November 6, 2017 at 9:48 am #176715
How everyone's story starts. I used to be so full of joy, a happy person surrounded by friends, confident in my own skin and with who I was, I honestly didn't care about what other people thought of me. It may sound like I was a snob but I felt like I was special and had a purpose in this world. Nothing people would say would hurt me, it literally didn't matter cause I was so convinced I was special, different. I thought my life would get somewhere and mean something one day, that I would get where I wanted in life and help others who needed it.
I think I felt that way because I grew up with emotional abuse and maybe some physical. I was spanked as a child, my parents marriage was terrible to the point I literally lost count on how many times I've watched them get drunk and fight each other and literally get physical about it, since I was very little. My dad got to the point where he left us for a couple days but then he came back. But I think I felt that way about myself being special because as a kid I tried being the joy in the house. Always being silly and making my mom laugh, all I wanted was to see her smile and not deal with all the crap I watched her deal with. Same goes to my dad but he wasn't around as much since he worked a lot, but the point is I was strong as a child, enough to take it upon me “the responsibility of making my parents happy again” when shit was going down. They always told me I was their light, that even their friends would notice I was a special kid when they brought me around cause I've always been friendly and caring. I would sit and talk to my mother about their fights after, kissing her whole face with my lips wet from her tears, that would always make her feel better, or at least distract her. But when I think about it, that was a lot of emotional shit to deal with as a child and trying to be the bigger person since they acted like children whenever they fought.
I don't really like to talk about my past as if I'm a victim. I didn't even know I was going to be scarred for those things until I grew up and matured. I still though feel responsible for the fact they are still miserable and depressed and I give them no pride because I have become this fragile piece of shit that doesn't have anything to life for. HeHe that escalated really quick huh
But anyway, what happens to pretty girls with strong spirits, goals and ambition in life? They get spotted by narcissistic assholes that want to drain all that life and energy so they can be the ones to take all the glory of a social circle of friends laughing at this girl's jokes and enjoying her presence. Surprise, surprise, I am another girl who fell in love with her destroyer.
Here I am this girl who can put up with all this shit at home, besides financial problems I didn't even mention, being broken by something/someone so stupid. What people don't realize is that they present themselves as your savior and gain your trust and love before finding out your insecurities and emotional wounds so they can use it against you. I was not only brainwashed and emotionally abused by this man but also physically. Yeah yeah he raped me, the man I loved, and it took me a while to realize what was happening to me. I've had so many mental breakdowns after this guy destroyed me completely, I went to dark places in my head I didn't think existed. I felt physical heartaches that I'm sure only death could make me feel that feeling again.
Speaking of feeling your feelings and actually coming down to what I actually want to say, I don't think I allow myself to feel anymore. I'm never sure if people feel anything at all for me, but since we project ourselves and expectations on others, I'm starting to feel like I don't get attached to anybody or anything because I feel like I'm nothing. But not in a sad way. I don't feel sad all the time anymore. I used to have a lot of panic attacks and cry a lot for no apparent reason… Now I'm over all that shit. I'm SO OVER feeling sorry for myself. But now I find myself lost in who I am, things I like don't seem so interesting anymore because all I can think of is the fact that there's people better than me out there making history and I'm just an amateur, but who cares we're all gonna die. I'm numb. I don't feel alive but I want to so badly, I catch myself on my anxiety induced obsessive thoughts trying to figure out my place in this world. Mostly looking back and thinking “where the fuck is that awesome girl who felt so special and didn't compare herself to anyone? who thought she had her own perspective and input to put out there?” Everything I do seems pointless and everyone I know doesn't seem interested in getting to know me. When I'm not trying to figure out who I am, I'm trying to adapt to what people around me are. Cause I don't want to be alone in the world, but that also sucks because I feel like I'm playing a part all the time.
I don't know, sounds like a lot of crap I'm just typing down to get these thoughts out of my head. How do you face yourself and find out who you are after toxic relationships (not only with lovers, but friends and family as well) destroy everything you thought you were? Not only I ask myself that but at the same time think I'm a waste of life for wondering instead of living.
GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH I just want to reboot my brain and just be. JUST BE. Whatever the hell that means, I don't want to think about it!
I don't even expect anyone to read this. But thank you if you did. I certainly hope someone has some guidance for this lost soul lol I certainly need itNovember 6, 2017 at 10:31 am #176737
Reads to me that you lost your purpose: to make your mother and father happy, to take away her tears with your kisses, to bring her/ them joy. You wrote: “They always told me I was their light, that even their friends would notice..”- that was your success. You had a goal and you achieved it. That success made you feel special and confident.
Problem: “they are still miserable and depressed'- mission failed, you realize. Your goal is gone and so is your specialness and confidence.
And then there was that relationship, a man you perceived to be at one point “your savior”-
you didn't share much about it, how it came about. If you looked at him as your savior, I imagine that it was after you realized you failed aim #1: to make your parents happy, am I correct?
November 6, 2017 at 7:14 pm #176783
- This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by anita.
I am learning that you can absolutely choose to “reboot” your brain. It takes effort, but it can be done.November 7, 2017 at 11:25 am #176887
I would like to share with you my experience following the following input:
We need to feel that we make a positive difference in the lives of those we love. As the child that you were, those people you loved were your parents. They (and other people) told you things that indicated that you indeed made such a difference. You took in any indication that you made such a difference and made the best of it.
In reality they were miserable then as they are now. It is only looking back that you think of that difference you made in your mother as a temporary distraction (when you wiped away her tears with your kisses). At the time, you made believe best you could that indeed you were making a real difference.
Now my experience: I had the same need as you, to make a positive difference in my mother's life. She expressed her misery in no uncertain terms and more than anything I wanted to make her happy. As hard as I must have tried (I remember so little of my childhood), she reacted by telling me, and showing me, how miserable she was and that I was causing her misery.
I was not able to make believe that I was making her happy. No indications to support such belief. Therefore I was not the joyful, confident feeling child that you were. I was way deep in Misery.
It is that helplessness, that making-no-different- experience, that is so harmful to a child and to a person of any age.
There is hope, Letticia. Once you do make a difference, a real difference in a person life, you fill in that emptiness.