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New Relationship Anxiety

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Viewing 12 posts - 31 through 42 (of 42 total)
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  • July 21, 2017 at 10:11 am #159400
    Katie
    Participant

    He’s pretty involved…has been at his company a long time and has earned one of the higher positions there. He does a lot of traveling so will be gone for 2 weeks starting next week and right now he’s busy prepping at work for that trip. Not sure about how much he interacts with other people at work, but he does refer to some of his workmates as his buddies. He has some flexibility with his hours when he’s in town, but when he’s traveling he’s working pretty much most of the time from what I know. He is also doing some remodeling of his house and since he does do so much traveling with work he really has to bust his butt to get things done when he’s home.

    I can see that he’s busy, especially after typing that out. I probably have too much time on my hands. I am not super busy at work at the moment, and even when I am, I think I’m probably better at multi-tasking so it’s not a big deal for me to be texting and working at the same time. But I understand that while he’s at work I can’t expect too much communication. Just felt a little hurt that he didn’t respond to my let’s ride roller coasters together text. Even if he had responded later…at least it wouldn’t have been completely ignored and I wouldn’t have to wonder if that was intentional or not. I don’t feel like interactions increase outside of work hours…this is the problem. And especially with how busy he is, it seems like he would want to try to plan times to hang further in advance. But I guess he’s just juggling a lot. I also worry about this upcoming trip of his…I guess it will be a good test to see if we can hold it together, but I feel like I probably won’t hear from him a lot and I don’t know how you can develop a relationship with someone if you’re barely in contact. It’s hard for me to know what are valid concerns and what’s my unreasonable expectations. The last relationship I was in for 2 years and he would text me all the time…always good mornings and good nights and we’d always be letting each other know what we were up to. So I think I got pretty used to that kind of communication and I miss it to be honest.

    July 21, 2017 at 10:28 am #159408
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    I understand why you would miss having more communication with a man you are dating.

    You wrote: “It’s hard for me to know what are valid concerns and what’s my unreasonable expectations.”- could be both, at different combinations, at different times. For example, the roller coaster rides, you texted him that you should plan a visit to that park together. Let’s say, you were feeling really good when you texted it, right after a ride, and excited and hopeful at the idea of going on that ride with him: how wonderful it would be! So you texted him. On his end, he is planning for the trip, maybe he is hungry and looking forward to lunch. He can’t think of a roller coaster ride, he is thinking of what he will have for lunch and with whom he will be having it, and … will he be able to stop at a store at the end of his lunch break, to get that part for his house modeling project.

    So, let’s say he sees your text about the roller coaster ride and he doesn’t want to answer it- he doesn’t want to fake an interest when he feels none, it will annoy him if he will, so he forgets about it.

    When you communicate with him, remember that it is not only about what you experience at the time, the communication is also about what he is experiencing at the time, and the two may be very different and incompatible.

    …And I understand and find your need for more communication valid.

    anita

    July 21, 2017 at 10:37 am #159410
    Katie
    Participant

    Thanks Anita. I think you have a good point about us each having different experiences at any given moment and that’s what’s behind our communication or lack of. It’s helpful for me to remember that, as I know I can be kind of self centered. It’s actually a relief to fully believe that not everything is about me. In fact almost nothing is lol. I guess I don’t know what I should do at this point? I don’t really want to back off but I feel like I need for him to show me that he wants to make an effort too or else I will continue to feel like this. But by just sitting back and waiting to see what he’s going to do I’m putting all the power in his hands and I don’t like that either. Torn :/

    July 21, 2017 at 10:57 am #159428
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    I think you need to communicate with him honestly and simply about this problem. Take the middle way between “waiting to see what he’s going to do”- the passive way, and what people often enough do, which is the extreme: getting angry, putting pressure, giving an ultimatum, and such.

    The middle way would be a simple, honest communication: I need this from you, do you think my need is reasonable, can you and are you willing to do this. Your words, of course, but that kind of communication.

    anita

    July 21, 2017 at 11:36 am #159454
    Katie
    Participant

    I hear you and agree. It’s so scary and hard for me to have those kind of conversations ugh. I don’t trust myself to talk about it without getting upset/crying but I just need to try. And if he can’t handle an honest conversation like that then I guess that’s better to know sooner than later.

    July 21, 2017 at 11:47 am #159456
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    You wrote “if he can’t handle an honest conversation like that..”- but it is you who has trouble handling a conversation like that, this is why it is so scary and hard for you. (He may have trouble too, I don’t know).

    To make it easier and less difficult, practice. Here or on Word, type your initiated beginning of the conversation. Then create different scenarios for the imagined conversation. In each scenario come up with a different response by him (one would be no response at all). For each response/ scenario, come up with your response.

    This will be a good practice for you regardless of the results. Really, it is necessary, as I see it.

    anita

    July 21, 2017 at 12:01 pm #159460
    Katie
    Participant

    Do you think it’s too accusatory if I say something like “sometimes I feel like I’m always the one to initiate conversation”?

    July 21, 2017 at 7:29 pm #159500
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    It is not a feeling that you are the one initiating contact, it is a fact, isn’t it? It will be more accurate to say: I feel awkward about the fact that I am the one always initiating contact. But I wouldn’t start with that. It does sound confrontational to start with. If you are planning a conversation with him, you can place this sentence in a later part of a conversation/s. Start with something else…?

    anita

    July 24, 2017 at 7:41 am #159882
    Katie
    Participant

    Hey Anita,

    I decided to just sit on it for a while (my go to lol) and went home on Friday and took a nap. Woke up to a phone call from him wanting to make plans for the weekend. 🙂 So I really do feel like we just have different communication styles and my overactive brain thinks and reads way too much into it. This has happened a few times with him…I’ll start spiraling and then he’ll reach out and I’ll realize that in reality nothing was wrong the whole time…it was just the way I was thinking and re-thinking it. My challenge now is how the heck do I keep myself from spiraling into anxiety and negative thoughts in the future (I know it’s bound to happen)?? I think keeping busier would probably help, but I become so pre-occupied when this stuff’s going down that it’s really hard to focus on anything else.

    July 24, 2017 at 8:55 am #159906
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    So he does initiate contact sometimes. I was under the impression that he never does, that you are the one who always initiates contact and dates.

    As to “how the heck do I keep myself from spiraling into anxiety and negative thoughts in the future (I know it’s bound to happen)??” – why don’t you, in your calm state (now or later), write a letter to your anxious self. When you get anxious read that letter. In that letter talk sense to yourself, logic, correct thinking. Ask your anxious self to take a few deep breaths (and a hot bath or a brisk walk or such) and re-think, re-think the automatic thoughts. Let her know of the correct thoughts that are available for you when you are calm.

    Your anxious self may be motivated then to clear that storm of the brain, clear that fog and smoke created by that storm, so to see/ think clearly.

    anita

    July 24, 2017 at 1:35 pm #159948
    Katie
    Participant

    Anita,

    Yea, I probably gave that impression…when I post on here it’s usually at my worst and I’m seeing everything in a negative light. Plus it legitimately does seem like I’m often the one to initiate everything most times because I can’t go more than a few hours without reaching out. But I feel like if I gave him the chance to reach out he would in his own time, it just might not be with the frequency I would like…with the frequency that my inner insecure self needs to feel reassured.

    Thank you for that advice to write a letter to my anxious self while I’m in my calmer state! I like that and hope I can get the motivation to get it going. 🙂

    July 25, 2017 at 8:38 am #160082
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    You are welcome.

    Part of that foggy thinking when we are anxious is the all-or-nothing thinking, aka black-and-white thinking. In this case, you presented him never initiating contact and you always initiating contact. The “never” and “always” is that all or nothing thinking. In the last post you presented balanced thinking: most of the time (not always), you are the one initiating contact. But that could be because you are anxious to reach out and that if you didn’t contact him as quickly as you do, he would contact you first.

    This is a good point for you to write in that letter to your anxious self.

    anita

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