Thank you for your reply Anita.

It’s as if you would know more about him, which is entirely correct, he carries his past with him, unfortunately, and that is correct…he is not at fault nor was he born this way.

His mother left them, when he was a young teen, for about a year. Without warning or explanation. His father and mother always had a very complex marriage as far as he can remember (his own words). He never did feel at peace or loved growing up. He later felt a sense of being when he met his then girlfriend, they later got engaged. That ended terribly for him as she had cheated on him numerous times when he was deployed. That took him into a deep depression that lead to his release from duty as they thought his mental/emotional instability made him incompetent for their high demands.

We tried therapy the first time around, before breaking up. At first, he was optimistic and felt it was the best thing we could do, even though I was the one that dragged him there. It only took 3 therapy sessions for him to call it quit. He is aware that his demons, as he calls it, from his past affect his present and will always be present now or in the future. He is extremely stubborn and thinks/states he is auto sufficient and no one can help him, as he needs no one but him, and me, to get him thru this. The first time around, I promised him and I tried my best to help him. There was a night I recall we talked for hours and hours about his past. He cried, I cried. It was so good to hear him open up about things so deep that he had never spoken about with anyone. I started to put some of the missing puzzle pieces together. And understand him in such a way I never did before. Prior to this long talk, I thought all his scares and insecurities came from his ex-fiancé. These were battle scares much greater.

I felt an obligation to him after that. I felt I needed to keep my promise to him, no matter what. For the love I have for him as my partner, and for the person that he is. I tried and tried, until I realized I was only hurting myself. I started to realize there was no way I could help someone who didn’t want to help himself but depended on someone to do it for him.

Do you think it’s possible to get thru this dilemma without him seeking therapy/counseling?

Hello Anita

I apologize for the delayed response as there is a lot going on.

First and most important: there is no more relationship. We spent the weekend discussing these issues that he is not convinced of, we contemplated the relationship as a whole and came to the conclusion that it is best we part ways. By participating in this forum it helped me to realize that, yes, it was not our cultural differences or age or lifestyle but our perspective on what a relationship should be. How we communicate and resolve these issues that keep coming up, as he is ad feels he just can’t and won’t overcome them.

To answer your question, he quit therapy because he did indeed think the therapist was incompetent and not for him. As he has quit other therapist in the past for the exact same reason. We are speaking of someone who believes he is “auto sufficient”, who needs no one and is perfectly fine with the issues he has within himself. He basically refuses to get help for something he knows will continue to hurt him, in relationships, all his life.

He is aware that I did all I could and love him like no other and vice versa. On a level of 1-10 I can make him experience love and happiness at a level 10, i.e. cooking him a special candlelight dinner, letters, notes, songs and so on. As on a level of 1-10 I can make him experience a 12 just by saying in an argument the simple words of; “you’re being ridiculous”. He feels pain at a greater level then he does happiness, even though the love he gets/feels from me is unmeasurable, he will always feel his pain in greater. This truly saddens me, because he is a great person who deserves to be happy and experience love in a natural way where he doesn’t have to question it so much. With or without me I wish he could heal from “his demons”.

As you can see and stated yourself, it is a cycle that will always continue. There will always be reasons for his discontent and pain. And when he accepts this as his weakness and defeat, well, it hurts me. Hurts me greatly that it has to end this way. Knowing the amazing person and boyfriend that he can be, and knowing he has the potential to only be better if he could seek help for himself. I truly love him, I care for him and have always been supportive and tried to help him overcome this, alone and by suggesting he seek therapy. I did this with the best intentions of getting him better for him, without any interest in gaining anything for myself.

This time around I have some peace in knowing I did everything I possible could, as well as he did. And at the same time it crushes me, having a divorce under my belt and a failed 10 month relationship. How can I continue and be optimistic about love? What advice can you give me?

Thank you, again for your replies.

Dear Anita,

I highly agree, there was nothing else I could have done to make this relationship work, prolonging the relationship with high hopes, in me, of making it work would only hurt me more in the long run.

I come to the understanding that there is nothing wrong with my perception of relationships and love and this was all but a mismatch. Someone not meant for me. And although it makes me pessimistic at times, when it comes to love in general, I know it’s temporary. As I am a hopeless romantic, who believes her soulmate is wondering somewhere among-st this earth. And it’s only a matter of time before we can meet.

In the meantime, I will continue to work on me, especially with the breakup. It’s not easy to pick up the pieces and rebuild, but, I know I can and will make it out even stronger than I initially came into the relationship. I have made it through a divorce and came out happier than I ever was. I can make it out of this relationship too.

Relationship resume; what would that even look like? – Agreed, good luck with the verification (lol)

Thank you so much for your criticism, I have always found an escape when I write. I truly enjoy it and free myself when I do so, it’s a way to unclutter my cluttered mind. I of coarse plan to continue posting in the forums, I have highly enjoyed it, this is my cup of tea!

I appreciate your feedback, thanks again for your advice!

Maritza