Hi TB community,

Just wanted to see if anyone had an opinion or thought to share.  This topic is difficult for me, being I have a ton of shame, embarrassment and regret around it.  Thank you for taking the time to read it and comment, if so.

I was born with a larger nose than most that included a “bump.”  I was always self conscious about it (got teased a lot).  My Dad and Grandma had similar noses.  I was always thinking about my nose, and thought, if I didn’t have this, then I could….(insert dream).  Yet, looking back, my nose fit my face being it was long and thin as well.  After college, I talked with my parents and scheduled a rhinoplasty appointment.  I did my research, met the Doctor, and went through with it.  It actually went well, and he fixed my deviated septum in addition.  Afterwards, I was still “me,” but without the bump.  Life goes on, things are fine.

Later on, my nose was a bit crooked, and I had the same doctor do a revision to straighten my nose, but it actually made it a bit worse.  I then start dating someone I fell deep in love with and we are together for 4+ years.  There were some shady things going on with him and other women, and even though it was extremely difficult, I broke up with him.  This was 10 years ago, and it was the first time I went through a major depression (but didn’t realize it at the time).  Oddly enough (or not), I focused completely on my nose, which makes me believe I have a form of body dysmorphia, and scheduled another surgery with a well renowned doctor in LA.  This was shortly after the breakup, and I was in no condition to do this.  I “made” my Mom go with me, and told her not to talk me out of it.  The whole is ridiculous to me now.  I spent a lot of money to have another surgery that I never should have had, and it actually made my nose look worse.

My nose is now short and wide, and doesn’t fit my face.  I feel that I used to be somewhat pretty and now I can barely look myself in the face.  I despise photos and smiling/laughing too much, being it looks odd on me now.  I literally think about what I did every single day.  I wake up at night and can’t sleep on a regular basis.  I have gone to therapy, and it’s helped, but I still have all this regret.  I feel like this has affected my relationships as well, being I have this underlying feeling of being a fraud, unauthentic, and have an identity crisis of sorts.  I was born with a healthy body, and I should have honored that.  I also regret that I spent all that money frivolously (rather than helping someone) .  I am embarrassed around my family and feel so much shame for what I did.  I actually avoid people I haven’t seen in the past 10 years, being I don’t want them to see what I look like now (being it’s so obvious).  I have excelled at other places in my life, and have wonderful friends, good job, etc.  But, I just can’t let this go, and give myself a break.  I don’t understand why I did what I did.  I am proud of heritage, and I blatantly changed my appearance.  I try to eat/be healthy, but I can go have plastic surgery to alter my face?  Ironically, it goes against what I believe in.  I am ashamed of what I did, and I feel that it’s a sentence that I gave myself.  I apologize for my ramblings, but has anyone experienced anything like this?  From a Buddha perspective, can I make any sense of what I did?  I don’t know how to “sit” with myself and be at peace with it.  I don’t even know if that’s possible.  It’s been at least 10 years of self loathing in this regard.

Thank you.  x