Dear John:

The young boy that you were, “standing there looing at her and closing the door devastated”. He must have felt relief when she “came back few minutes later”. But he didn’t forget that she left and he knew she may leave again anytime and never come back.

His fear and devastation were alive in him and remained so into adulthood. And then you meet his woman who is also in pain, like your mother, who is crying, like your mother. So you figure you will do something this time, you will not close the door on her. You will keep the door open but you will tell her what she needs to do for you to keep the door open, how she must behave.

Back to the young boy that you were: how did you try then, as a child, to keep your mother from leaving, to take her pain away?

anita

Dear John:

“In general she is nice”, you wrote about your mother. I am so sorry to read how cruel she is at times.

The general nice does not make up to the cruelty of pretending to be dead, and enjoying seeing you panicked. No niceness, no good food, no clothing or toys in all of one’s childhood can make up, or neutralize one act of cruelty of this magnitude.

I need to be away from the computer for about fifteen hours. I read little of your recent two posts and will re-read them (and anything you may add) when I am back to the computer. I will reply to you when I am back.

anita

Dear John:

You are welcome. The first woman a boy needs is his mother. A boy needs his mother desperately. It feels like his life depends on her.

What does a boy do when he sees his mother lying on the floor, dead or dying?

He panics, he runs for help. This is what you did, you ran for help, fear pumping your heart, out of breath, time seems to go on forever, your brother was too slow, so it seemed, you finally get back to your mother.

She is no longer lying on the floor. She is “happily standing smiling saying it was a joke because I was naughty”.

What does a child feel at that point: relieved his mother is not dead, but well, smiling. Confused, not understanding what happened. He hears her say he was naughty. He stands there looking at his mother, and he doesn’t understand. What happened..

That was not the only time she did things that confused you.

Confused, “you liked to look at small objects that were forgotten and unimportant and focus on them”- maybe those objects were not confusing. Maybe there was clarity and calm in looking at a simple object, a forgotten, unimportant object. There was definitely a lot of confusion looking at the never-forgotten, most important object in your young life- your mother.

This current woman in your life, she seems like another confusing big object, says things, does different things, cries, then lies, promises, teases you, telling you she fancies another guy at the dinner table, probably sending naked selfies to a married man while telling you that she intended to send those to you but were too shy… what you have here is a dishonest woman, one who lies.

A young boy doesn’t have a choice, there is that woman, his mother, he has only that one. He can’t say: I don’t like this woman, I am going to get another mother for myself.  So he tries to fix the situation. If he is never again naughty, maybe then she will stop teasing him,  pretending to be dead, or tormenting him otherwise. Maybe if he makes himself very small, so she doesn’t see him and forgets to tease him. He tries different ways to make it work.

You are a man now but the boy inside you is still trying different ways to make this woman be right for you. He doesn’t know he can choose another woman, a different, honest woman. He is no longer a dependent child, it is not this woman or no one at all.

My advice: stay away from all the dishonest women in your life. There are plenty, be aware. Choose a woman who doesn’t lie (wouldn’t that be a wonderful, wonderful thing?)

Choose a woman that when she says something, you know she will follow through with action. Choose a woman who wants to do what is right, not one you … have to teach her what is right, or guide her to do  what is right. She is not interested in such guidance.

You wrote about your mother that she said to you recently that “law is this way that she can bring me to court for care for her”- I am not familiar with such a law regarding an adult child being financially responsible for a parent. Are you?

anita

Dear John:

The law your mother mentioned to you, that may very well be a lie.

Regarding you being worried about your “trust/energy investment versus outcome”- better have a positive return on investment in every one of your relationships in life. If you have no return on investment, or a negative return, minimize (ex., in the context of work relationships), or end the relationship.

Post again anytime, today, tomorrow, a month from now, whenever you think it may help you to post.

anita