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not sure what to do with the husband

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  • #376072
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    My husband has started a week of just coming at me like a dog since we bought a new place. he says horrible things to me, puts me down in front of others, says that no one likes me…..says all sorts of nasty things that basically mean i am a bad person and that im the wrong one in the relationship and that i should change and that everyone hates me and then lists all the people. says my friends are not friends with me truly etc etc. its been going on for a week now and its escalating far to the point where i need advice. he comes at me daily for little things i do and just attacks me even if ive done nothing at all. he dont like it that i dont work as i lost my job last year and have taken a break.

    6 years married and i dont know what to do as im doubting myself and my character now suddenly thinking im not right as a person and feeling like i cant be myself anymore and now deciding not to meet anyone associated with him as automatically i assume they dislike me after he feeds this stuff into my head. whether its true or not i dont know but all i know is that his friend who came round recently said some horrible things behind my back to him about my character and basically i only met him a few times and i never once was rude to this person or disrespectful. im starting to wonder why his friends or family feel to speak badly about me to him, am i not good enough?

    i know that i should be true to myself and people cannot change but why cant my husband accept me for who i am? i have flaws and i know that. this has been going on for years on and off but now its gone far. i do want to add that were not on the same level intelectually and he points out frequently that i am “dumb” when i kind of know that i am not. i am slow to take things in, maybe call it blonde if you will but it bothers him alot that im not as smart as he is. what do i do?

    #376074
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear patelh,

    your situation reminds me of my cousin. Her in-laws never accepted her, were telling she’s not good enough for their son, because she’s a few years older, hasn’t graduated from college, and that she’s messy and doesn’t keep order at home. Well, that may be true, but she’s a good person otherwise and was a good match for her husband. They did well and had 2 beautiful daughters together. The husband was loving in the beginning, but then started to criticize her more and more, falling under the influence of his parents. Eventually he filed for divorce, and they did get a divorce. She was devastated but she’s survived, and probably she’s better off now without the constant criticism and put-downs by her husband and in-laws.

    The problem is that he was a weak man, insecure in himself, and didn’t have the guts to confront his parents and defend her. She had low self-esteem issues, and so she tolerated his criticism, and partly thought she deserved it. He was the superior one, she was inferior. She believed it.

    I see a lot of similarities with your situation, because as you say, your husband doesn’t respect you and agrees with his parents and family that you’re inferior. It could be that he’s specially rude and impatient with you nowadays because you’re not working and decided not to look for a job at the moment. My cousin’s husband was similar – he didn’t like that she stayed more than one year at home after the birth of their 2nd daughter. He thought she was lazy.

    My advice is to separate from your husband because it probably won’t get better. It could in theory, if you move somewhere else, where he’s further away from his family. But it’s not a guarantee because they can still influence him – and he seems very susceptible to their opinion. If he doesn’t respect you, that’s a huge and No1 problem. Another problem is if you don’t respect yourself…. You’d need to work on your self-esteem and decide that you’re good enough, there’s nothing wrong with you, and that you don’t want to tolerate this kind of attitude.

    I guess if you’d like to separate, you would need to find a job, so it’s not the best timing for you now. But this situation with your husband isn’t really sustainable and will only make you miserable.

     

    • This reply was modified 7 months ago by TeaK.
    #376078
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    so my husband has stood up to his parents and married me against their will which i respected but nowadays things seem turmoil and its only kicked up a week ago otherwise when someone criticises me to him we get into a fight. not sure why they do that. im the one thinking to separate though he hasnt got the guts to do it, he doesnt want to let his family down and show them that they were right from the start. re a job, im looking for one soon i just took a break as it was a redundancy and finance isnt an issue. but his friends say im lazy and dont want to find a job etc etc. the comments just come in and it affects him badly. my husband called me inferior last night, i dont even know why. but seems similar to your cousin there. we are due to move house which is out of the area where his family and friends live but unfortunately it is still possible for him to see them as its only 20 minutes away by car. and yeah all this stress is not good for my health i have a chronic illness and to be honest it is making me miserable alot!

    #376079
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear patelh,

    It seems to me that your husband has low self-esteem, and that’s why it’s important for him to be accepted and not judged by his family. When they criticize you, for him it might be as if they are criticizing him – that his choice of wife wasn’t good, that he was wrong, that he’s not good enough, he’s not meeting their expectations… So probably he feels not good enough, but then immediately blames you for that – he believes it’s your fault that he feels bad about himself.  If you would only change, he would feel better about himself. At least that was what my cousin’s husband was claiming…

    If you want to make things work with your husband, I think he would need to realize that his biggest enemy is himself: his lack of self-confidence and his need to get his family’s approval. If he could work on himself, he’d almost certainly become less judgemental and more respectful of you.

    #376080
    anita
    Participant

    Dear patelh:

    I think that this man who carries the title of your husband, does not deserve this title. I thought so in July and August 2019 when I posted to you: “separate from him and his family… gather information on divorcing, then see a competent, effective and hard working divorce lawyer and proceed…. His family and him are one unit, so to separate from them, you have to separate from him… make it a legal separation and a separate living situation… Obtain legal custody of your child, maybe a shared custody with him..  See to it that you have adequate medical care, that you obtain.. alimony and child support.. Keep your communication with him minimal and specific to co parenting your child”.

    I don’t think that you are closer now to taking my advice than you were a year and a half ago. You wrote at the time regarding separating from him: “I wish to take that step but my courage to do it is low. I am the type to make things work and try hard to work around situations”-

    – working around disrespect in your marriage… how do you do that?

    Interestingly, it may be that his mother/ his parents who disapproved of the marriage are a significant reason why the two are still together: you don’t want to separate from him and please his parents for getting their wish, and “he does not want his parents to think they were right when they said not to go ahead with this marriage.. he does not want to prove them right, he rather prove them wrong”.

    anita

    #376084
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    yes agree we dont want them to get their wish and satisfy them, its almost like we got married to make a point. anyway its all regretful. for now im thinking to amicably separate rather than officially divorce. not sure if that is at all possible? for the sake of our daughter and the fact we just bought a new home a week ago!!! his stress levels have kicked off and its a mess!

    #376086
    anita
    Participant

    Dear patelh:

    I hope that separation from him is possible for you, so that you will have way less stress in your life, and as a consequence, your daughter will experience less stress (a stressful mother-> a stress-filled daughter).

    For as long as you live with him and “his stress levels (are) kicked off”- stay out of his way, try to not interact with him at all.

    anita

    #376087
    robbie
    Participant

    I am so sorry! It’s a horrible situation.  May I ask if your husband has had brain trauma/surgery in the past?  I’m asking because mine did.  Brain tumor.  It changed him completely.

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