Dear amde20:

I am glad you posted and hope you feel much better soon.

You wrote that you “should have… had more communication leading up to it.” I believe you hit the nail on the head with this statement. It is not wise to let the heat of the moment determine if it is right to engage in a sexual interaction with a person for the first time. In the heat of the moment, the body says Yes. Afterward the mind says: What happened? That was so wrong…

So it is wise to have ongoing communication before, when the heat is not on. Of course, it is too late with this guy. This kind of thing happening to you is understandable: You are not born with this kind of wisdom. Someone should have taught and guided you on this issue.

Next time, how would you know if it is the right time? You can prepare now before the next relationship so what happened will not happen again.

Here is a writing assignment for you aimed at answering when it is the right time for a first sexual interaction with a guy:

1) What kind of a man does he need to be so that you will consider sex with him? Be as detailed and specific as you can, listing what are your none negotiable requirements about a man before you consider a sexual relationship with him (ex.: STD free, honest, age, employment, education, living situation, etc etc…anything important to you).

2) What kind of a relationship it would need to be before you consider sex with the man? (ex. exclusive..)

3) How long does the relationship need to be before you consider sex? How much time do you need to spend with him in person before you consider such (relevant for when much of the communication is online and when it is long distance)?

Would you like to answer these?

anita

Dear amde20:

I wish you didn’t beat yourself up over 30 seconds that you stopped. Do you beat yourself for any imperfection?

You are only human, imperfect by design. Mistakes will always be made. This couldn’t have been the first and it will not be the last. You lead your life the best you can, prepare the best you can, evaluate situations, learn from mistakes… and minimize future mistakes.

Beating yourself up for being imperfect, something you can’t help being, is a bigger mistake than any. That rubbing of 30 seconds was half a minute long mistake. But you beating yourself up is a mistake lasting … how long?

Again, do you beat yourself up for any imperfections? Any mistake you make? Or is this a worse mistake because it was of a sexual nature?

anita

Dear amde20:

I didn’t forget about the writing exercise you did, the answers to my questions. We can attend to it more later, if you’d like.
A more pressing problem is that Inner Critic of yours, that voice in your head (we all have it but in some it is too demanding and in some it is also abusive), that has been beating you up for two and a half months for a 30 second lapse of judgment.

Are you familiar with the concept of the Inner Critic?

When you were a baby and a young child, you didn’t have that Inner Critic yet. That is why a baby has no problem going to the bathroom in front of people feeling no shame. As the child grows up, the parent/s tell the child: don’t do this! And don’t do that!

Some of the instructions by the parent are reasonable, such as toilet training and some eating manners and … waiting your turn in line and such social behaviors. But often enough a parent will be too demanding, insisting the child makes no mistakes. Sometimes parents punish and beat up the child severely for small mistakes.

The child internalizes over time the parent into the brain, and the parent becomes that voice and takes over the job of the parent. If the parent severely punished the child for mistakes, the Inner Critic will take up that role.

It is soon to be my bed time. I would like to read a reply from you here, on whether you are familiar with the Inner Critic concept and if your parent/s indeed beat you up for making mistakes…?

You didn’t hurt anyone but yourself during those thirty seconds. Have empathy for you- you are the one that was hurt. Don’t add to your hurt with more beating, please.

anita

Dear amde20:

You are welcome and I appreciate your kindness.

Here is how the Inner Critic works in your case, according to your own posts:

“My parents have held high standards (for you)” – your Inner Critic is holding high standards for you.

Your parents were watching you and too often and maybe too severely disapproved of you- your Inner Critic is watching you and too often and too severely disapproves of you.

You are “trying to rise above what (your parents) want, to try and ensure they won’t be disappointed in (you”- you are trying to rise above what your Inner Critic wants, to try to ensure it will not be disappointed in you.

Of course, if you are still living with your parents- are you?- there is their disapproval you fear as well as your Inner Critic’s disapproval (it is your parents, internalized)

Can you share: how, in what ways, did your parents express their disapproval of you?

And what kinds of things did they disapprove of in your younger years?

And again… are you still living with them? If so, or otherwise, when in contact with them: what do they disapprove of currently? How do they express their disapproval currently?

anita

Dear amde20:

In your last example, your mother took one incident and turned it into an eternal thing “from now on”. She took one convenient lie on your part and turned it into an issue of eternal trust about any and every topic. Seems to me that she may be extreme, an all-or-nothing kind of thinker, making a big deal out of a small thing. That would explain you making such a big deal out of those 30 seconds. It would make sense to me that you internalized this making-a-big-deal attitude of your mother and now it is working as part of your own thinking.

I commend you for choosing the major you are interested in even though she disapproved of it. This means you are not completely under the spell of her disapproval. I am glad.

In her saying: ““this wouldn’t be the right decision for me but it could be for you.” This means that… you are selfish and wrong to consider your own best interest, your own well being? Bad message to send you.

Well, your Inner Critic, your mother, internalized into your brain, is something for you to pay attention to and attend to. There are ways to weaken that Inner Critic, that inner voice, that voice that rains on your parade. Recognize it when it gives you its commentary and say: ah, I know who this is. Over time, paying attention, you can develop a counter voice, your own, to take the place of your mother’s voice within you.

anita

Dear amde20:

You are welcome. Awareness is firs step. Paying attention to the Inner Critic voice will be an ongoing process. Some need competent psychotherapy to help with it (will always help!) Please feel free to post here anytime. It being a process, means it will be ongoing, so make this thread ongoing…

Until your next post, take good care of yourself, and again, I am impressed with your will power and perseverance regarding your career. With that will power and perseverance you can tackle that Inner Critic well.

anita