Dear Prasenjeet:
You didn’t answer the question about the consequences your parents fear if you divorce A or if they showed concern about you suffering being married to A. or if and what advice they gave you about dealing with your suffering. You wrote in your latest two posts that A. has “serious faults” and is lacking “basic requirements.” In an earlier post you wrote that there are arguments and fights with A.

I thought about your case quite a bit. It is evening here on the west coast U.S.A and I will think more clearly, I hope, in the morning. I want a fresh brain to use tomorrow morning and write to you then. You are in a very difficult situation, a very difficult situation.

If you read this before 12 hours from now, or so, can you answer the questions I asked you above? Also, this sacrifice you are doing, sacrificing your freedom, your well being, this sacrifice so far, is it working for your parents, the reason for your sacrifice? Are they happy that you are staying so far with A.? What is it that they are gaining out of this? What is their benefit?

Till tomorrow:
anita

Dear Prasenjeet:

I think I am ready now to give you my input as best I can:

First, what makes simple sense: since you are in the process of evaluating your marriage situation and getting ready to make a choice whether to stay or to separate, it makes sense to make sure you do not bring a child into this marriage. This will very much complicate matters to a great degree.

Now the rest of my input: Your experience with N. gives you a comparison kind of experience so that what you are not experiencing with A stands in stark comparison to what you did experience with N. You can’t go back in time and un-know what you already know. In other words, you already know how a loving experience with a woman feels. You will therefore always know how badly an unloving experience with a woman feels. Whether you end up with N. or not is irrelevant to the point I am trying to make here: you already know and you can’t un-know it. You are likely then to forever compare and be miserable.

There is the issue of sacrifice: you sacrificing your individual needs and well being for the (hopeful) benefit of the group, in this case, your parents. In nature and in very primitive societies, before easy travel and internet, way before, the individual animal or human sacrtificing for the group was to the benefit of the individual, a Win-Win type relationship. The group protects the individual from enemies, predatiors and the individual works for the group. In our changing, evolving and devolving world, conditions have changed. But the rule of nature stays the same: sacrifice for the group is supposed to benefit the individual. Otherwise it is a Lose-Win or often, a Lose-Lose relationship. This is nature, not morality, the way things are.

The concept of sacrifice as stated in a favorite song of mine, The Impossible Dream, is very attractive to me adn I am all for it, emotionally. Here is a line from the song: “To march into hell for a heavenly cause!”

If your marriage is that “hell”- what is the “heavenly cause” you are marching for?

You are in this marriage so to please your parents. This is your “heavenly cause” – the reason for your sacrifice (just as other sacrifices you made in the past, not studying after graduation, doing a job you disliked). I hope that with a calm mind, you examine, as objectively as you can, your “heavenly cause,” that is the cause for your sacrifice. If, following your objective and thorough examination, you come to the conclusion that the cause for your sacrifice is worthy of your sacrifice, then by all means, stay in the marriage and suffer. The “heavenly cause” will keep you going for as long as you can.

If, on the other hand, you find the “heavenly cause” unworthy, then your sacrifice is for nothing. Then there is no “heavenly cause.”

This is an examination I hope you do. It is your work to do and your decision to make. I have no investment, in the context of our communication on this website, in you making a choice this way or that way. My investment here is in encouraging you to examine before you choose. To maximize your view of what is real, peel off what is not real and see as much and as far of what is real as possible. When we choose in accordance to reality, we are likely to make the right decisions. When we choose based on misconception or delusion, we are likely to make the wrong decisions.

I have ideas about the examination I am proposing: it is your parents’ well being that is motivating you. Their well being is your “heavenly cause,” isn’t it? Let’s examine, if you will, the concept of their well being. Isn’t one’s well being equal to how one feels? Anxious, distressed on one hand and peaceful, content, on the other end of the spectrum. It is not the amount of money in one’s back account, is it? It is one’s state of mind (if it was the money in the bank there would be no miserable rich people).

Look back at your parents through your history with them. Were they peaceful, content, at times joyful? When? Most important:

Have your previous sacrifices made them peaceful, content, joyful? For how long?

Has your present marriage so far made them peaceful, content, joyful? For how long?

Are they afraid now that they will be sued and will have to pay A.’s family? That makes them anxious and distressed now, isn’t it? So… you being in the marriage now is causing them distress, doesn’t it?

If you separate from A., and “the worst” will happen and they get sued, maybe they will feel relief, no longer looking into the future with dread. It already happened- ah, the anticipation of danger is gone.

A last note from my personal experience: I sacrificed myself and my life for my mother’s welfare from a very young age. There was no one I ever loved as strongly and intensely as I loved her. I witnessed her misery which included her stating she was so miserable that she was going to kill herself. The first time I remember her (convincingly) threatening suicide was when i was five or so. I decided early enough that my life doesn’t matter, only hers and that I will do ANYTHING to make her happy. And I did everything I could. I sacrificed ME. Fast forward: my last conversation with her was in 2013. At that point I was 52. She said to me: “i don’t care if I live or die.” All my sacrifice was for nothing. She wanted to die when I was five, she wanted to die when I was 52. My “heavenly cause”- the cause I felt so strongly about- did not bring her peace, content, joy- throughout the whole time (minus two weeks that I think I managed to make her happy, a certain trip). I sacrificed me/ my life for naught.

Please do let me know if you need further input. I am willing to communicate further with you. Otherwise hope you do the needed examination and best wishes to you:
anita

dear Prasenjeet:

You asked what bout A’s life. You wrote earlier that you talked to her about the situation. I understand she is very unhappy herself. If she is unhappy, divorce is the solution. Sure it would have been better if you both did not get married at all. But you can’t turn the clock backward. You can not get un-married (That would have been perfect), you can only get a divorce. It is the TWO of you that made the mistake of getting married. You are responsible for your choice to get married and she is responsible for her choice. Each has to suffer the consequences, this is the nature of reality: cause-> effect. You cannot predict the future. You can not predict the consequences for her, that is whether she would suffer more divorced from you or married to you- different kinds of suffering: which would be worse? You can’t tell.

I understand the weight of the situation you are in. This is why I suggested examining it from a calm state of mind and as objectively as you can.

If I was you, I would definitely get a divorce. I have no doubt in my mind. No children and a quick divorce, as soon as possible. If you’d like you can apologize for your responsibility in this whole unfortunate affair to any and all parties effected. But remember, you do not carry all the responsibility here. Your parents carry their responsibility for arranguing this marriage and rushing you to it. A. carries the responsibility to marrying you. Her parents, if involved, carry the responsibility for pressuring her into this. The whole society that promotes arranged marriage carries the responsibility for encouraging this practice. You are only responsible for your part. You do not have to carry the weight of the whole affair on your shoulders alone.

The mistake has been done by multipe parties. The result is pain by multiple parties. Exit the mistake with minimal consequences. Some are unavoidable. You can’t make it all disappear.

Again, if I was you I would get a divorce ASAP- the more you wait, the more unecessary suffering will be experienced by all involved.

anita