Dear pixelpixie:

You are feeling such strong guilt about leaving your husband, such intense guilt that it paralyzes you.

What is it about your husband that triggers your guilt??? Is it the things he tells you?

You mentioned the relationship was fun at one point. When did it stop being fun and why?

anita

hey Pixelpixie,

Why do you feel guilty? Well, i reckon it’s because you are in a team, and you feel that if you quit and leave the team for good that everything after this point, is your fault. Your team is in shambles, cannot make the playoffs, doesn’t win anything, you blame yourself. I’m using a analogy, but the gist is that if you leave you feel that he will never find happiness, or that it’s your fault that the relationship has come to this point. It’s because you view yourself responsible, rather than seeing it as a collaborative effort. It does take two to tango, but then again if your dance partner is not receptive than you can only say you gave it your best shot.

I think that in relationships like this, people become comfortable. With that comfort, people can often forget that the relationship and the partners in that relationship are actually two different beasts. You stop asking questions and communicating because you take for granted that you know each other so well. We equate years with knowledge. I have studied Korean for 3 years now, Koreans and other learns go ‘whoa’. Whilst a girl studied by herself for 6 months is doing things i cannot. time doesn’t make you wiser, it’s what you do with that said time.

Also, you are apart of him, his identity and your own are constructed by marriage. You are the wife and him the husband. If you leave you lose that identity, that constant in your life that has validated not only who you are, by the choices you have made, the way you talk, the way you see the world etc. I assume since you were 21 years old, you have been connected together, validating and supporting each other. You feel guilt because when/ if you leave, you take away that part of his identity and your own. You are afraid that you are his everything. Which seems paradoxical, since you are not happy with being his happiness solely, but at the same time conflicted over whether to leave because you are everything to him (or see yourself vital to him).

I guess the way to overcome this guilt, is to acknowledge that your identity is more than just your husband. Look into the mirror and ask yourself, who am I? Who am i to myself and others around me? Say you like hiking, or reading, or having a nice glass of red or a cousin or sibling or a colleague etc. These things that are all apart of who you are and won’t change because you leave. You are still you, the only thing that changes is ‘wife’ becomes ‘ex-wife’. Don’t let a word determine your feelings. You will still be a caring person, a respectful person, you will still have traits and qualities independent from your relationship. At the same time, your husband has qualities as well that are independent. Also, try to understand that divorce is not a black mark against your name, it’s not an ‘f’ on your report card. Life is not simple, especially when you are living for two. If you are not happy now, and you have tried everything in your power to change that, then the future isn’t going to change, unless your husband tries as well. You are better off spending the rest of your life alone, happy and doing things you want to, rather than weighing yourself down and live with someone else. Being with a partner is actually meant to make life more rewarding, at least that’s what i think and hope.

I hope this helps you, if you have more to add please write again 🙂
MAtty

Dear pixie:

Maybe then, what motivates you to stay in this unhappy marriage (unhappy for both parties) is your fear of feeling bad if you do leave. You are afraid of suffering if and when you leave this marriage.

Paralyzed by Fear, not by guilt?

You fear feeing that you failed in this marriage. The thing is you already failed (you both did)- so what you are postponing is not the reality of the marriage having failed (it has), but coming to terms that with this reality. You are postponing your full awareness that it has already failed.

Oh, the relief you will experience once you are fully aware that your marriage has already failed; the relief you will feel for catching up to reality…?

anita

Somebody said it above- you are responsible for you and he is responsible for his own self. If you cannot get along and enjoy each other’s company, then what’s the point? Fearing for his well-being and forgetting to look out for your own well-being is a nice gesture but it enables the miserable relationship to continue on, as is. You may want to ask a professional counselor for advice on how to have the kind of conversation you may need to have with your husband.

Fear brings you DOWN and will not go away until you stand up to it. You can use grace, respect, and tact in your approach to better both of your lives.

Peace,
KS