Dear Maxine:

You wrote, “the thought of crushing their happy idealistic life of a family with mom and dad… crushes my heart”-

do you think it really is, in their experience, a “happy idealistic life” when their father is “tired, sleep deprived and irritable” with them and their mother is absent much of the day and stressed when present (“working full time like crazy, missing out on time spent with my kids, stressed about finances and the pressure to keep it al together”), and their parents fight (“when we fight…”)?

His mantra regarding being “a total stoner” is “as long as I show up for my responsibilities then what does it matter and why does it bother you. Why can’t you just be happy”, and you wrote about it, “I guess he’s right”.

He may be right if it was true that he showed up for his responsibilities, but he does not: it is his responsibility to be home with you at night, not out and about through the night till morning. It is his responsibility to show up awake, loving and attentive to the kids, not “tired, sleep deprived and irritable”. It is his responsibility to provide for his family, but he has failed drug tests and lost jobs over it. Once back in school, his responsibility is to study and do well in tests, but he procrastinates and fails classes.

He told you, “I’ve encouraged you all along to find your happiness”, and you wrote, “Again he’s right”, and again, I disagree. He is wrong, I say because when he is out till the early hours or 6 am, he is not encouraging you to find your happiness, neither does he encourage you to find your happiness when he uses weed, fails drug tests and loses jobs, which makes it necessary for you to overwork.

He told you, “why can’t you just be happy… You just want it all now… Are you jealous… you should go to the gym…”- he is pointing the finger at you, as if you are the problem. Not him. And the solution is therefore with you changing your attitude and your behavior. Not him.

You wrote: “I’m terrified of making the wrong choice. I would do anything for my kids”- this brings me back to the beginning of my reply to you: how do your kids experience their childhood, is it really a “happy idealistic life of a family” for them? I am asking not for a yes or no answer but suggesting looking into this seriously, how do they really experience life to the best of your understanding, how can you tell?

anita

Hi Maxine

I’m really sorry you are going through this.  For what it’s worth I think you have been very strong and shown a lot of compassion for your partner.  But you are not happy, and you feel lost, and tired, and overwhelmed. There are more women in your position than you might think…all of them wondering if they should stay or leave. It’s clear your feelings for him have changed…I think you have given up on the idea that he will change and subsequently lost respect for him (not in a bad way, but in an understandable way).

In my humble opinion, I think you should find a small, affordable apartment for you and the kids. Then sit him down and explain very gently and as lovingly as possible that you are desperately unhappy in the relationship (and that you think he is too) and that you can’t see how continuing the way you have been will bring either of you any real happiness. Explain that you will always be connected because if the children, and that you are not interested in being with someone else right now, that all you want is a trial separation to see if you might both be happier living apart from each other.  Be really honest with him and say the things you need to (but calmly).  Explain how you have felt increasingly isolated and alone in the relationship, that his use of marijuana isn’t conducive to the kind of family life you want for all if you. That you are tired of waiting for things to change and have now come to the realization that you have to make a change for yourself and the kids.  That you just want good things for all of you, and maybe that means living apart. He may feel a sense of relief, if he’s feeling the same way, or he may get angry and upset, but either way he will have to acknowledge that things can’t stay as they are. It might be the wake up call he needs, and perhaps he will finally “get it” and make some real changes.  Or maybe he won’t and your trial separation will become a permanent one. Whatever happens, I honestly don’t think you will regret giving yourself a chance at happiness again.

I wish you all the best. Please let me know how you get on 🙂