Nicole,

I will share with you two things that might help: First, Anita is right, the far more important gift you can give your child is to be “present” and happy when you are with her – even if you can’t be there all day. I too wanted to stay home with my kids, but it was never possible for me and, for a long time I felt inadequate as a mother because they were in daycare instead of being home. However, if you ask my kids today (at 20 and 18) what they remember about their childhood, they have many great memories from their time in daycare; making friends, shoving beads up their noses, eating sand (LOL), things I’d never have been able to give them as a stay-at-home mom. They also remember us sitting down to dinner every night and sharing our “daily highlight” where everyone tells about the best thing that happened to them all day, even if it’s only “5 o’Clock finally arrived and I was able to leave work and come home to you!”

Second, and I don’t mean to marginalize any issues you have with your husband, but try asking yourself if these things are really a deal breaker. I find the things that end a marriage aren’t where he squeezes the toothpaste tube, or which way you put the toilet-paper on the spindle, they are serious character flaws. My husband never, never, shuts his sock drawer in the morning. Never. It used to drive me crazy. I fumed about it, or snapped at him about it often: “Are you going to put those socks back after you wear them? Hmm? Then why leave the drawer open?!!” Then one day he left on a two-week business trip and when I came home from work I found his sock drawer open. Suddenly my entire focus changed and that annoying, forgetful gesture became an endearment – something that reminded me of him – and I realized I would miss shutting that damn drawer for the next fourteen days. I never let it bother me after that. I just smile and push it shut – still to this day. 🙂

Try taking a deep breath and letting go of some of the things that maybe don’t matter as much. Treat yourself with tenderness and love too. Have patience with yourself, and with your husband. You are both only human after all. Love your daughter and remember she’s watching you – you are her role model. She’ll never admit it (especially when she hits her teens and you become a complete stupid-head) but she will learn how to be a woman, a mother, and a good person from watching you. Hugs to you. Try to smile today. 🙂

Kristin123

You’re so welcome. It’s funny: I can remember being where you are now as if it were yesterday. I was so scared and overwhelmed and I was certain I was the only one who felt that way. I watched other moms who appeared to glide through their day looking like they had it all under control while I gained weight, struggled to keep up with the housework, and made career-limiting choices at work (no travel, no power meetings after hours) so I could pick my kids up on time from daycare. My life was all about what I HAD to do, and never about what I WANTED to do.

And I think maybe I’d have been content with that if at least I’d done it all well, but I was stretched too thin to give anything 100%, so I was simultaneously inadequate at everything; employee, mother, daughter and wife. I forgot who I was outside of how I defined myself in relationship to others. Lord, did I beat myself up over it! It was a dark time in my life and I won’t say any more about that here because this isn’t about me. I only relay this story to you so you’ll know, it does get better. I blinked and suddenly it was all behind me. I laugh now to think I’m the wise, older mom who thinks she can give advice to others like you. If you only knew how I stumbled along the way.

Trust me when I tell you, it’s not you. Don’t you believe for a moment that others aren’t feeling like you. No one could do what you’re doing any better than you are! You’re an good person under extraordinary circumstances. If I could say there is one thing I wish I’d done sooner, it is to take one hour a day for myself. My hour ended up being my lunch hour at work. I put on my walking shoes and went for a mile or two walk each day. I took that time to quiet my mind, refresh, relax and get a little Vitamin D. I came to jealously guard that time – no matter how busy I was, I forced myself to go.

Don’t lose yourself in the fray and don’t beat yourself up if it seems like you’re just stumbling around. You are good enough. Hugs to you! 🙂