Dear molora:

I see a few things going on:

1. Projections; most likely inaccurate projections. You wrote: “I’ll start thinking about what they think of me, ‘they probably thought I am an idiot/self centred/ uninterested/ weird’”- it is you who unfortunately thinks that you are an idiot, self centered, uninterested and weird. You projected those things into the other people, believing or suspecting they are thinking these things about you, but it is you who does.

2. When we are not engaged in a particular task that requires our focus, our brains wonder with thoughts about the past and the future, for the purpose of learning from the past and improving the future, remembering a situation from the past, scanning for problems in the past performance and practicing better performance in the future.

3. Each one of us has what Freud called Superego, also known as Inner Critic. This is the part that tells us to eat with our mouths closed, brush our teeth, wait in line etc. It is the part that makes us follow rules. In many of us, this part is abusive, harshly critical, like yours. And mine. It is torturing you really.

There are ways to deal with an abusive inner critic. I am dealing with mine daily, paying attention to when it speaks and at this point I am able, these days anyway, to not engage in conversations with it, but kind of .. leave its presence and stop being there for its harsh input.

The Superego or inner critic is the internalized real life harshly critical/ abusive parent or care taker during out childhood. Who do you think you internalized? Insight into this can be very helpful.

anita

Hi molora,

We all have been in your shoes, more or less, I am almost always like that when I try to meet good people and make good impression. Minhat and anita were right on place when talking about the (super) ego and how much trouble it can cause… I would like to point out two more things.

1) Different emotions can be energetically connected to potential conditions and diseases. The bad ones lower our energy and we attract more negativism in different forms. Self-criticism, shame and guilt are unfortunately on the bottom of that ‘vibration chart’. It takes time for us to change, but trust me you have to find constructional ways to deflect this pattern of thinking toward more positive direction. You will notice if you continue with this, ‘blockages’ in different aspects in your life will appear… And for me it took years to realize that it was my way of thinking, my necessity to be perfect , and fear not to embarrass myself that crippled my life in so many ways.

I am sure you are lovely person and whatever you’ve ever said to anybody was respectful and with good intentions. Do not wire your brain with constant self-criticism, guilt and shame. Perfect does not exist. And not everyone can like you even if you do your best. This is the reality, and you have to accept it. And if your brain is bit ‘hyperactive’ like mine and in constant need to go somewhere, than ‘feed it’ with something else, distract yourself. It’s funny, but at one time when I was prone to falling in self-distraction ways of thinking, I actually did Sudoku and crosswords whenever that started 🙂 You’d be surprised how you can’t focus on two demanding things at the same time 🙂

2 ) And if you wanna seek a logic that will support the fact that you ‘cant be that bad’… 🙂 Let’s look the things from the other angle 🙂 Do you remember everything that has been said to you by every person (I am talking about the ‘small talk’ in social conversations). You can probably remember something till 3-4 weeks ago, and then it just fades away. Your mind can’t possibly keep track of every conversation from your past, unless it was really life changing or traumatic. So why bother so much about what you’ve said to someone ? Do you really think that that person will have a sleepless night because of your words? Other people will forget anyway, trust me. You have forgotten many! Mega-scandals on TV just go away, bad moments fade through time. Don’t sweat the small stuff 🙂 Enjoy life, love yourself, use that mental energy on something wonderful 🙂 Practice!! Do you wanna be puppet which moods and behavior will be dictated by other’s people opinions, or do you wanna be… free? 🙂

Hi Molora, Yay Im not the only one who does this!! Haha relax, I think we are all a bit like this. I often think Oh I didnt ask them about this, or that. I should have said this or that but you know what- there are a million ways to reply to a question, so many questions you can ask, so many funny things to be said but you said exactly what needed to be said at that point of time in that conversation and in the amount of time you had together. There are so many factors that make up a situation / conversation so just trust yourself that you responded as was fit in that time. Oh how hind sight is a wonderful thing 🙂 It also sounds like your a little bit shy but just relax and it will all come together. You are lucky to be in such a social job !
If you really think you should of asked them a question why not drop them an email or message and say hey so sorry I totally forgot to ask about….?
Hope you feel better about this