- This topic has 37 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 7 months ago by Anonymous.
March 6, 2019 at 10:02 am #283315
Hey all. A few years ago, I began noticing that I tend to get pretty paranoid about the people in my life. Are they hurting me? Are they lying to me? Do the people I know all secretely know each other and talk about me? It causes me so much anxiety. I used to have an account on here in which I talked about things bothering me but I deleted it because I was worried the people I was talking about would find it even though I never used their actual names or mine. I don’t know how to stop these thoughts even though I know they are irrational. It only involves my close friendships and relationships and I’m not sure what to do…March 6, 2019 at 12:02 pm #283379AnonymousGuest
A few posts ago, today, here I wrote about how young children are 100% trusting and how that leads to a lot of pain too soon, for many of us. There is nothing much that hurts more, emotionally than that first betrayal of trust, a young child not knowing that trust can at all be betrayed, and trusting so completely… that first betrayal, it hurts terribly.
Do you remember the first betrayal that you experienced, as a child?
anitaMarch 6, 2019 at 12:05 pm #283385
@anita, so many experiences! Friends turning against me to bully me, friends taking the bully’s side. And once I began dating, I had a pattern of toxic relationships with men who mistreated me or used me. I tend to be very mistrusting but, ironcally, still let people in. I’m not sure what to do. Even just posting on here makes me very afraid. I wonder “what if one of the people on here knows whoever my post is about and will let them know?” it’s a very scary place-my mind.March 6, 2019 at 12:17 pm #283391AnonymousGuest
If your distress is so great, maybe psychiatric medications are in order, for a limited period of time, then during this time you can attend quality psychotherapy, what do you think?
anitaMarch 6, 2019 at 12:19 pm #283395
@anita, I could do that. I just wish I could fight my thoughts. I know they are irrational but there’s still a little voice in my head saying “what if” and it feels so real.March 6, 2019 at 12:31 pm #283399AnonymousGuest
I know the “it feels so real” experience. It is quite common, really, that people feel something that is not happening. It feels so true, so convincing,
If we can find evidence for or against what we suspect/ feel is true, that is most helpful.
I need to be away from the computer in ten minutes and will be back in about seventeen hours. I want to re-read your post where you answered a question I asked you and I would like to read, if you are willing to share, about a betrayal that you suffered as a child by a parent/s, if you are willing and able to think about that and share.
I understand that you might delete this thread by the time I return. I hope not, I don’t see any way this thread can harm you. This site is not that popular plus, make sure that you don’t provide identifying information such as names of people and places, how old you are.. without identifying information, how can this thread hurt you, I don’t think it can.
Be back in seventeen hours.
anitaMarch 7, 2019 at 6:13 am #283459AnonymousGuest
Glad to see that your thread is still here. I will quote from what you shared here and comment on it:
“I tend to get pretty paranoid about the people in my life. Are they hurting me? Are they lying to me?”- I thought these thoughts myself and still do, sometimes. The reason I thought these thoughts is because people really did hurt me, and people really did lie to me, specifically, my mother did, the person I loved the most in my life. So I imagined other people were going to do the same. In other words, I projected my mother into almost everyone.
“Do the people I know all secretly know each other and talk about me?” – people do talk about a person in ways they wouldn’t talk in the presence of the one talked about. Some people do a lot of that, so your fear of other people talking about you, saying uncomplimentary things about you is not an unrealistic fear.
“I don’t know how to stop these thoughts… It only involves my close friendships and relationships”- like I wrote above, my own mother hurt me and lied to me. Personally, I projected her into anyone in my life, be it a family member or stranger.
You wrote that you experienced in childhood “Friends turning against me to bully me, friends taking the bully’s side”- and it hurt every time that happened.
“once I began dating, I had a pattern of toxic relationships with men who mistreated me or used me”- this often happens to a child who was mistreated and used, accepting such treatment from others, as an adult. If for no other reason, then because of not knowing any different, not having a solid experience of having been treated fairly and respectfully, so nothing to compare.
“I just wish I could fight my thoughts. I know they are irrational but there’s still a little voice in my head saying ‘what if’ and it feels so real”-
-As you wrote yourself, as an adult, a few men did mistreat you and misused you, so sometimes your thoughts are correct. They are not irrational in that they are based on your real life experience.
This is why it is very important to evaluate the people you interact with, limit what you share with a person until you learn that the person is trustworthy. Get involved with a man gradually, bit by bit, postpone physical intimacy involvement until you learn who he is and that he is trustworthy.
In regard to this thread, don’t share personal information, any information that can identify you, if you do that, you are reasonably safe.
anitaMarch 7, 2019 at 7:21 am #283465
@anita, there is something that has triggered my paranoi that I would love to discuss with you but I’m scared about posting it.March 7, 2019 at 7:33 am #283471AnonymousGuest
If you posted here this latest trigger/ situation, what do you think will happen specifically, what is the specific dangers you perceive (examples: being fired from work, becoming homeless, being arrested, sent to prison)?
anitaMarch 7, 2019 at 7:44 am #283473
@anita, I am afraid the person the worry is about will somehow find my post/comment.March 7, 2019 at 7:49 am #283477AnonymousGuest
If you post and if the person the worry is about read your post, what will he or she do next?
anitaMarch 7, 2019 at 8:42 am #283483AnonymousGuest
We are all scared of people who are angry at us. Some are more afraid than others. We fear other people’s anger because anger does motivate all animals to attack. For example, if you trespass and there is a dog there on the property, the dog will get angry, bark and growl, and you know that you are in danger of being chased and bitten.
A child gets very scared of a parent/ adult being angry at the child, because the child is small and weak and so very dependent, unable to protect herself once attacked.
Now, an adult is bigger and stronger than a child, more capable to protect herself. An adult also knows that in a public place, people are not likely to attack, when angry, because other people will witness the attack and will call the police, giving their witness testimony accounts. Otherwise, in private, people are less likely to attack knowing the consequences. People want to avoid negative consequences for themselves. An adult also knows that other people have their own lives, own worries, own fears and they are not 24/7 occupied with: how can I harm this or that person. They are busy protecting themselves from harm because they are afraid themselves.
Think as an adult, best you can, what is the reality of this or that situation, how likely is this person to attack or harm me. While there is always some chance, often the chance is very, very low.
anitaMarch 8, 2019 at 4:40 am #283631AnonymousGuest
I want to let you know that I remember you, that I am glad you didn’t delete your thread and that with me, here, you are safe. You can post here today, next week or next month, anytime you post, I will reply.
anitaApril 10, 2019 at 6:25 pm #288619
Hi Anita! Thank you for your last reply, Ive been thinking a lot about it for the past month. My paranoia was better for a bit but now its back and hard to deal with. I met someone I really like and I want to pursue something with him eventually even though we’ve only hung out once so far. There’s another guy that has feelings for me but I only see him as a friend, I dont ever see myself liking him and he and I have hung out a few times but I’m just not feeling it. I’ve been paranoid that both of them know each other (theres zero proof. they dont have mutual friends or anything) and its making me want to not talk to anyone. Like if i’m nice to the guy Im friends with but dont like and then the guy I like reads my text but doesnt respond, I’m like “what if its bc i was nice to my guy friend?” and i get paranoid.April 10, 2019 at 11:08 pm #288653giaParticipant
I’m responding to an earlier post of yours, regarding how you wish you could “fight your thoughts”. Our thoughts and ways we interpret the world were formed by experience, and what ingraind most solidly in our mind through those experiences are (fortunately and unfortunately) the ones that have protected us in the past, maybe repeatedly. The workings of our brain are primarily and perhaps ultimately geared towards protecting us from harms, so patterns that have somehow helped us escape or minimise those harms in the past come naturally to us, both patterns that we have conscious and unconscious awareness of.
I’d look at your thoughts in a different way, beginning with accepting that they are what they are with the primary intent to protect you from projected future hurts and harms.
On another note, your issue sounds generic enough for me, which may be due to the fact that I’ve experienced that before. If it worries you, though, you can always generalise as much as possible without sacrificing context. You can also evaluate the likelihood that the people involved are visitors of the Tiny Buddha forums — I’ve come to observe that most who post here are introspective, sincere, and growth-minded folks. Of course we can’t speak for the lurkers; I tend to think most of them would possess some degree of spiritual and thoughtful qualities.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by gia.