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Obsession, idealization, or what is the reason behind all of this?

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  • #354950
    Jessi
    Participant

    Hello Everybody , so I have been working with my boyfriend on and off, helping him out in some of his work projects and he pays me, so he gave me his work laptop, not personal and I was working from there, so I remember I needed to search for a word meaning on google so I opened up mozilla and went to the google bar and when I began typing, his search history shows up and I can see that he typed the name of this woman he went out a couple of times with( nothing serious that is) they were just getting to know each other, but there was never a relationship between them.

    They happened to have met on August 2016 and they added each other on Facebook ) he talked to me about her a couple of times of how beautiful, supermodel looking she was and that she had this great management job in a luxury building residential in the beach ( this is were they actually met my bf was one of the engineers working on the building maintenance at that time and she was like the project manager) so I started feeling a little insecure and jealous because he talked so highly about her, physically speaking that is yet he told me she was a diva and was always flirting with everybody and other negative aspects about her.

    The times that he has mentioned this woman to me, he would always start with:” this girl is very <b>pretty, she actually looks like a model, that all the women that lived in the building told her what an amazing coke bottle body she had, that all these rich man driving expensive cars w</b>here after her, sending her flowers, messages and so on and then he would start saying all her negative traits and why he did not like her anymore and that she was empty, was too much of a diva and that he did see her true colors.

    He told me that he was very glad that god took her out of his way, nevertheless he still has her in facebook and for some reason he always mentions the building were she worked in, or thinks that some random person lives there, so he always ends up mentioning it. He does not know in any way shape or form that I am aware that he has her in facebook and that I know her name as well.

    I found out they slep together but they never had SEX, he told me he couldn’t go further because they had promised each other that they would wait a little longer plus this girl had been dumped by her boyfriend and he happened to have married with his ex girlfriend, so she was very vulnerable and sad at that moment , so this day they went out, drinked some wine, danced, and bam she ended up in paties and bra, and him in his boxers, just kissing in his bed ( all these details where said by him, he told me explicitly, which is disrespectful) so they fell asleep and no SEX, how in the world you end up in minor clothes ( intimates that is) and supposedly you have the hottest girl everything and you had no SEX, smells fishy , cause it’s more than a obvious, kissing in bed, only in intimate wear, that means they were about to have sex, I feel something else happened that night that he could not FUNCTION!!!

    And now I found out he has searched for her on google on several occasions ( about some months ago and now recently) ,why would this be? Is he still intrigued by this girl after 2 years or he is somewhat still curious, aggravated about her and the fact that nothing happened between them.

    Should I ask him about this? What can I do to understand the reason why he is searching for her. It does not even make sense because he has her facebook. I have a close friend that knows her ex bf and knows her as well and according to my friend she works on another even more luxurious building now.

    Why so much obsession with the building, this woman, at least this is what I feel here. this seems like if he was deeply impacted by all of this in that particular moment in his life and for some reason he can’t get over it. They way he talked about this woman sounds like if he has never seen nothing better, which is ridiculous, she is pretty, but not wow at all. Why does he sees her so greatly, what are the reasons? I don’t get this at all, especially when they were not even boyfriend and girlfriend!!.

    #354954
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jessi:

    You wrote about your boyfriend and this woman Jan 9, more than four months ago: “he talked to me about her a couple of times of how beautiful, supermodel looking she was.. he has searched her on google..”. Four months later you added that he told you that they slept together in their underwear but didn’t have sex.

    Your new thread is has the word obsession in it, and it is your obsession no less than it is his obsession.

    It seems to me that he highly values supermodel looking women, and therefore he highly values her. It makes him feel valuable for having had her attention (that night when he ended sleeping with her). If you don’t look like a supermodel, I am guessing that he values you less.

    I am not saying that he doesn’t value your various attributes; what I am saying is that he highly values a woman for her supermodel looks and it makes him feel valuable to be near her in one way or another.

    anita

    #354960
    Jessi
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: right;”>@anita, Yeah I feel he has her in a pedestal, and even though he says he does not care about her anymore I have a very deep rooted feeling that he does, The reason why she impacted him do much is what I don’t understand.</p>
     
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>Either he plays with my head, because he likes me to feel insecure and with a low self esteem, cause he actually has a low self esteem, so it makes him feel more interesting or valuable ?</p>

    #354972
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jessi:

    “he actually has a low self esteem”- this is what I thought to myself while I typed the previous post to you. I didn’t express it to you, but I thought it. I don’t think that he “cares about her” as much as that he values her supermodel looks as something that makes him feels more valuable for interacting with her. It is similar to men looking for what is termed a “trophy wife”, it makes them feel more valuable being seen with her.

    As a man with a lower self esteem he needs something or someone (interactions with someone, in this case) that makes him feel better about himself.

    He may think that you will think highly of him knowing that a supermodel looking woman slept with him, and that could be why he told you that (is it a true story, I don’t know).

    anita

    #354978
    Jessi
    Participant

    @anita, Exactly, a good friend of mines told me that she did not see this girl as beautiful as he sees her, that she is pretty and attractive but nothing especial or extraordinary as he sees in her. She also told me that she believes he makes a story up and poofs it as to his idealization to her, in less words he makes up parts of this story as to his fantasies wishes.

    She said he “wants you to feel less of yourself and think highly of her and HIM, so he gets some sort of ego strokes and seems more interesting and appealing to you.

    He blowed that story out of proportion  or the actual reality to his convenience, she told me its called triangulation or gaslighting.

    And she also said that she feels he us not telling me all the truth about them or what really happened, she says there has to be something more to this story…

    Plus why wound he give me such intimate details about how sexy or beautiful her nody looked in panties and bra. He was like:” no joke this girl is precious and she has an amazing body, I can tell she worked out a lot in the gym”

    The funny thing is that he has seen me wirked super hard in the gym, lifting heavyweights, and seeing how people comment on how great my personality is, how much they want me in my job,what an amazing body I have,

     

    So you be the judge anita! Lol

     

    #354992
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jessi:

    It is at the least insensitive of him to go on and on about this woman, and at the most it is cruel. Is he insensitive or cruel to you in other ways???

    anita

    #355040
    Jessi
    Participant

    @anita, Well to be honest, from a couple of months back since last year,, everytime I put a movie or a tv show and he recognizes an actress or even if he does not recognizes her he always always say;”oh she is this actress, yeah she is very beautiful or sexy or whatever.

    <b>And these comments, have been there since a few months back, maybe insecurity again!! Or low self esteem!. Cause I am 17 years younger than him.</b>

    Trust me @anita this us ALWAYS!!!!!

    #355044
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jessi:

    I think your friend has a point, saying that “he ‘wants you to feel less of yourself”, so that you don’t see him as the less of a man that he feels he is. It is sad. What are you going to do on the matter?

    anita

     

    #363164
    Jessi
    Participant

    @anita, Hi there anita I have an update,

    NEW UPDATE!!! Hi anita and everybody else so my boyfriend and I had already talked about this after I posted here and took in consideration all of your opinions and we sorted things out, he apologized says he loves me and it was “ never with the intention of anything “ he said he felt comfortable speaking with me about it and so on, so I decided to give him a chance and start from there but recently I found out some things I didn’t know of which I don’t know what to think of.

    And just a disclaimer I wasn’t snooping, I was working on a hard drive he gave me to save some pictures from his work and it appeared literally in my face, I believe he had forgotten or thought they were not there.

    For those of you who never read my PAST thread il give a brief explanation below.

    Around August 2016 my now boyfriend as an engineer that he is, started working on a luxurious residential building on the beach where he met this girl that caught his eye big time, he has talked to me about this girl a couple of times now ( last time was February 2020).

    So when he spoke about her to me, he always said how beautiful, model looking this girl is, that she had all these rich men sending her flowers etc, and that all the men that lived in that building were after her. He even said she had a COKE BOTTLE BODY ( which is a lie, cause I have seen her already, it’s IDEALIZED and all in his head.

    Why in the world would he even exaggerate this woman’s attributes when I know he is in fact exaggerating them, it makes him seem more obsessed, the girl is attractive and pretty but nothing as he describes her.

    They began to date in around Jan-Feb 2017 , they never ended up having a real relationship but I feel that he IDEALIZED way to much and was deeply falling for her. ( she had gone through a break up with her past boyfriend due to the fact that he cheated on her.

    So most recently I discovered he has an album of her and this other girl he dated after her on his mobile gallery, and even worse he has 3 folders of backups, of this building that he worked in and met her, including a backup of her pictures and snapshots of all their whatsapp conversations , all stored in a hardrive. WHY IN THE WORLD KEEP 3 FOLDERS BACKUPS OF SCREENSHOTS FROm ALL THEIR CONVERSATIONS AND PICTURES?

    It seems this man was really into this girl or at least obsessed about her, cause from the way he talked to me about her and all this collection of her photos ( including sexy pictures), conversations and some pictures of them, plus it was obvious that they talked to each other/ dated longer that what he had told me. ( ps nobody obsesses so quickly about someone they don’t even know.

    Another thing I find very STRANGE is that he ALSO took the girl he went out with after this girl to the building she works in, HE ALSO TOOK ME.

    Another thing I want to ask, and need you to be real honest is , why hasn’t he ever compared me physically to her or at least ( knowing that I am good looking, great body) at least say to me but your way more better looking than her babe,, you know like some real honest reassurance cause I am his girlfriend now, that’s just the PAST!!

    #363174
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jessi:

    The good news is that last time he talked to you about her was February this year. The bad news is that he still has all those photos of her, and records of their conversations, with backups.

    Like the title of your thread indicates: “Obsession, idealization.. is the reason behind all of this”- you knew it all along. I have no idea why he idealizes her (exaggerating her physical attributes to her favor), and does not express enough appreciation of your attractive physical attributes.

    Maybe, just maybe, she reminds him of .. his mother, or an older sister, when he was a young child. Young children do idealize the women in their lives. Did you see photos of his mother/ older sister.. an aunt when they were younger? (disclaimer: this is a wild guessing on  my part, I have nothing to back it up, just wondering).

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 4 weeks ago by anita.
    #363203
    Jessi
    Participant

    @anita, eek I don’t think so anita lol, I just think by everything that I saw all those conversations he was madly falling over this woman, he would just go gaga every new day, he woukd be wow you look amazing in your outfit today.

     

    she wore different cute outfits everyday to go the this luxurious building office, he was literally begging this woman to be with him, that she was his queen, and she was the only eoman he wanted to be with, marry and have children with 😱, and they were not even in a relationship yet and he was telling her all these stuff.

     

    He even told her :” I love you” and they weren’t ever together, just went out a couple of times, chat a lot on the mobile and saw each other everyday on this building due to work.( by the way the second month of him and I dating he said the same thing : “ I love you” I told him that could not be possible it was to soon, he said he meant it, I still couldn’t believe him ( a lot young men do this to get in women’s pants, mind you my boyfriend is 49.

    I wonder if he has some mental, emotional, girlfriend problems?

    Plus taking other girls he dated including ME! to the top of this same building were him and this wonder woman met just says a lot, what where his intentions? Make her jealous, for me or the other girls he dated to SEE this woman? What really.

     

    #363216
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jessi:

    You titled your thread “Obsession, idealization”, and in your most recent post, you asked regarding your boyfriend who is obsessed with one particular woman: “I wonder if he has some mental, emotional, girlfriend problems?”

    www. medicalnewstoday. com/ articles/ obsessive love vs real love, reads: “Health professionals do not widely recognize obsessive love, or ‘obsessive love disorder.’ as a mental health condition. Indeed, it is not currently listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. However, obsessive love can be a sign of other mental health challenges and conditions…

    “Love is a potent force. People with feelings of love experience a rush of dopamine and other powerful brain  chemicals. For some people, these feelings are so powerful that they become obsessed with keeping and controlling the person they love.. One hallmark of  obsessive love is its focus on the partner as an object for ‘consumption’ or ownership, as opposed to an equal… they show little interest in the other’s well-being… Real love involves accepting the  other person and acknowledging their flaws. Obsessive love may involve worship and a refusal to acknowledge any flaws.. Obsessive love sometimes involves a relationship that does not actually exist, such as with a celebrity or a stranger…

    “In general, some signs that love is obsessive include:

    – an intense preoccupation with the relationship that is disproportionate to  its length

    – immediate falling ‘in love’ with new partners, or even with strangers..”-

    – this all reads true to your boyfriend?

    anita

    #363347
    Jessi
    Participant

    @anita, Exactly it must be something weird in his head, because he has talked to me about this woman like 10 + times in different occasions, first time he even said she was a model and executive in her job, etc, and since I am very curious I found out she’s not. He has to have some sort of personal problem to why he does this, cause I would never say even my ex bf was super handsome, I would never say he was a model or anything that  ridiculous.

    It gets to me that he over exaggerates her attributes and I feel the reason is 1-) because as I said he idealized her to the end and 2-) to make me feel insecure, plus he is insecure and of course 3-) <b> To make himself look more valuable and interesting 🤔 </b>

    Another thing is that maybe because he got married to an older woman when he was 30 and this woman looked like his mom ( when he got divorced he began to see the real light, and meeting more younger prettier girls, including this one and he went crazy cause he began to live his life again and do the things that he couldn’t before.

     

     

    #363350
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jessi:

    A summary of what you shared in your various posts since May this year: you, at 32,  are in a relationship with a man, 49, an engineer. When he was 30, he “got married to an older woman.. this woman looked like his mom”. They got divorced and he met “younger prettier girls”, including a woman (let’s call her W) in August 2016, when he was about 45. Some time later, he met you, a woman who is 17 years younger than him. Currently, you are in your early thirties and he is almost 50.

    You are “good looking, great body”, working “super hard in the gym, lifting heavyweights”, and your boyfriend is aware that “people comment on how great my personality is, how much they want me.. what an amazing body I have”.

    Some time ago  you found out that he made a google search on W,  and you asked him about this woman. On about 10 occasions since then (last being February of this year), he told you that W is a “Beautiful, supermodel looking.. a diva and was always flirting with everybody.. all these rich men driving expensive cars.. after her”. He met her in a “luxury building residential in the beach”, where she had “this great management job.. like the project manager”, and he worked there on the building maintenance as an engineer. They added each other on Facebook.

    He told you that at the beginning of 2017, they “went out, drank some wine, danced and bam, she ended up in panties and bra, and him in his boxers, just kissing in bed.. so they fell asleep and no sex.. he couldn’t go further because they had promised each other that they would wait a little longer” because she was still hurt from a breakup of a previous relationship. He gave you “intimate details about how sexy or beautiful her body looked like in panties and bra ..’she has an amazing body, I can tell she worked out a lot in the gym”. He also told you that he literally begged her to be with him, tha “she was his queen.. the only woman he wanted to be with, marry and have children with”.

    You discovered recently that he has an album of her on his mobile gallery, and three folders of backups of pictures of her, including sexy pictures, and snapshots of all their WhatsApp conversations stored in a hard drive. You also found out at one point, that he took a woman he dated after he met W to the luxurious building where he met W, and you realize now, that he took you there as well, before you knew about W.

    My input today: what I realize today after re-reading your posts is that you are much younger than him, you are close to 30, he is close to 50- that’s a two decade difference.

    It seems to me that his behavior can be explained by the following:

    1. He feels insecure about being with you,  a much younger and good looking woman who gets the attention of younger/ more successful men. He doesn’t want to lose you to those men, so he talked highly of W, exaggerating her physical and professional attributes and success, so that you will feel less confident about yourself, physically and professionally. He exaggerates her physical attractiveness so that you will feel less physically attractive. He exaggerates her professional success so that you will feel less successful than her, and he exaggerates her success with men (rich men chasing her, bringing her flowers), so that you will feel less confident about your success with men. He wants you insecure so that you will not replace him with a younger, better looking, and/ or more successful man.

    2. He really was (and may be, still) infatuated with W, the evidence being that he has her pictures and conversations in his hard drive with three backup folders, and that he took a previous date and you to that building where he met her.

    3. He is immature/ impulsive, sharing with you about W having been his queen, and so forth, not realizing it is cruel to do so.

    4. Clearly, to me, he told you part truths part untruths about W and his relationship with her. If you hired a competent private investigator, you could find out the whole truth, and that could be fascinating. It just occurred to me that if you approached W yourself, maybe she will share with you her side of the story.

    * There is possibility, however remote, that he is devious: that he planned it so that you will find his collection of W’s photos and conversations so to lower your confidence (see #1, above) and that he lied to you (intentionally exaggerating her attributes and his infatuation for her) for the same purpose. But I don’t think this is probable.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.
    #363398
    Jessi
    Participant

    @anita, Exactly some weird situation.

     

    I just feel weird because my curiosity beat me and I began reading all his history of conversations with her and boy oh boy this man was head over heals literally begging her to be with him and that she was his mylady, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, he loved everything about her, would do anything for her.

     

     

    He would even ask her for selfies everyday she arrived at the building with a cute outfit he would go crazy for her to send him pictures.

     

    he even said she was as beautiful as Marilyn monroe, and that she had wore an outfit ine day just like her ( mind you she doesn’t look anything like Marilyn ) he said he would have loved to take pictures and videos of her when she had a Marilyn Monroe moment.

     

    He bought her flowers and chocolates and told her that he couldn’t stop thinking about her and she had a magnetism and he would get real anxious to see her in the building office each morning .😱😱

     

    I  knew he was really fixated on her but not this level holly molly, this is crazy, thank god I had my suspicions and they did not fail. ( ghis guy saw this woman as if she was the last drink in the dessert, so weird, especially with so many beautiful women out there.

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