I realize that over the course of my current relationship, which likely needs ending soon, I’ve made some critical errors.

I’ve made plans with, and promises to, my girlfriend, who I do love–though, after reaching the insights I’ve gleaned over the past few days, some may say I don’t actually love her–that I feel will lead to me never reaching my full potential in life, and will prevent me from being truly happy and peaceful.

I’ll get down to the nitty gritty, and how it’s affecting me now. My girlfriend and I have made plans to move in together, two years from now (seems very stupid and impractical to plan something like that two years in advance, now that I think about it). She also has a kid, and I’m having serious doubts about whether or not I want to parent a kid within the next five years, if ever.

I’m experiencing some serious dissonance, at the moment, because I feel I’ve lied–both to her and to myself. I lied to her, for a couple reasons I’ve understood: one was to satisfy us both in the moment, and the other was to avoid a very uncomfortable conversation. Selfish, I know, and I really don’t feel very good about it. I’ve been trying not to judge myself too harshly, but I am disappointed with myself.

As of right now, I feel like I’m living a lie, because I am. She thinks we have these plans, and I’m not so sure that I want to follow through with them anymore, because I don’t think I made them for the right reasons. I made them in vain and fear, and I’m having a very difficult time dealing with the dissonance I experience in her presence. I’ve been carrying around a fair amount of guilt, over the last week.

I know I must talk to her soon, though I’ve been holding off as she’s in the process of moving. I created a similar post describing my situation in the Relationships forum, but I’m talking more about myself, here. This is a difficult time for me, and any advice will be appreciated.

Thanks