and get to know him more?? and whether I was just feeling helpless and sorry for the guy.  I should have let these thoughts go and move on with my life, but it hasn’t left my mind till this day – Therefore, seeking help or advice from the community here.

    I do understand that we make the most in the present as the future is unpredictable, however it’s the probabilities that makes us think twice on our actions in the present.

    Please let me know your thoughts

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #289931

    Mark
    Participant

    Little Dragon

    It seems like a good idea for you to go volunteer to help those with MS or any other disability.

    Start with that. Let go your angst about that guy and learn more about yourself and dealing with disabilities.

    You can always get back to him but you need this first.

    Mark

    #289951

    anita
    Participant

    Dear LittleDragon:

    A relationship needs to be a Win-Win prospect. If you can find your Win with a man suffering from MS, then a relationship with him will make sense. If it is a win for you and a win for him, then consider it.

    It is the same consideration as you should have with a man who is physically perfectly healthy- will it be a Win for me and a Win for him – something to talk about with the potential partner over time.

    anita

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