April 11, 2019 at 11:16 am #288725
You are welcome. As a potentially paranoid thought occurs to you, or example: “what if it’s bc I was nice to my guy friend?” after the guy you are interested did not respond to your text, ask yourself: is this a reasonable thought?
Put the thought into a reasonableness test- is it reasonable?
You know the two guys don’t interact and do not have mutual friends. So it is not a reasonable thought. Dismiss it then.
In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) there is an exercise or exercises, examining thoughts for truth or distortion of truth, it may help you to google it. There is also a workbook that I came across a long time ago, “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Dummies”, it is called, for such exercises.
One of the thought distortions is called “emotional reasoning”, meaning something feels so real that you believe it is real, even though evidence does not support it. There is a list of other thought distortions in the literature regarding CBT. It may help you to look into it and do those exercises!
April 11, 2019 at 11:35 am #288737
- This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by anita.
@anita, thank you! I’ll check that out! I txted the guy I like and he said he’s been busy and that’s basically been our interaction today so I’m paranoid about the stuff from last night. I know there’s no evidence and no reason for it but I’m still scared. I feel like even being nice to my friend is giving me anxiety. I’m currently ignoring his text.April 11, 2019 at 11:50 am #288745
You are welcome. If you are being nice to your friend but you don’t feel like being nice to him, if you are pretending to be nice to him, maybe you should end that friendship, kindly. Make it easier on yourself.
Otherwise remember that a scary thought doesn’t make it a true thought, separate the fear from the rationality of the thought, best you can.
Let me know what you think about the CBT exercise or exercises, will you?
* I will soon be away from the computer for a while.
anitaApril 11, 2019 at 12:12 pm #288747
I appreciate my friendship but it’s causing me too much anxiety. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t know what I’d even say. And I will let you know!April 11, 2019 at 12:56 pm #288749
Say you are sorry, that you wish you didn’t feel this anxiety but you do and it is better for you to end the friendship, again you are sorry. Then follow through, that is, don’t contact him and stay separated, not communicating. Take care of yourself this way. Looking forward to read from you. I will be away from the computer and back in about 17 hours from now.
anitaApril 16, 2019 at 4:43 pm #289355
So I decided to end the friendship and I’m very glad because he was being very inappropriate and making me uncomfortable so I cut it off! I hung out with the guy I like recently and have noticed he’s been a bit distant the past few days and I usually notice different patterns of behavior in people I’m close to so I got anxious and I texted him a bit too much I guess and now I’m worried I’m being clingy or annoying and I feel myself wanting to close up even though I was just starting to open up to him.April 16, 2019 at 4:57 pm #289359
Congratulations for ending the friendship that made you uncomfortable. Regarding the guy you do like, take the middle way: don’t text him too much and don’t “close up”- text some, take it slowly, pace yourself. You can do it, don’t give up!
anitaApril 17, 2019 at 5:52 am #289409SofioulaParticipant
I’ve been there. So I can 100% understand the feeling you are trying to communicate here.
Could you give us more details about your current job, education relationship status etc? Maybe we can find the stressors behind your “paranoia”.April 17, 2019 at 6:08 am #289411
Before, when you thought that maybe the guy you are interested in didn’t text you back because he was upset over you being friends with the other guy, you knew there was no evidence that the two guys knew each other, but you were still afraid that what you thought was really happening. Then you ended the friendship and the guy you are interested in still doesn’t reply to your texts like before, correct?
The reason he doesn’t reply to your texts was never that you had a guy friend, you just felt that it was the reason. This is called in CBT I mentioned above, “emotional reasoning”, meaning you feel something is true, so you believe it is true. In CBT “emotional reasoning” is one of the “thought distortions”.
One of my most intense emotional reasoning experiences was when I was a child, I dreamed or imagined otherwise that I was flying, like a bird in the sky, it was so enjoyable and special that I .. believed I really did fly. It took me a long time to figure it is impossible, that I would fly in the sky, arms like wings, gliding up above between the clouds. But it felt so real.. that I believed it.
You suffer from ongoing fear, aka anxiety. Anxiety is like a sticky substance that gets stuck to thoughts. So it stuck to the thought that the guy you are interested in is upset that you have a friend guy. But the thought was not true. Now that you ended the friendship, the fear gets stuck to other thoughts, doesn’t it? Fear sticks to thoughts and we end up believing things that are not true.
What is the current situation with the guy you are interested- did you get together with him more that one time and what is the texting status?
anitaApril 17, 2019 at 6:21 pm #289515
@anita, well we hung out recently and everything was great! The next day, he wasn’t responding even though I saw he opened my message. I messaged him being like sorry if my texts are overwhelming and he said it’s just hard to text all day and I understand but he hasn’t been texting me at all like he would after work and now nothing. He said this is a difficult week but I feel like he’s upset with me or I did something.April 17, 2019 at 7:24 pm #289521
I will read your recent post (and anything you might want to add to it) when I am back to the computer in about 11 hours from now, and reply then.
anitaApril 18, 2019 at 10:23 am #289583
You wrote: “we hung out recently and everything was great!”- did the two of you have a conversation during that time, if so, what was discussed? And what was great about that time?
anitaApril 18, 2019 at 4:01 pm #289641
We just laughed and joked and just had a good time and he was sweet and affectionate. He said I’m very reserved and I am because i was in an emotionally abusive relationship last year. I’ve been very closed off with this guy until recently when I allowed myself to be open. Then he started being distant and he works a lot but because of my anxiety, I became clingy. I talked to him last night about how I didn’t mean to be closed off and I do like him and he said I am who u am and he’s very casual and we kinda talked about sex and I said it takes me a while to get there with someone and he said that’s a good thing. I texted him this morning saying thank you for listening to me and how I hope we can still hang but he hasn’t responded and I’m afraid I ruined everything by being so clingy. I’m not gonna message him again until he does. I just feel so dumb.April 18, 2019 at 5:36 pm #289655
I will read and reply to your recent post (and anything you might add to it) when I am back to the computer, in about 13 hours from now.
anitaApril 18, 2019 at 7:49 pm #289671MarkParticipant
Have you done anything about anita’s suggestion in looking into CBT?
It seems that you are obsessing about this guy and worrying about how and when he will respond to you.
It does not seem healthy for having your world revolve around him and how he responds to you.
CBT helps you become aware of inaccurate or negative thinking so you can view challenging situations more clearly and respond to them in a more effective way. The goal of cognitive behavior therapy is to teach patients that while they cannot control every aspect of the world around them, they can take control of how they interpret and deal with things in their environment.
- This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by Mark.