Dear Meg:

“I never had a father and was abused growing up in all the ways“- I am sorry that you were abused growing up, and in all the ways that you were abused. I wish that growing up was a different, way better experience for you.

“He had many different examples in his life of healthy relationships; I do not“- from what you shared about him, if he had an example of a healthy relationship, the example didn’t make much of an impression on him.

“I found out when he (son) was 6 months that my body had gone into full blown menopause. Then my husband’s dad fell ill and passed. Then my son was diagnosed with autism and I had changed careers to go back to teaching… When Covid hit it made everything worse because we were stuck in the house together. It got so bad I checked myself into a hospital…When I got out I asked him to leave and he did. Then he got sick and almost died“- a rollercoaster of distressing events with no emotional support for you.

“Fast forward to this past Thanksgiving…  I opened his Facebook and looked at his messages. He had not only been talking to her for years, he was bad mouthing me, telling her all about my female health issues, telling her he didn’t love me, etc… He has been saying less negative things about me to his friends and family, but I cannot stop thinking about everything I read or was told… I want to believe he wants to work on this but his actions say he doesn’t. I want to leave, but we are financially stuck for at least a year. He says he only says things because I make him mad…  I am wondering if anyone has tips on how to stop myself from constantly living in the memories of what I’ve read and heard said about me. And how do I reconcile the fact that he says one thing to me but is still saying the opposite to his family and friends?“- you can’t unhear what you heard, unread what you read. To be hurt less by all that you read and heard/ to stop obsessing about it, it’ll help if you completely accept that he, your SO,  is not a decent person. A decent person wouldn’t repeatedly gossip about people, especially not about the female  health issues of the mother of his son, information that should be private!

To completely accept that he is not a decent person is to no longer hope that he will change and become decent. Hope is a bad thing when it keeps us anxiously waiting for something good to happen, something that doesn’t happen day after day, year after year.

Sometimes we wait for so long, we forget what it is we’re waiting for.

Accepting vs waiting for a positive change may lessen your anxiety and prevent future disappointments because you’d be prepared for him being more of who he is (future gossips, future irresponsibility, etc.)

* Maybe he will change one day, but it didn’t happen yet, it doesn’t seem like it’s happening, and it may never happen.

What do you think of my reply so far, do you think it make sense?

anita

Dear Meg:

You are very welcome! I am running out of time and will reply further either tonight or Wed morning (it’s Tues afternoon here). but for now, The Serenity Prayer may help you, not in a religious sense but for the principle it’s about:

Wow, that is a lot of tragedy for one person to go thru. I am sorry for such sorrow. What can one do to forget and not have to bring up memories of bad stuff? If you find out then let me know. I have a memory of a day with my high school girlfriend. It went terrible and she broke up with me. I go back to that day in my mind and go thru what I should have done. What I could have done. Anything to make me not feel this way. And this memory pops up everyday.  Oh, I found her thru the internet and called her up. We talked but I am still haunted by my memory of that day. She since has passed away from lung Cancer.

I know this sounds easy, forgive. Forgive them and forgive yourself. This will lighten the load on your heart. I have spent much time sitting in meditation. The time spent just sitting and watching my breath has helped me. Helped me to understand myself. It has let me know that I can choose to identify with my thoughts or not to be swept away by my thoughts. It allows me to let go of the memory of that day. I do not have to relive it over and over again. Regret? Sure, why not. Something I did or did not do?? Doesn’t matter anymore. Love? Just a feeling?

I try to practice being here and now. Watch people’s actions and their intentions. It isn’t what they say that matters. It is what they do (their actions) and their intentions when they do it. If you found out your SO or whatever is bad mouthing you, then did you ask why they do that? Ask why they feel the need to hurt you? Make them understand that they are hurting a person. Not just an insignificant person. But, someone they are suppose to care for?

Yeah, listen to Anita. She has been here helping people for almost forever. She is good. “god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Hi Meg

No doubt these things are difficult. You haven’t really had closure. It must be incredibly hard living with someone who you are co-parenting with and the relationship is failing. I can only imagine how painful it is and whatever I might imagine is only a fraction of it.

Your idea of couples counselling is a good one. It is not just for fixing relationships, it is also there to help things come to an end in a peaceful way.

Worrying for 10 minutes every day could involve writing your thoughts and feelings down.

I would suggest also trying to define what responsibilities you have to each other, living together and to your son. Some things are more expected of partners, than a co-parent.

Do you have a support network at all?

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏