Dear Pransenjeet:

I will be away from the computer for quite a few hours. Will check your thread in 4-6 hours. Take care of yourself!
anita

Dear Prasenjeet:

Okay. Welcome to come back to the thread if you wish to.
anita

Dear Prasenjeet:

If you choose the divorce, it will be an ugly business. I imagine your parents will give you hell, put guilt on you. It will be devestating to you. A.’s parents- they will give you hell directly or indirectly. No wonder A. ssays she is not ready for divorce: SHE doesn’t want to get the hell that you will. So she kind-of says (but her heart is not in it): I want to stay married- YOU divorce me. So she stays out of the upcoming condemnation, the hell I am referring to.

If you do not choose divorce, you will continue to live the hell you are currently in.

The first hell, if you manage it well enough, will be temporary. The second hell will last year by year, decade by decade, if you survive it.

Remember the line from a fovorite poem of mind: “To be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause”? If you choose divorce, you will be marching into hell, but the cause is future freedom. It is hell with a promise of future heaven vs. hell.

If I was me in your situation, the best that I understand it, I would divorce and I would minimize the hell. Please pay attention here because I think I may have a good point here, for you to evaluate:

Everyone is going to give you hell, starting with your parents. This is a given, isn’t it? Everyone is going to give you hell, they are all going to try and HURT you so that you change your mind, hurt you and scare you into submission (staying married). Except maybe for A. who is hoping for divorce, at least partly, but does not want to get hell.

So if you agree that this is what is realistic for you to expect, that they will try to HURT you and SCARE you into submission to them, hurt you and scare you into going against your self interest, against your well being in support of THEIR interest and THEIR percieved well being, then…

What I would do, if I was me in your situation the best I understand it, is go about the divorce as quickly as I can without talking about it to your parents, without hoping for or asking for their permission. And without talking to anyone who is not already supportive or is very likely to be supportive of your decision. This way you are not spending more time in hell than you have to.

This is not the time for obedience, not the time to look for approval. In fact, as I see it, there is no bigger opportunity available for you than this one, no greater opportunity to become the strong, more independent, aware, and courageous man that you (I hope) would like to become. This is the opportunity. Take it like a mission and when it is over, you will probably, after a while, not even recognize yourself. You will have a story to tell.

anita