On and Off Relationship Ended

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This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 9 months ago by eitherway.

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January 12, 2016 at 3:37 am #92199

Jen
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Hi everyone. I don’t even know where to begin. My boyfriend and I argued over 10 days ago and since then—he won’t speak to me. We’ve dated on and off for over 10 years. I should just let go, but I don’t get how someone who loves you just stops speaking to you. I always want to confront problems head on. I know I should be strong because I don’t deserve to be ignored and he’s done other bad things in the past such as cheating, lying, and just other mental/emotional abuse. I always take him back though. How do I let go for good? I’m 31, no children, and highly educated, so I know that I could find someone else, but right now my logic is skewed. I’m just feeling hopeless as if no one else will ever want me. It’s been a rough few days. I’m just kind of feeling like I’m going to be alone forever. How do you get over someone who you’ve loved so long?

January 12, 2016 at 9:09 am #92217

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jen:

As I read your post, I got curious. You wrote that you “always want to confront problems head on” and yet, for ten years, there were problems again and again. You mentioned some of these problems: him cheating, lying, abusing you emotionally and you mentioned (what I see as a problem): you taking him back again and again with no effective resolution of his problematic behaviors.

I am curious about what kinds of problems you are referring to when you wrote you confront such head on… and are you aware of problems, of a different kind maybe, that you do not confront.. and that need to be confronted?

anita

January 12, 2016 at 12:34 pm #92253

Jennifer
Participant

Dear Jen,

It’s Jennifer here (I guess we have the same names!). I too went through a bad break-up when I was 30….now I am 33 and in a new relationship….

It is difficult in the beginning…but know that there is a future ahead. I would focus on yourself…loving & nourishing yourself. Do things that you enjoy doing…find out who you truly are. Once you have found your true self, your natural personality will shine through & eventually you will attract the right person.

Like Anita said, perhaps it’s a good idea to figure out what went wrong in the relationship so that you don’t let it happen again. Did you perhaps let things slide without voicing your opinion & you got hurt? No one deserves to be abused emotionally. Perhaps a good practice is to voice how you feel. If you don’t like something, you have a right to say something…because it can cause more suffering than good.

You are young…love comes when it’s most unexpected…take a break for yourself and find your true happiness in everyday life. You don’t have to suddenly “forget him”…just take it one day at a time…also this forum is full of people who are willing to support, so don’t feel alone! We are in this world together!

Take good care!!
Jennifer

January 12, 2016 at 5:18 pm #92268
Jen
Participant
Hi Anita,
Thanks for your reply. Throughout our relationship, he’d say he would change. He’d always swear he would do better about communicating and other things. I always believed him. Now, throughout that 10/11 years, there were breaks and times we didn’t speak because he’d just stop talking to me. I won’t lie. I held on and put up with him because of my low self-esteem. I have an autoimmune disorder that has disfigured me and because I am disfigured in my genital area, I thought no one else would ever love me, so I stayed. I voiced my concerns, but I always took him back and when he didn’t change, I suffered in silence.

I loved him, but I put up with emotional abuse because of my condition.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Jen.
January 12, 2016 at 5:21 pm #92270

Jen
Participant

Hi Jennifer,
You know, I’ve told myself that is the plan. I’m going to focus on me. I was actually in the process of applying to law school, so I plan to keep pushing. I won’t let this break-up hold me back. It just feels good to talk to other people that have gone through this. My family isn’t very understanding because they didn’t care for him and it would’ve been a ‘told ya so’ type of conversation.

January 12, 2016 at 6:22 pm #92275

eitherway
Participant

Hey Jen,

You’re in a good place to share your thoughts, and you should treat this as a place to express yourself freely. There are a lot of important voices that come through these forums and posts.

It sounds like your relationship has been a life experience. One that had great significance in shaping who you have become. While I have gone through rough break ups, and am currently experiencing one of the worst, I always find comfort in the idea that there will be someone out there who will make me realize why it didn’t work out with anyone else. It only takes one time for us to be right. Perhaps this relationship has finally run its course, and maybe you’re on your way to meeting a better soul for you to love. You have the power to control your own destiny.

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to take a break from this relationship, and maybe a break from that whole world for awhile. Find the love for yourself again. It’s possible, it will just take time and strength. You both should take the time to be absent from your lives. While the sadness of loss will linger, you will find other things to be hopeful about. It’s all part of being human.

I wish you all the best. Keep your head up.
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