March 1, 2018 at 11:40 am #195485
Hi! I found this forum because I was looking for help with obssesive fear of losing someone (I don’t mind dying but rather… abandoning? My english is not super good).I’m girl. I’m 20, I’ve never had a boyfriend, my parents are divorced since I was 5 and I know from my therapist that this is the cause of my main problem – that I don’t get love from my parents so I feel empty and like everybody takes something from me. But… I know many things but I can’t stop feel good and control my thoughts.
I have a friend I’ve started to like very fast (what is unlike me) and she is also surprised how fast she started to like me. Just like we’ve known each others by years. From the beginning it was internet friendship. We’ve been through sooo many things, there is really deep connection between us. We’ve met in real life once and it was cool, etc. Let’s call her J. I had plans with my other friends to go to Asia so I included my new friend to this. There was another friend called M, and I think I’m really jealous because of her personality. Because she has magnetic character, people automaticly like her, etc. So do my new friend J. The whole trip I was feeling like shit, because I felt envious because these two got along too well. Suddenly It was more clear that these two do everything together, etc. Walk together, sit together in buses, etc. I felt abandoned and I looked like this, and they knew it. When we all came back to our country I just saw how M was talking with J online what made me automaticly pissed of (I can’t control it, It’s like burning in my chest). I was talking a lot with J and I feel like I was wearying her (well, I do wearied her). She said she changed her thoughts about me, about M, after the trip, etc. but after a long time with repearing this relationship (because I wanted it so much), and after a lot of things I won’t tell you because it’s too much to say, It’s finally good! Yes, I can truly say it’s finally good between us and I see it and I feel it and she says so (that I’m important for her). But she still talks with M online and I know it (because I have group conversation with M and she shows there screens where I see her talking with J, nvm) and… I feel like I’m too obssesive about it. I’m still checking if both of them are online to think they are AGAIN TALKING, when one of them send me screen I look closely if there is one of them. I start to hate M and think she takes away from me everybody and…I know it’s irrationable but my fear of losing J is too high. And all of this is just because I see them chat as often as I chat with J. I have thoughts I’m one and the best friend of J, I have great connection with J and nobody else can, I wan’t to be the one. I KNOW THIS IS SICK. I know I don’t “have” her and she can have as many friends as she wants. And I want to get rid of my bad thoughts and fear so bad… But now I know that these both are meeting in real life for 2 weeks and it made me even more anxious – “what if they got to be best friends?”, “what if J abandon me?”, “I don’t wanna lose her”. I feel like crazy. What should I do? How to calm myself, stop hating M because she’s talking with J (as I said I’m jealous of M’s personality, and she “takes” from me every person I like). I know, I should love myself, but this isn’t something easy to do in short time. What should I do… I just feel hopeless. I don’t want to be angry, anxious, jealous, depressed all the time because of this. And I know that this is only my problem. If not J so another new friend. How to stop losing people because of all od the things in me…Please help me…March 1, 2018 at 12:06 pm #195495
I would like to read your post attentively and answer it tomorrow morning, in about sixteen hours. I hope other members will reply to you kindly before I return. Feel free to add more to your thread if you would like.
Take care of yourself.
anitaMarch 2, 2018 at 3:05 am #195587
First, I will summarize your post: You are a very young woman, 20 years old. Your parents divorced when you were 5. You feel unloved by your parents, feeling “empty and like everybody takes something from me”.
You did not have a boyfriend yet and you don’t like people easily or quickly. You liked this girl, J, quickly and she liked you too. The two of you met online, then in person and later travelled to Asia with J and with other friends, including M. You think that M has a magnetic personality and that people automatically like M. J and M got along so well during the trip and you felt jealous, abandoned. When you all returned to your country J and M continued communicating online. You felt angry, “like burning in my chest”.
M and J noticed your jealousy and later J told you that she changed her thoughts about you and that you wore her down. You wanted the friendship with J so much that you tried hard to repair it and succeeded. She told you that you are important to her.
But J is still talking to M online and you are “too obsessive about it”. You started to hate M and think “she takes away from me everybody”. You wrote: “my fear of losing J is too high… I have great connection with J and nobody else can. I want to be the one.” Then you found out that M and J will be meeting in person for two weeks and that makes you more anxious. You worry that the two of them will be best friends and that J will abandon you.
You asked how do you calm yourself, how do you stop hating M. You wrote: “I don’t want to be angry, anxious, jealous, depressed all the time because of this”.
Second, my understanding: you felt unloved by your parents, you wrote. You wanted them so desperately to pay attention to you, to see you, to notice you, to talk to you, to be important to them. But it wasn’t so. A great need was born then- to be important to someone. But the need was so great, that it was not only to be important to someone, but to be their One-and-Only, their number one. If you are their number one, then she (or he) will surely pay attention to you and finally you will get the attention you craved for so long.
You learned that this obsession, to be the one and only hurt your friendship with J. You repaired the friendship and do not want to damage it again. But you feel the same anxiety and anger as before, even more.
What can you do? – go back to the past, in your mind (in quality psychotherapy) and look at what happened there, how you were neglected then, how you felt then, how that craving was born. When you see the reality of then, and your feelings then, you will be able, over time, to separate the present from the past. Your jealousy, your anger, your anxiety will lessen and lessen.
In other words, as a child, you were injured, emotionally, over many years, not getting the attention you needed. That need for attention became very strong, a craving. To lessen the craving, got to heal that injury, that injury of neglect.
You are welcome to share here more about your thoughts and feelings, about my reply and about anything else.