This is something that has always bothered me since I was maybe 15 or 16. I’m 21 now. It’s so hard for me to be around my parents and family. I can’t stand them and it makes me feel so bad that I feel that way. I just got done eating dinner for easter with my parents and I couldn’t even finish it. I just said I was full and went to my room and started crying for a reason of which I do not know.

When I was about 13 I remember having a myspace account and I cannot remember if I created it or if my mom did for me. Here begins it all. I don’t remember getting on at all. However my mom was always on my myspace. (My mom was crazy over protective about me throughout my life)  She was being me on my myspace. I didn’t have a lot of friends, I probably didn’t even have one friend at that time. I was the nerdy weird kid in school that everyone made fun of. Of course I never told any of my family about being bullied or not having any friends because I was embarrassed about all of those things. Anyways, my mom used to be kind of obsessed with taking photos of things. Especially me and family stuff. She would always bug me to take pictures. I got to the point where I hated taking pictures. She would post these pictures online to myspace with without my knowledge or consent sometimes. I didn’t even know my own password if I can remember correctly. She would talk to other people pretending to be me. She would say something like “Oh hey I talked to that Chad guy today” I really didn’t think a lot about it when I was younger because I didn’t really know anything. Eventually she discovered Facebook and of course she pretended to be me. This time it started to bother me. I was alittle older and just hitting 8th or 9th, grade at this time. I had very few friends at this time. When someone messged me she would reply pretending to be me. And I don’t think it bothered me at first because I was young and again didn’t realize what was going on. She took more pictures and posted more photos. I started getting into the modeling scene and doing shows. She always said she was on my Facebook to be my manager. But, I really always thought it was an excuse. Eventually she started talking to a guy pretending to be me and next thing I knew we were boyfriend/girlfriend somehow. This happened a few other times but I don’t think It ended up in gf/bf scenerio. I remember crying and begging her to get off and stop. She would never listen. Eventually I gave up and tried to ignore the fact because I felt bad for telling her to get off.

When I turned 16 she was still on Facebook pretending to be me and I started dating. I started talking to a boy. I really liked him. I felt like he was the only friend I had at the time. Eventually we started dating and I was really happy. My mom didn’t like him. I don’t think she had any reason not to like him at first. She just immediately didn’t like him and because she didn’t like him my dad didn’t. I was in the “first love” phase so maybe I was blinded about everything that was going on at the time. I really don’t know…eventually we broke up, but I really think my mom being overprotective and not liking him played a big part in that. I’m a lot older now and he turned out to be a douche bag, but I still cannot look back and observe why she didn’t like him at first. Anyways while we were dating she would talk to him on Facebook pretending to be me. (I told him that my mom was pretending to be me on fb) so he always responded in reason like he didn’t know. One day he said he didn’t want me to do modeling anymore because he didn’t was guys staring at me (whooo lol stupid right 16 yeard old drama fun) so of course being a head over heels girl for him, I asked my mom to stop posting photos of me. She would get very aggravated when I asked her to stop. She didn’t listen the first few times. One day I eventually became brutal and blew up on her. I couldn’t stand her being me online anymore. I said the worst guilttrapped thing I could to have her get off. I said “Mom you’re ruining my life, everyone makes fun of me at school because of the things you say pretending to be me and the boy/s you’re pretending to date being me.” I yelled it so hard and was telling to be as mean as possible. She never got onagaim after that day. And our relationship has never been the same. I don’t know if what I yelled to her was true or not at the time. I don’t know if I lied myself into saying that and changing my memory about it.

Her behavior towards me has always seemed off now that I observe it from an older perspective. For example I grew up poor and never had a lot of money. So I wanted to get a job to be able to go out and actually have a little bit of money to do some things. When i told my mom I wanted a job she got angry about it and towards me. When I finally got a job she was always negative about ot and always complained about me working. Always something negative to say to me before I went to work and came home. I feel that most parents would have pushed their children to get a job. But I really don’t know, I’m not a parent. I learned so much from my first job and I wouldn’t change it. It may have been a burger joint job but it taught me a lot. (Even into my other jobs as I got older she had the same negative attitude.)

Ever since those days she wouldn’t get of Facebook pretending to be me around the time I started dating that boy I have deeply hated her. And it makes me feel so bad and guilty. I feel like I’ve lied myself into memories I’ve created though my own lies. Then again the other half of me dosent believe it was a lie. About the things I said to her. And it haunts me every day. It’s horrible. I just wanted her to stop being me on Facebook and be a normal parent like everyone else. (i know nobody is normal but you get my point).

Now that I’m older I feel like she realizes what she did was wrong and she tries to make it up everyday. I really can’t do anything besides hate her. (I don’t show it, but I’m sure she knows). I feel so guilty. I don’t know how to fix it or what to do. I want to have a normal nice relationship with her. I truly hate myself at the end of each day for hating my own mother.

As for my dad he has really bad bi polar. He can be really nice and then really cruel at the same time. One time he held a gun at me and my mom. I remember crying and screaming thinking that my own dad was going to kill me and my mom. Ever since then I’ve always hated him too. I know this might be because of a preset mental condition and also the fact that he had a very rough upbringing with a abusive mother. So then again I face the problem of hating him at the end of the day.

Somebody please give me advice. There isn’t a second of my life that it dosent eat away at me. I want to fix it all. And I want to have a good relationship with my parents. I’ve come to the point of not being able to handle all the feelings amd have almost killed myself a few times. My parents ate getting old and I’m terrified they will pass away before I can fix anything. I don’t know who’s fault any of this is. I really feel like it’s mine. I just want to fix it all. I would give anything I have to fix this.

Thank you for taking time to read this. I would be very grateful for any advice or input on this~