I have had an on and off relationship with my ex. Mostly because I have intimacy needs but I don’t want to put myself in new relationships when I am too busy searching for my success in school, work and self improvement. However, recently he now wants to ends things once and for all. I let my reactionary side come out too often on him and it was my way of dealing with the lack of involvement from his part. By now we both confessed to each other we have hooked up with other people during our break ups. So now I feel unsafe with him, things would have to change in order to feel safe again with him but I really doubt he is going to give me that. I am facing the possibility of just letting this all go, but I worry about my intimacy needs. I really just dont want to witness more lovers in my lifetime. Its very exhausting to me. I know I will survive, I know I am missing out on beautiful relationships but I just want to go without for as long as possible. Is this not realistic? how do I let go of hating romance and sex.. or hating the lack of control within it?
I think one of the best ways to get over relationships is to work on yourself. Who is the person you want to be? What do you want to change about yourself? You can make a list of things, and each day make progress toward a goal. “What can I do today to become better?” Focus on the magic of progress, on the ability to be able to become the person you want to. Try to create possibilities instead of lingering over things that you can’t change.
You don’t need sex to be happy. As you seem to realize, there is definitely a dangerous side to intimacy, but having a partner you can trust to do that with is not worth feeling unsafe. There are definitely creative ways to stimulate yourself (mentally, of course ;). And who knows? Maybe you can still find the love of your life while you are working on yourself. I think it was actually Dawg The Bounty Hunter who once said, “It was only when I started to love myself did true love find me”.
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