Dear Hannah:

Glad to see that your thread is still here. I will quote from what you shared here and comment on it:

“I tend to get pretty paranoid about the people in my life. Are they hurting me? Are they lying to me?”- I thought these thoughts myself and still do, sometimes. The reason I thought these thoughts is because people really did hurt me, and people really did lie to me, specifically, my mother did, the person I loved the most in my life. So I imagined other people were going to do the same. In other words, I projected my mother into almost everyone.

“Do the people I know all secretly know each other and talk about me?” – people do talk about a person in ways they wouldn’t talk in the presence of the one talked about. Some people do a lot of that, so your fear of other people talking about you, saying uncomplimentary things about you is not an unrealistic fear.

“I don’t know how to stop these thoughts… It only involves my close friendships and relationships”- like I wrote above, my own mother hurt me and lied to me. Personally, I projected her into anyone in my life, be it a family member or stranger.

You wrote that you experienced in childhood “Friends turning against me to bully me, friends taking the bully’s side”- and it hurt every time that happened.

“once I began dating, I had a pattern of toxic relationships with men who mistreated me or used me”- this often happens to a child who was mistreated and used, accepting such treatment from others, as an adult. If for no other reason, then because of not knowing any different, not having a solid experience of having been treated fairly and respectfully, so nothing to compare.

“I just wish I could fight my thoughts. I know they are irrational but there’s still a little voice in my head saying ‘what if’ and it feels so real”-

-As you wrote yourself, as an adult, a few men did mistreat you and misused you, so sometimes your thoughts are correct. They are not irrational in that they are based on your real life experience.

This is why it is very important to evaluate the people you interact with, limit what you share with a person until you learn that the person is trustworthy. Get involved with a man gradually, bit by bit, postpone physical intimacy involvement until you learn who he is and that he is trustworthy.

In regard to this thread, don’t share personal information, any information that can identify you, if you do that, you are reasonably safe.

anita

Dear Hannah:

If you posted here this latest trigger/ situation, what do you think will happen specifically, what is the specific dangers you perceive (examples: being fired from work, becoming homeless, being arrested, sent to prison)?

anita

Dear Hannah:

If you post and if the person the worry is about read your post, what will he or she do next?

anita

Dear Hannah:

I want to let you know that I remember you, that I am glad you didn’t delete your thread and that with me, here, you are safe. You can post here today, next week or next month, anytime you post, I will reply.

anita

Hi Hannah,

I’m responding to an earlier post of yours, regarding how you wish you could “fight your thoughts”. Our thoughts and ways we interpret the world were formed by experience, and what ingraind most solidly in our mind through those experiences are (fortunately and unfortunately) the ones that have protected us in the past, maybe repeatedly. The workings of our brain are primarily and perhaps ultimately geared towards protecting us from harms, so patterns that have somehow helped us escape or minimise those harms in the past come naturally to us, both patterns that we have conscious and unconscious awareness of.

I’d look at your thoughts in a different way, beginning with accepting that they are what they are with the primary intent to protect you from projected future hurts and harms.

On another note, your issue sounds generic enough for me, which may be due to the fact that I’ve experienced that before. If it worries you, though, you can always generalise as much as possible without sacrificing context. You can also evaluate the likelihood that the people involved are visitors of the Tiny Buddha forums — I’ve come to observe that most who post here are introspective, sincere, and growth-minded folks. Of course we can’t speak for the lurkers; I tend to think most of them would possess some degree of spiritual and thoughtful qualities.

gia

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by gia.