all of my life, i have felt as though there is a void that i cannot fill; i feel disconnected from the world. i have chased happiness in the form of men since i was a preteen and thought that i had finally “captured” it when i got married after three months of knowing the guy. i got pregnant immediately afterwards. now i am 21, married and i have an 8-month old daughter. i am so overwhelmed, and sometimes i am filled with regret which makes me feel terrible. i am very selfish. i feel as though my life is over now, that i will never be able to find myself – who i am, what i like and don’t like, what i’m passionate about, if i even HAVE the capability to be passionate about anything! it’s silly because when i was “free” i was miserable and wanted purpose in life. now i have purpose and all i want is to go back. i love my daughter but feel i am an awful mother and it makes me withdraw from her. i can’t get her to nap, i can’t soothe her when she’s fussy… i don’t even WANT to soothe her. i have my husband do as much as possible because i just feel so depressed, all i want to do is relax and do nothing at all.
sorry. that all just poured out. the original reason i wrote this was because i react poorly and with great anger when my daughter is fussy or won’t sleep for me. i often have to leave her to cry in her crib because i am so angry. i always go back in when i am calm but it isn’t enough, she deserves to have someone who can be her rock at all times. so how do i overcome my selfishness, which i think is the root of my anger, and be a better person? is it possible to change at all? i have been trying to be a better person my whole life but i feel like the more i try the worse i become. i am chasing my tail, spinning in circles. i am lost. i need help.