oh where do i start…. Girl meets Boy, girl falls inlove, girl have felt not good enough, extremely insecure, no self worth or self esteem. so you can imagine when this boy tells girl that he was inlove with her, he was the validation that she needed that her life was worth anything. as far back as i can remember girl has always felt not good enough, unworthy, ugly, unlovable ( girl was sexually abused by brother, girl feels responsible and ashamed, girl doesn’t talk about it much), relationship between girl and boy moved on the speed of sound, engaged 2 months after connecting, before the engagement, boy broke up with out of the blue and went on a vacation with family ( maybe boy was afraid of something, girl never got answer) boy sends girl a message begging girl not to give up on him and that he loves her. girl takes boy back because she didn’t have any other option. Girl and boy gets engaged, boy was deployed to afghanistan, girl was in college, final semester of college, girl is having problems with her professor, girl needed support from boy and girl complained to boy while he was deployed, girl cried too much about her school situation, boy had enough and broke off the engagement from girl and told girl he couldn;t handle being in a relationship. Boy started another relationship with another girl. girl found out on facebook, girl was devasted and crushed, girl lost 20lbs in a month, girl was depressed but girl started dating, had meaningless sexual relationships because girl just wanted to feel wanted by someone even if it was just for sex. Boy got home in decemeber for R&R, boy asks girl to bring his stuff, girl drives his stuff, boy begs girl to take him back, girl again feels validated and worthy and girl takes him back. Boy insist that girl marry him before he goes back to afghanistan, girl agree, boy and girl get married on jan 5th 2012. Relationship was great, boy was back to his deployement, girl graduated from college, got a job, boy called girl everyday it was beautiful girl was very happy ( there were fights and disagreement but girl felt loved) boy and girl decided to have a marriage ceremony with family and friend when boy get home. Boy get home, girl discovers boy has a serious drinking problem, girl struggles to save boy. with a shaky relationship, boy and girl got married again in the presence of friends and family on sept 30th 2012. Girl boy moved into a new apartment and all hell broke loose. Boy drank himself into a coma, boy crashed car from drinking, boy moved out when there was a fight, boys family are all alcoholics and did not see anything wrong with boys drinking, girl felt alone, depressed, ashamed, unworthy, rejected. girl gained 40lbs, house was a mess. boy stated talking to other girls and did not hide it, girl had meaningless sex with a boy to feel something. Finally boy meet a girl, boy moved out again, started talking to this girl, boy was gone for a month. boy came back because boy needed help, boy decided he wanted to work on their marriage, girl again feels validated, boy and girl talk to pastor, boy decides to stop drinking and get help, 2 weeks later boy tells girl that he cannot stop drinking, boy did not come home, boy waited till girl was at work and picked up some of his cloths, later came by and got the rest of his stuff. around thanksgiving, girls sister tells her to call boy, girl calls boy, boy tells girl he was inlove with someone else, and that he wants to be with her not girl, girl is crushed ( confused as to why to girl is and was crushed) Dec 18th boy shows up at girls door step ( girl moved) boy cries and begs girl to take him back ( girl is ridiculous with no self respect) girl takes boy back now it gets funny, 2 days later girl leaves girl because boys mistress was pregnant, girl goes into panic attack, was rushed to the hospital, girl could not possible be lower, girl prayed for death just so the pain will stop. girl got through it, stated dating, meet a guy, girl was smitten ( story of my life) but girl developed a drinking problem, and other addictions and scared new guy off. girl was home 2 weeks ago and niece came and woke her up that boy ( husband) was at the door, girl could not believe it, girl thought something bad had happened, boy comes in drunk crying begging, girl says no ut couldnt kick boy out because she cared for him and he was drunk ( deep down she was happy he came back to her but…. too much damage was done) sister told girl to send boy home in the Am, boys is pleading, boy tells girl’s sister that he cannot live without girl and he is willing to do whatever it takes to fix marriage, girl mother tells her to forgive boy ( very religious family) girl is unsure, they start seeing a therapist, but girl cannot shake that uneasiness, boy tells girl that GF is pregnant or says she is, girl is livid, girl tells boy to leave, boy tells girl he is not going anywhere and that he wants to work their marriage. Girl even starts to believe it. oh girl found out that boy is addicted to coke not just alcohol. Boy agrees to get help. on Friday girl comes home from work, boy on the phone with dad, dad asks boy where he was, boy says at girl’s house, that was a moment of confusion for girl, he started that this is his home, he tries to control things that goes on in the house, why would he say he was at girl’s house, girl decided that she needed time to think about her life, find herself and be happy for herself. Girl tells boy that she needed space to work out her issues, boy gets upset and tells girl he wants a divorce. boy starts talking to his GF again ( not sure he ever stopped) boy states that he needs time to find where to go ( oh forgot to mention that boy was living with GF and GF’s mother), boy tells girl that she is holding on to the marriage like thats all she had and it was patethic, girl said thanks and walked away. so yesterday, boy tells girl that he wants a divorce now that gf will not accept him back until he gets a divorce, girl tells boy to give her sometime per advise of spiritual mentor, to work out her issues and make decisions with clarity instead of cloudy emotions. boy insists to talk to girls mentor, boy tells girls mentor while girl was sitting on the couch that marrying girl was a mistake and that he needs this marriage over so he could go be with his GF who is having his child. i forgot to mention that previously in dec when GF told boy that she was pregnant she lied.
anyways…. writing this has helped me get alot of my emtions out. i feel stupid, ashamed, guilty like i could have done something different. i feel a sense of loss for what could have been, i feel worthless and so undeserving that someone that claimed the loved me could treat me like this and also stupid for continuing to love this person. i care about this person and i love him but its so sad and i am truly pathetic. well again i feel better writing this, i am determined to continue to try and discover myself, my core and my purpose and most importanly inner peace. I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THAT THIS IS ALL THAT LIFE HAS FOR ME.
ps
forgive typos and grammar errors
and i will update my day to day struggles