Feeling very depressed and down as usual…only with deflation and numbness…the kind that casts a cautionary dark aura around you. Numbness. Hopelessness. Motionless.

Spent another day in bottomless tears. Stupid emotions. Stupid feelings. Stupid hormones. Pathetic me.

Fm allegedly coming home on Monday, and like always, I’m glad for her that she’s returning home…..and I’m glad that she’s doing well..it’s just that I think I enjoy the break, the silence, and perhaps getting a glimpse of an aspect of life that I’ve never experienced…and that is living alone.

I enjoy the glimpse. I have no idea as to how I’d feel completely living alone daily…not just a “mini” vacation.

The broader view…I can’t fathom living an already lost life without her.

Also, it is also because I get nervous and my anxieties flare up more. Being on pins and needles …anticipating the next health scare, moments of helplessness and confusion on both our parts…not knowing what to do, hoping that my response and reaction time is immediate…. wrestling between conflicting feelings regarding respecting her wishes not to go to the hospital, wanting her to go, and wanting her to go to appease her family and not get in trouble legally because I respected her wishes.

If it were up to me, I’d respect her wishes and decisions for her own life. She’s lived a long time, her quality of life isn’t something she finds favoritable as it’s greatly diminished, all immediate family gone, sole survivor, she’s often depressed, she’s tired and exhausted from living…especially how she has to now.

Even though she agreed not to have a dnr order in place, and agreed to be resuscitated and intubated. That she didn’t want to have surgery..she only made those decisions on behalf of her family. She doesn’t want them to get upset, angry, and coerce and influence her true decision. It’s just easier for her to agree.

She’s told me a few months ago, that she didn’t want to undergo an operation at her age, and to basically “let her go”.. that she has lived enough…She even basically told me this on the day of her current admission. ..

It’s all for them.

Today was also depressing because they included me in a group chat yesterday to discuss the status of fm..and today they’ve must have forgotten to exit the group chat, because they’re discussing me amongst themselves…

I can see everything that they say about me. It’s hurtful.

I wish that I wasn’t me…sometimes..
I also wish that it was my time to pass…a lot