Dear Silvia,

I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through – and first of all to say , what a fabulously strong person you are to keep down your airline job, and look after your daughter during this turmoil and stress. That truly shows your strength and courage as a person.

You have been through so much, and from an outside perspective – it is clear that you are undergoing mental and emotional abuse, and physical threats too. It seems that from what you say – it is your partner who needs help with his control issues. How dare he intimidate you in your home, and how unjust of him to put you in this position with your daughter standing by – whom no doubt you want to protect. The fact that all of this is going on would lead me to say – get away fast girl ! You have a job, you can confide in those friends that he does not like – and explain what has been going on,. Or perhaps you have sisters or brothers who you can stay with ? Whover is a good friend will help you out, even for a few weeks.

This man has no right to intimidate, and corner you, break down doors….who does he think he is ? You are the one holding it all together – working, and trying to keep things afloat – but you say yourself that there is ”no getting through to him”. Please dear sister – you can and will, as I think you know – be fine, actually you will be way more than fine – you will be great. Just take that next step to freedom, when you have things in place, and when you have your accomodation / living arrangements organised. Do not worry – that part will work itself out, once you decise to do it.

I hope there will be much more advice here, and well done for your steps in self care – yoga and meditation – which again is proof of your strength and will to keep yourself positive and as well as you can. Writing on here is also a great step, as you are reaching out ! There are organisations that can help you too – and I know that they would be very aware of the delicate nature of making a move – so maybe a womans shelter would even be an option for a very short time, or at least for good advice. The practicalitites will hopefully be all worked out.

Hearing your words ”i just want peace’ and ‘I want to break free’ it seems you want to get away and start a peaceful life – and one you deserve ! Please keep well and take care, and keep as positive as you can. Things will get better. You also sound like a kind, caring and intelligent person – you have everything going for you, and your daughter too.

Love and Namaste
Barbs 🙂

You are being abused and that is a sad thing. It also sounds like you are not the only target of his behavior so there may be a personality disorder going on with him and that can be so difficult to change. He is likely suffering with no idea why and has developed an unhealthy way to express his emotions. He must get help and learn how to not be abusive. This is something he will only be able to come to on his own and I guess that anything you say in trying to get him help will only end in disaster. I would recommend starting with your own therapist and see if that opens the door for him.

Sylvia, I read your post several times. With a background in law enforcement and crisis management, I’ve worked with dozens of battered women. But I don’t like to give advice, so instead I would like to give some observations and ask some questions. Observation one there are only three places that a relationship can be. In, out, or on hold. I get that you are at minimum on hold and perhaps even already out. Observation two this is a very emotional situation. Absent that emotion there are three things that are evident. First you feel connected because of the past. Second you are in an emotional logjam in the present. Third you’re unable to see a future at this time. What is pretty much guarantee is that if you continue with things as they are, that will be future be your future. Question: what is your daughter learning about how men treat women? I noticed that you gave a lot of reasons why you couldn’t leave. But not much about why you should leave. Many of the things that you have been doing to find relief seem more to be tolerating what is intolerable. It would appear that when it’s all drawn down you have to choices. You can tolerate it, or make other plans. Without some outside influence the situation will continue to repeat itself over and over getting more violent as it goes. Listen to the cop here i’ve seen too many times. You have received some good advice from others. Matt pointed out that battered women shelters are available. Is there a reason you shouldn’t contact them and see what help they can give? Again, taking the emotional part out of your husband’s threats, most of it boils down to fear and not fact. On your own you don’t seem to have the emotional resources to deal with this. You are in a very difficult, but not impossible situation. You will only stay trapped if you are willing to do so. You do have other choices. Sometimes the only way out of this kind of situation you should go through what needs to happen to end it.

Love and violence can not walk through one door. Love is as love does and this is violence and hate. Leave! Write to Dr. Phil if you have to for help but get out, especially for your daughter. She is living in an abusive home and has no power to do anything about it because of her age, but you do. Your daughter and you are the two responsibilities that you have. He is responsible for himself.

If it is a disorder, he needs to recognise this and seek help. You can neither change him nor help him until he realises where the problem lies, with him.. Barbs, Matt and Howard have imparted very wise thoughts and observations so I am left with wishing you and your daughter the peace you both desire and need. Peace be with you.

Blessings,
Elisabeth