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New apartment, feels so final.

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  • #135969
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I just finally moved out into my own apartment after my breakup. Its a great little place, close to a busy area with things going on, close to work, friends etc. Part of me feels guilty loving it so much.

    Last night was my first night here, and I woke up with this awful feeling in my gut. I miss him so much. I don’t know how to do this, did I make a mistake? Everything was running through my mind this morning because it was just so quiet without him.

    All I want to do is call him and tell him to come over and hold me but I know I cant. Part of me has hope alive that he will reach out and tell me he wants to work on him and us.

    I know this is the best for now, but I can’t help but miss him terribly, and feel so uneasy in this place at the moment.

    #135997
    anita
    Participant

    Dear heartbrokengurl:

    Good to read from you again. Congratulations for moving to your own apartment.

    Here is what you will NOT be experiencing in your apartment because you are no longer in a relationship with your ex: no fights, no one losing his temper over simple things. And you can walk carelessly, not careful, like on eggshells.

    From your previous posts: “He will pick fights, and lose his temper over very simple things, and its like walking on eggshells…I dont know what is going to set him off…His bad qualities…picking fights, his temper, walking on eggshells), I don’t miss at all.”

    He was affectionate and pleasant at times and you miss those things. As you walk selectively-positive-memory lane, watch your step… ooops, a broken egg, yolk and all, gooey.

    Do your best to enjoy your new apartment and the great location. Do post again, anytime.

    anita

    #136019
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thanks Anita! I appreciate that.
    I’m just really terrified to let him ago, and hate not having him in my life. You’re right though about the eggshells, temper. I”m hoping maybe this will change him.

    #136049
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Hi heartbrokengurl,
    I hate to say this because people always think “Oh shut up” but this will pass.
    I can say this from recent experience.. I had been on & off with my ex since June and only within the last month have I decided to cut things off with him due to his poor attitude towards me. He had a temper and would always try to be right, wouldn’t listen or value me etc – he had good qualities too don’t get me wrong.
    I have felt so stuck and so in a rut for so many months (7 months to be precise!) and I guess for me I was holding on something that I truly knew was never going to happen and that’s ok – because had I not been in this rut I wouldn’t have learned my value or my worth and a lot about myself and him – I also could’ve tried to revisit things with him at a later date having not done it before. These things take time, we can’t just turn off feelings for someone that we have invested a lot of time and effort in.

    I don’t know why you broke up but… The only bit of advice I can give you that I worked on for myself is – if he makes an effort, both physically and emotionally.. so he calls you wants to make things work, apologises with actions as well as words and shows he is truly sorry (or if he hasn’t ‘done anything wrong’) proves his love to you, unconditionally, then this to me is the only way I would ever had reconsidered starting something back up with him. If a man wants something/someone.. he will go and get it no matter what. Unfortunately for my ex he was saying he loved me and wanted me back but made no effort physically to do so and continued to message other girls saying “why should he wait around”.. the type of attitude I didn’t want.

    #136053
    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Hey

    The first week is the hardest. But once you get into a busy routine, go hang out with friends and unwind at your place, it will feel better. Sure you guys broke up and it feels weird now but that’s okay. Get used to your life in the new place. Find new things you enjoy. Do some art, exercise and cook.

    Some days will be shitty but you gotta ride them out. When you get lonely at night, read a magazine or listen to some good music playlist. Do some stretching to relax. Journal if you feel like. You can do anything now. It’s your own place and you are free.

    Please don’t go back to him because you feel alone. There is a reason you guys broke up. Always remember that.

    Regards
    Nina

    #136119
    anita
    Participant

    Dear heartbrokengurl/K:

    I realized lately the reason why we remember the good in a broken relationship and not the bad- it is because in times of anxiety/ distress, like you being NOT in a relationship, we tend to remember what comforts us, what makes us feel safe, better. And what comforts us are the good memories, when we did experience safety and love with the ex. There is no comfort in the memories of fighting and walking on eggshells.

    So, remember both- that would be true to reality and on one hand will provide you some comfort, and on the other, weaken your desire to get back with him, to have him back into your life.

    anita

    #136239
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you so much everyone. Everything you are all saying makes so much sense. I suppose its just re-telling yourself all these things to get by, and remind myself we did break up for a reason.

    Poppy- thanks for your comments. He hasn’t really made any effort at all to try to work on things. He said he thinks im trying to cause drama by asking why he didnt try to stop me from going. He thinks I just want the chase, and also said he wished I had of given him some slack due to the pressure he was under at work. I told him that’s no excuase to treat me the way he did, and he said he understood that. But for some reason he can never fully accept responsibility for something.

    Anita- I love him, I really do, and I miss him and the good times, but as I write out the bad, I kind of miss that less and less and know i deserve better. Thanks for the reminder!

    I did get a message from my dad yesterday about the break up (we are not very close). He said sorry to hear, but that he worries about me. I feel like a bit of a loser now because I’m single again at 34 and my dad isn’t really being uplifting or supportive…just that he feels sorry for me basically. 🙁

    #136313
    anita
    Participant

    Dear K:

    You are welcome. I feel badly that your father did not uplift you, and made you sad (that sad face you added there).

    anita

    #136441
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Hi K,

    Maybe your need for your ex springs from the lack of love that I hear you explaining that you don’t get from your Dad?
    People who cannot accept responsibility for their part in things and try to put things on you, in my eyes, aren’t good for you. Could you live with someone constantly telling you that you’re always in the wrong & never accepting his part in things? I couldn’t, it’s not healthy, it’s not a happy environment and shows little respect for you as a person to be doing that. Could you ever imagine doing that to him/someone you love? You just wouldn’t do it.

    Don’t feel like a loser because you’re single at 34. Is life all about having a relationship then? Does your relationship status determine your value? I think what does determine your value is that you are able to get out of a bad relationship and eventually in time, after healing and realising your worth, you find someone who mirrors you. It’s better to be alone than with someone who mistreats you

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