My purpose has been for many years, and increasingly so, to learn: to become aware of what I wasn’t aware of before.

And much of what I wasn’t aware of before was.. me: who or what am I, and how do I interact with others.

I thought I was a terrible person and a mistake, a shameful mistake. I thought everyone can see it and it’s only a matter of time before I’ll be called out on being inferior and deserving of shame and guilt.

A big part of my shame has been these tics, motor and vocal (Tourette’s), making me feel like a freak.

My mother suggested that she was a good mother because she didn’t make fun of my tics. And I appreciate it- it was her way of being a good mother and a good person. Thank you!

On the other hand, or at the same time, she bombarded me with suicidal and homicidal threats that.. well, terrorized me, feeding my tics, feeding my anxiety, leading me to dissociate so much that I didn’t really live a life. I just existed, spaced out, inattentive, anxious a lot. 6 DECADES of that.

So, recently, and much of it done here, on tiny buddha, I am becoming aware of who I am: not inferior, not shameful, not a freak- but human, simply or complicated.. but still, human.

I am becoming less and less shame- based and more and more confident- not because I am perfect or ever will be, but because I am learning.

What if this is what counters shame, just that: learning, becoming more and more AWARE and AWAKE.

If you’re reading this, please feel free to post here about your experience, or your thoughts about mine.

🤍 🍃 Anita