Dear Jessi:

Limerence is a term coined in 1979 by a Dr. Dorothy Tennov, a psychologist who researched romantic love and wrote the book Love and Limerence- the Experience of Being in Love.

Wikipedia has a long entry on Limerence. Here are quotes from the entry:  “Limerence is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies.. Limerence can also be defined as an involuntary state of intense romantic desire.. an involuntary potentially inspiring state of adoration and attachment to a limerent object (LO) involving intrusive and obsessive thoughts, feelings and behaviors from euphoria to despair, contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation… a near obsessive form of romantic love… attractive characteristics are exaggerated and unattractive characteristics are given little or no attention.. creating a ‘limerent object’.

“‘a kind of infatuated, all absorbing passion’ which is unrequited… It is this unfulfilled, intense longing for the other person which defines limerence, where the individual becomes ‘more or less obsessed by that person and spends much of their time fantasizing about them’… Limerence may only last if conditions for the attraction leave it unfulfilled.. it is the unobtainable nature of the goal which makes the feeling so powerful.. it is not uncommon for those to remain in a state of limerence over someone unreachable for months and even years.

“Limerence can be experienced as intense joy or as extreme despair, depending on whether the feelings are reciprocated… limerence deeply desires reciprocation, but it remains unaltered whether or not it is returned… early, unhealthy attachment patterns or trauma influence limerence.”

I didn’t read the whole entry and I didn’t read the book, but regarding the last part I quoted, what I figure it means that behind limerence is an early life trauma, in childhood, where the child was separated from the object of his attachment, usually a parent, in some way that was traumatic for the child. The child grew up craving the absent parent (physically absent or very unavailable), and that craving awakens in adulthood in the context of limerence.

anita

Dear Jessi:

You asked me: “does limerence makes you exaggerate attributes or qualities?”- if you look at the post I submitted to you yesterday, it included the quote from Wikipedia about limerence: “attractive characteristics are exaggerated“.

Elsewhere I read about limerence (LO stands for Limerent Object, in your case it is the woman your boyfriend is obsessed with), that a major characteristic of limerence is “a powerful perception that the LO is nearly flawless (good qualities are magnified; bad qualities strongly minimized)”- so yes, exaggerating the LO’s positive attributes or qualities is a necessary part of limerence. If a person does not exaggerate the other’s positive qualities- then it’s not limerence.

Other characteristics of limerence are: obsessively thinking about the LO to the point of ignoring things that need attention/ everyday productivity suffers, feelings of euphoria or ecstasy when he imagines that she is reciprocating his emotions, and sexual desire for her.

Every time the LO responds to him, she is feeding his limerence.

And I read, that if a person gets together with the LO, living together, the limerence fades, the person sees the (no longer) LO’s faults, becomes very distressed about it and blames her for the ending of the relationship that he wrongly believed would be the best thing ever, ecstasy or euphoria forever-after.

I’ve been active here for over five years and came across lots of women who placed men on pedestals, seeing them as perfect, and I came across men who did the same- it is very common. But never did I read such an extreme description of placing a person on a pedestal such as what you described. Your extreme description brought me to the term limerence, a term I didn’t think about earlier. Your boyfriend puts his LO on such a pedestal that he sees her as curvy when she is actually thin; he sees as Marilyn Monroe look-alike when (you say) there is no resemblance, etc.

Limerence is not a psychiatric term, but I have no doubt it could  be, reads like a mental illness to me.

I have a question for you, Jessi: how do you manage this, how do you maintain an intimate relationship with your boyfriend knowing he is .. well, “definitely not normal”???

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by .

Dear Jessi:

I think that you should bring this up to him, tell him that you are bamboozled (if you are.. I am!) by his worshipping of this woman, by him choosing her as God, or goddess, to be exact. Tell him that you are confused and upset that you are his girlfriend, yet he worship another woman! Tell him that it doesn’t feel good to know your boyfriend thinks another woman is all that… and not you!?! And let me know how he responds.

I don’t know why you are with him, you didn’t describe anything wonderful about your connection with him, nothing about closeness.. maybe there is but you didn’t share anything about it here, only about .. his limerence (unofficial) mental disorder.

anita

Dear Quant

I note you describe this lady as kind, easy going but also  a liar & flirty diva. You are also  spoke of the emotions of jealousy & hate  aroused  around her “gifts” & lack of gratitude of them.  Do you envy lots of people & their situations or just her?

One set of advice is to look back and see if you have been obsessive about anything else in your life ie a favorite toy or book and now years later that particular object no longer holds your attention and so this too will pass especially if you turn your attention to doing something worthwhile like volunteering.

Another advice to help bring her down off the pedestal that you have put her on  is the phrase” just like me …… she experiences tiredness. sadness. hunger, loneliness & will experience sickness old age & death.