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July 14, 2017 at 1:42 pm #158158KatieParticipant
Also, when the “no you don’t” thing happened, I decided at that instant that I would never be the first person to say “I love you” ever again.
July 15, 2017 at 5:27 am #158232AnonymousGuestDear Katie:
Regarding your very last post: when he said “no you don’t”- a new connection, a new neuropathway was created in your brain between saying first to a man “I love you” AND rejection. This new pathway has joined a web of pathways that have to do with your relationship anxiety.
The man you are seeing, since you are having a physical relationship with him, asking him about his position on monogamy (having physical relationships with one woman at a time) is very appropriate.
Let’s say you ask him this, choosing your words, how do you think it can be the “kiss of death”, how can it bring the end of the relationship?
Another question regarding your original post, you wrote there: “looking back on where I might have picked up this feeling that I’m not good enough and any partner I have will eventually lose interest (or if they don’t, I will).”- how far back did you look and what did you see…?
anita
July 17, 2017 at 7:17 am #158480KatieParticipantHi Anita,
We did discuss our relationship a little last week and the world doesn’t seem to have collapsed lol. Unfortunately we were both a little drunk so the specifics are hard to recall. I feel like basically it was a positive conversation and confirmed what I’m feeling – that I want to pursue a relationship with him and only him. The “kiss of death” feeling that I have after having had those conversations in the past is because of my reaction to the talks…nothing I hear is ever what I want to hear and I can hardly stop myself questioning the guy until he is probably completely overwhelmed and shuts down and is over the whole thing (my perception). Even if the conversation had started out positively, it’s like sometimes everything I hear is negative even if it’s not. I can spin something neutral or even good until I’m able to re-create it as proof that the guy isn’t really into me.
As far as your second question – should I be looking back at romantic relationships or at other things, maybe from my childhood and upbringing? I’ve had infatuations and obsessions as long as I can remember, crushing on boys when I was 10 years old and writing in my diary about my love for them, even some I never actually met.
July 17, 2017 at 8:32 am #158496AnonymousGuestDear Katie:
I just re-read your sharing from the first page of the thread, and I suppose you picked up the feeling that you are not good enough from your mother’s withdrawals from you. I think the “kiss of death” that you fear, in relationships with men, is about them withdrawing from you.
You wrote in your most recent post: “nothing I hear is ever what I want to hear”- can you state what it is exactly that you want to hear, what would satisfy you to hear?
You wrote: “I can hardly stop myself questioning the guy until he is probably completely overwhelmed and shuts down”- it is definitely possible to overwhelm a person by an ongoing interrogation- and it is possible for you to stop a questioning no matter how strong the urge to ask more and again.
You wrote: “it’s like sometimes everything I hear is negative even if it’s not. I can spin something neutral or even good until I’m able to re-create it as proof that the guy isn’t really into me”- I think you are trying to protect yourself from the “kiss of death” aka withdrawal, I believe. You try to protect yourself by seeing-it-coming and being prepared (instead of not seeing it coming and being surprised).
anita
July 17, 2017 at 10:12 am #158518KatieParticipantHey Anita,
Thanks for responding so thoughtfully, as always!
I suppose the response I’m looking for and that would satisfy me (temporarily) is something like “I’m completely in love with you, never felt this way before, want to be with you forever, you’re exactly what I want in every way, etc…” I know it’s ridiculous to hope or expect all that, but just being honest. OF COURSE, even if someone did say that it would only take a short time before I start getting anxious that they don’t feel like that anymore!
I agree it’s possible to stop the rapid fire interrogation and just as possible for someone to become overwhelmed being on the receiving end. I’ve been able to cut this questioning out for the most part as I’ve gotten older, but the feelings underneath it are all still there. I do feel like I’m just naturally making progress (less anxiety, less acting out) as I move further away from a hormonal teenager, but I’m tired of being so uncomfortable when the anxiety does come up and that’s what’s brought me here.
I see how this negative thinking pattern probably is an attempt to protect myself from the end or withdrawal of a relationship but I know that it’s just become a self fulfilling prophecy. I truly do feel like I’ve got a decent handle on not letting these feelings manifest (at least compared to where I was 12 years ago, or 5 even) but I feel all the anxiety still boiling underneath and sometimes feel like it’s a really thin membrane that keeps them under the surface. Sometimes feels like I’m fooling potential partners because of this even.
July 17, 2017 at 10:48 am #158524AnonymousGuestDear Katie:
I am thinking you want to hear the man saying he never felt like this before because if he felt like this before in a previous relationship and the relationship ended, it means the feeling was wrong, and so, it can be wrong in the relationship with you too. And no matter what the answer, the relief is temporary and you “start getting anxious that they don’t feel like that anymore!”-
Feelings are not tangible. You can’t put them in the bank and be assured that they keep their value; you can’t hold on to them and keep them whole. Can’t depend much on feelings.
This is why character is important, that is, the values a man practices. Choose a character, and your chances for a loving relationship, a desirable, lasting relationship is much better. Maybe a reasonable questioning of a man values, or better observing his values in his behavior with you and with others, is more sensible than asking him about his feelings.
Nonetheless, fear is very powerful. I know that very well.
anita
July 18, 2017 at 5:06 am #158752KatieParticipantHi Anita,
Good point about feelings vs. values and character. Probably a reminder I need to keep coming back to!
Yes! Fear is one of our major drivers. How are you managing yours these days and do you still struggle with it? Someone important to me told me a long time ago to never do anything if it’s fear that’s motivating me to do it. I was so young when he told me and didn’t really get the importance but it’s something I think about a lot when I’m trying to make decisions in my life. The thing I’m most scared of is probably what I need to do the most! Still, hard to practice that at times and some fears are definitely stronger and harder to overcome than others.
July 18, 2017 at 7:45 am #158778AnonymousGuestDear Katie:
Yes, I still struggle with fear, and am making much progress in my long, long… long process of healing from a life ruled by fear. I will describe my most current understanding of fear by responding to what the person who told you “never do anything if it’s fear that’s motivating (you) to do it”-
When you are in real and imminent danger, you will respond effectively without thinking about it, the animal nature in us provides us with that mechanism. When we are not in real and imminent danger, and we feel fear, many of us, many millions of us, will do anything to be relieved of fear, first thing that comes to mind. Often it is a self defeating act, resulting in more sickness, physical disabilities and even death. Unless dead, we will keep responding to fear any which way, do anything for relief, no matter how temporary the relief. We will do anything that once provided a relief, even if it no longer does- the memory of past relief is motivation enough (to inject, snort, smoke, overeat, drink, submit to harmful people, etc., etc.)
So yes, if you are motivated by fear, and you do have a moment to think about it, do not act impulsively, think beforehand. The more thoughtful choices we make, the better our mental health.
You wrote: “The thing I’m most scared of is probably what I need to do the most!”- responding to some people assertively still scares me, it did only yesterday. But I remembered what I wrote to a member on the Forums: it will feel better with practice, be patient with the process. I often remind myself of what I post here for others.
anita
July 18, 2017 at 11:06 am #158820ElianaParticipantHi Katie
I re-read your earlier posts thoroughly and think you have made alot of progress with your anxiety. I think you are doing awesome. Each time, you get anxious, try to turn the anxiety to excitement. For example, if you are having negative thoughts, try to turn them over to something you are looking forward to with this man. You are already making great strides. Keep up the good work..
July 20, 2017 at 8:32 am #159164KatieParticipantAnita, I understand being afraid to respond to people assertively! I think you do a great job of it though, at least on here. Agreed being patient with ourselves is key.
Eliana, thanks for the kind words! Sometimes I feel like I’m making progress and other times (like today) I’m stuck in the anxiety. Although even today I guess I feel a little more in control of it than I did a couple years ago. Sometimes being excited for things just feeds my anxiety. Like unless he and I have definite plans, it’s hard for me to look forward to anything with him because I don’t know if it will actually happen so that’s where my mind goes.
Definitely am struggling today though! I just feel anxious and tearful and I’m looking for proof that he doesn’t like me, and to be honest it’s not that hard to find. But I’m so confused because when we’re together he really does seem to be into me and I LIKE HIM so it’s hard to understand how it couldn’t be reciprocated when we have such a good time together and laugh a lot and are into a lot of the same things. Situation: yesterday I went to an amusement park with a couple friends. Texted him pictures and he sent back something nice. Little bit later I said “we need to make plans to come back together and ride all these coasters”…nothing in response. Texted him back something silly a couple hours later and he immediately responded. Which answered my question of whether he was too busy to respond to my suggestion of coming back together…clearly not. And then nothing else for the rest of the day and still haven’t heard from him today and it’s almost noon. I don’t know if I’m unreasonable or what. I know when relationships develop into something more serious than not, I have a tendency to start expecting things…certain reactions, a certain amount of contact and communication. Even if I haven’t communicated these expectations to him, I still have them. Which I realize isn’t fair because how is he to know what I’m expecting or wanting out of a relationship if I don’t tell him? But I don’t really think there’s an effective way to tell him I’d like to hear from him everyday and it’s important that he initiate the contact sometimes. Seems like that should just be a natural happening, and if I have to ask for it then something’s wrong. All my thoughts and his seeming withdrawal just make me mad and want to shut down and shut him out and not reach out but then the thought that he won’t reach out either is almost more than I can handle. 🙁 It’s just so uncomfortable :(:(
July 21, 2017 at 6:37 am #159356AnonymousGuestDear Katie:
Thank you for your note for me, above. Post again, anytime.
anita
July 21, 2017 at 7:04 am #159358KatieParticipantThanks Anita. Did you see the second part of my post from yesterday?
July 21, 2017 at 8:12 am #159372AnonymousGuestDear Katie:
I thought the third paragraph in your yesterday’s post was directed to a specific member, not to me. Lets see… yesterday you were at an amusement part, sent him a text with photos and he responded. You sent him a second text (suggesting you should make plans to go to that park together) and he didn’t respond. You sent him a third text and he responded. Nothing for the rest of yesterday and nothing so far today.
Question: when you were at the amusement park and texted him, where was he? Where is he today, so far, working (don’t remember if you shared)?
anita
July 21, 2017 at 8:31 am #159374KatieParticipantAnita,
Sorry for the confusion – I just meant that third paragraph as a general post to anyone reading. Thank you for responding!
When I texted him at the amusement park he was at work. Probably at work today too.
July 21, 2017 at 9:16 am #159382AnonymousGuestDear Katie:
How involved is he at his work, do you know? What is he working for, toward what goals? Does he interact with other people a whole lot, at work, online and/ or co workers? Does he work long hours..?
anita
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