Dear Hannah:

You are welcome. As a potentially paranoid thought occurs to you, or example: “what if it’s bc I was nice to my guy friend?” after the guy you are interested did not respond to your text, ask yourself: is this a reasonable thought?

Put the thought into a reasonableness test- is it reasonable?

You know the two guys don’t interact and do not have mutual friends. So it is not a reasonable thought. Dismiss it then.

In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) there is an exercise or exercises, examining thoughts for truth or distortion of  truth, it may help you to  google it. There is also a workbook that I came across a long time ago, “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Dummies”, it is called, for such exercises.

One of the thought distortions is called “emotional reasoning”, meaning something feels so real that you believe it is real, even though evidence does not support it. There is a list of other thought distortions in the literature regarding CBT. It may help you to look into  it and do those exercises!

anita

Dear Hannah:

You are welcome. If you are being nice to your friend but you don’t feel like being nice to him, if you are pretending to be nice to  him, maybe you should end that friendship, kindly. Make it easier on yourself.

Otherwise remember that a scary thought doesn’t make it a true thought, separate the fear from the rationality of the thought, best you can.

Let me know what you think about the CBT exercise or exercises, will you?

* I will soon be away from the computer for a while.

anita

Dear Hannah:

Say you are sorry, that you wish you didn’t feel this anxiety but you do and it is better for you to end the friendship, again you are sorry. Then follow through, that is, don’t contact him and stay separated, not  communicating. Take care of yourself this way. Looking forward to read from you. I will be away from the computer and back in about 17 hours from now.

anita

Dear Hannah:

Congratulations for ending the friendship that made you uncomfortable. Regarding the guy you do like, take the middle way: don’t text him too much and don’t “close up”- text some, take it slowly, pace yourself. You can do it, don’t give up!

anita

Dear Hannah:

Before, when you thought that maybe the guy you are interested in didn’t text you back because he was upset over you being friends with the other guy, you knew there was no evidence that the two guys knew each other, but you were still afraid that what you thought was really happening. Then you ended the friendship and the guy you are interested in still doesn’t reply to your texts like before, correct?

The reason he doesn’t reply to your texts was never that you had a guy friend, you just felt that it was the reason. This is called in CBT I mentioned above,  “emotional reasoning”, meaning you feel something is true, so you believe it is true. In CBT “emotional reasoning” is one of the “thought distortions”.

One of my most intense emotional reasoning experiences was when I was a child, I dreamed or imagined otherwise that I was flying, like a bird in the sky, it was so enjoyable and special that I .. believed I really did fly. It took me a long time to figure it is impossible, that I would fly in the sky, arms like wings, gliding up above between the clouds. But it felt so real.. that I believed it.

You suffer from ongoing fear, aka anxiety. Anxiety is like a sticky substance that gets stuck to thoughts. So it stuck to the thought that the guy you are interested in is upset that you have a friend guy. But the thought was not true. Now that you ended the friendship, the fear gets stuck to other thoughts, doesn’t it? Fear sticks to thoughts and we end up believing things that are not true.

What is the current situation with the guy you are interested- did you get together with him more that one time and what is the texting status?

anita

Dear Hannah:

I will read your recent post (and anything you might want to add to it) when I am back to the computer in about 11 hours from now, and reply then.

anita

Hannah,

Have you done anything about anita’s suggestion in looking into CBT?

It seems that you are obsessing about this guy and worrying about how and when he will respond to you.

It does not seem healthy for having your world revolve around him and how he responds to you.

CBT helps you become aware of inaccurate or negative thinking so you can view challenging situations more clearly and respond to them in a more effective way.  The goal of cognitive behavior therapy is to teach patients that while they cannot control every aspect of the world around them, they can take control of how they interpret and deal with things in their environment.

Mark

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Mark.