December 1, 2014 at 4:36 am #68605Tiny ButterflyParticipant
Tiny Buddha community,
I’m hoping to get some advice on some negative energy I’m feeling from my brother. The short version is that growing up we always got on well however these past few years things have changed. We both still live at home I’m 26, on my last year of my degree (to which I hope to move out afterward) and he’s 31. He’s had a handful of relationships in the past 5 years where they have been very co dependent and he’s been in another for nearly a year now where I feel it’s the same. Since being in these relationships he’s changed. I have no idea who he is anymore. The girl who he is with now has been diagnosed with depression and since being with her he now tends to stay in bed until late afternoon, locks himself away completely in his bedroom and is always irritable or angry.
I find it’s even harder now for me to approach him and ask him if everything’s okay as a few weeks ago we had gotten into a silly argument that escalated into him being physical with me and things between us haven’t been the same since. He’s never lost his temper so much the way he did or had been physical with me and it was completely shocked. He has since apologized to me about what happened between us and I felt like after we had spoke he wanted to change things and be happier in himself, but he progressed back into a negative state after a day or so. He tends to go away to visit his girlfriend for a week or so, come home, is happy for the first day that he’s back and then he slips back into a negative state of locking himself in his room, staying in bed late, smoking constantly in his room and being very passive aggressive with everyone in the house. I just wonder when will this end with him?
I’m finding it difficult being at home and around him as I’m on my own journey of self-healing and feel his energy affects all the positivity I’m trying to create in my life. He’s tried to sort out work but everything seems to be going wrong for him and I feel as though it’s making him feel worse. I want to be able to talk with him about it but it’s never a good time. He either tells everyone to leave him alone, is either angry about something, or he’s locked up in his room. It makes me really sad because I just don’t know who he is anymore and it’s so hard being around him. Has anyone been in a similar situation?December 1, 2014 at 10:40 am #68617AnneParticipant
I have been in a similar situation with a friend. Can I ask, is it tobacco he’s smoking, or is he using marijauna? There may be some psychological damage from these unhealthy relationships, but in my experience, a drastic personality change is usually caused chemically (or by some unresolved childhood trauma resurfacing, but you haven’t mentioned anything like that)
As to your current situation, perhaps there’s a way you can bond with your brother without taking him too far out of his comfort zone? Are there TV programmes, films or sports that you could watch together with a bowl of popcorn or something? When initiating this, ask once, but when he declines (he probably will the first few times) don’t push the point – just say “Okay then” or similar and do the activity anyway. If he sees that the activity will continue whether he’s there or not, this takes the pressure off him and he’s more likely to engage.
Once you start being able to engage together, then positive energy will followDecember 2, 2014 at 7:57 am #68649Tiny ButterflyParticipant
As far as I can tell (smell, and see) he doesn’t seem to be using marjauna, though I did forget to mention in the above post he does tend to drink most nights by himself. A few cans here and there, not during the day however.
Today he has left to go and visit his girlfriend for the next week but I will be putting the tips you have mentioned into practice when he returns home. I whole-heartedly want to build up that positive brother and sister relationship we used to have when we were younger and just to see him happy again.
Thank you for taking the time to respond to me,
Tiny ButterflyDecember 2, 2014 at 2:06 pm #68666AnneParticipant
You’re very welcome 🙂 What’s your relationship like with his girlfriend?