April 30, 2021 at 3:55 am #378959JavairiaParticipant
I have this feeling on the back of my head all the time- that everything is so tiring. Little activities drain me out.
My classmates and I are graduating this year. In fact, next month. A lot of my friends feel excited. They look forward to a lot of things and events in their life and participate in them enthusiastically. But I feel drained out. I run away from social events, field trips and holiday gatherings, because it feels exhausting to think of what outfit to pick and how to make my hair. Shouldn’t that part actually be exciting, and feel refreshing?
Thinking of graduation has made me feel on the edge for months now. I am anxious about university placements, about where I will be by the end of this year, or will I even be able to move out or not; what if I end up getting a gap year, how scary is an unwanted gap year? My friends are also a bit anxious, but they’re also excited of university placements and everything.
I haven’t looked forward to much since a long time. I just worry and feel tired by the idea of having to do anything because it feels so taxing mentally to do anything after I’ve exhausted myself of just the thought of doing it. I always feel like I’m not ready, I need more time, more energy. I need someone to tell me that I don’t have to anything and just lie down and breathe. But things keep happening. And if I miss out on important deadlines, I might end up wasting an entire year.
A few of my friends ask me how am I this self-driven and how I manage to stay energetic, which hits me with a surprise. Because the statement is such a contradiction of how I feel. I feel tired. I’m not energetic, I run out of energy so soon. I run away from challenges, because they’re tiring to me. This lack of energy makes me feel so empty. I don’t feel thrilled thinking about my future like others do, I just feel scared. Immensely scared. Even though I have ambitions: I want to become a volunteer teacher, alongside working as a Textile designer, I do not look forward to future or anything at all. Because my brain convinces me that I’ll end up in a bad place, a really bad place, no matter how hard I try.April 30, 2021 at 6:23 am #378963anitaParticipant
The present state of your exhaustion can be understood when reviewing your past (and present) life at home.
On April 16, 2020 you shared that when you were a child, your very anxious mother “wouldn’t stop talking every five minutes”, expecting someone to be “24/7 by her side”, and you were that someone (“she used me for that purpose”). You talked to her “throughout childhood, even about things a child shouldn’t be talking”, for example she’d say: “What to do, my life doesn’t have a purpose and I want to die”, and you tried to answer her. You talked to her about topics that were “overwhelmingly serious for a child”, including the suicide she mentioned repeatedly. Your mother gave you “almost no space” to yourself-
– All this was exhausting!
On August 25, 2020, you shared that your home is “an unstable living environment, where everyone gets angry easily and are just getting pissed off at things one minute or another”, that when you stay home for long, you begin “to get pissed off at things too”, and life at home makes you want to escape your mind. You wrote at the time: “I am not this kind of person when I am outside, away from home and my family”. More about how it feels being at home with your family: “I have never felt safe in this place. My mind sinks into a really bad place when I’m here.. I am unable to get things done, since I can’t focus.. my mind is just not co-operating with me”.
More about the relationships between family members: “We are all by ourselves in terms of emotional support… I feel really unprotected and insecure. Everything I do feels like walking on a tightrope with no safety net underneath.. I know if I do well, I survive, but if I don’t, no one has my back.. I do not have a home where I can feel at ease- a place or a company that reassures my presence. I feel really unprotected and afraid. I feel really isolated in this house”-
– All this is very, very exhausting: living in an unstable environment where people often get angry is exhausting, being anxious with no emotional support means that there is no one to calm the anxiety, and anxious day after day is exhausting!
April 30, 2021: “Everything is so tiring. Little activities drain me out…I am anxious… I just worry and feel tired by the idea of having to do anything.. exhausted of just the thought of doing it.. I need more time, more energy. I need someone to tell me that I don’t have to do anything and just lie down and breathe… I feel tired. I’m not energetic, I run out of energy so soon… I don’t feel thrilled thinking about my future like others do, I just feel scared. Immensely scared… my brain convinces me that I’ll end up in a bad place, a really bad place, no matter how hard I try”-
– Everything has been tiring for a long, long time, not only now as you face graduating high school, but long ago.. your whole childhood was tiring. Notice the last sentence I quoted: “my brain convinces me that I’ll end up in a bad place, a really bad place, no matter how hard I try”- this was your experience so far in life: you did end up in a bad place every day, that bad place being your home. You tried hard to be a good student at school and often succeeded, but you still ended up back home, which was a really bad place.
In August last year, you wrote: “My mind sinks into a really bad place when I’m here”, here being at home. Regarding your life at home: “everything just makes me want to escape my mind”-
Your physical home, “a bad place, a really bad place”, has become your mental home, and your mind sinks into that mental home (“sinks into a really bad place”). You repeatedly wanted to escape your physical home and your mental home (“want to escape my mind”).
When you move out of your physical home for the first time, you will not automatically move out of your mental home. Moving out of your mental home will take more time than moving out of your physical home. It will take a long process of healing, with help and emotional support by others. But sooner than you can imagine at this time, you will find yourself living in a much better place, a good place, physically and mentally.
May 6, 2021 at 12:16 am #379257JavairiaParticipant
- This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by anita.
Thank you for always listening and replying. I appreciate your response
I don’t have a lot to say or to add on to this thread. Still your insight was comforting to read through- I felt heard, like always. I hope you’re well and healthy
JavairiaMay 6, 2021 at 12:31 pm #379280anitaParticipant
You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation, kindness and good wishes for me. I hope you keep yourself safe best you can and post again whenever you feel like sharing anything that may come up for you.