HI Anita,
thank you for your insight. I feel it is not really correct, though. R-2 is very dependent on me ( almost like a child) to make the household run. I make his lunches for him before he goes to work, I pay all the house bills ( I pay for them myself from my money anyway) and he is quite novice at using a computer for paying bills, researching, etc. I am going to MN next week for work, and he “hates” that I am away and not there. He states that every time, when I go on trips without him. Seems so child-like to me, especially when he says he cant sleep without me next to him in bed. It is almost like leaving a child behind. I know I have created this, as I was always told that is what a “good wife” does. I would survive in a heartbeat without him. I own the house, make my own money, and coordinate his life for him. My reason for leaving, will be stated as not being happy, appreciated and always made to feel inferior by him. No mention of R-1 at first glance. So, his meltdown will transform into seething anger, once the R-1 involvement becomes apparent. IT appears I stayed in this melancholy (for me) marriage, because I felt I was less worthy, not very attractive and this situation is the ” Made your bed, now lie in it ” thought. R-1 expanded my mind, validated my worth, my beauty, my brains, and gave me courage and self-esteem I never had before.

My one concern right now is this: Son home over the summer, they are buddies and have a great father-son relationship. I cringe at thinking of him being home and witnessing the meltdown. I feel R-2 will melt down, and become dependent and clingy with son. Son will feel guilty and may not return for his senior year, due to guilt of watching his father de-compensate. It feels like I should wait until end of August, when vacay over and son back in school. The drama will not be in his face and he would stay
(I think) and cope long distance with it. Of course, if he comes home, that is his choice and I will accept that. Don’t want to put him in the middle of the face to face drama, if I can help it.
I know the phone and texts will blow up, but feel I can control my own emotions at my pace, and control what I will or wont react to. I am sure it is mind-blowing to think Mom and Dad are breaking up 35 years later, and WHY? I am at a point where I don’t need validation or support to make decisions now. Just looking for other viewpoints and do feel you have insights I never thought of. Is my logic about the melt-down reactions sane or am I missing something?
When I think and play the “movie reel” of thinking of going back to him after all this, I feel anxious and nauseated with a big “NO” screaming in my mind. Better to be alone and peaceful and strong, than being the good “housewife/mommy” I have come to know as my role. My delay is based on the above thoughts. Your view is always welcome!

Dear Anita,
About the “when to leave” idea, my thought was that my son would have his dorm and frat buddies, if he needed to talk.I know men don’t really discuss, but he may be so distraught, that they might be able to influence him not to leave school , if that was a thought he had. He has the highest honors at the school, and I would hate to see him throw it away. Ultimately it will be his choice. I will have no guilt about it, because life is about choices. If he doesn’t finish his degree, he will have to face the consequences of that decision.

As for the attachment, it has sort of morphed into a pity situation. I pity the needy way he has become over the last decade or so. I resent being the meal ticket (even though he works full time and saves MOST of his money) but know I started that, back in the day when he became unemployed over a dozen years ago, for a short period of time. I pity him, that’s all. I have no need for his money, companionship and we certainly don’t talk of anything serious, as that has been his way. If something serious, he has a tendency to ignore, stick his head in the ground or to make sure his way of thinking is the right way in an escalated and argumentation way. I wouldn’t escalate any argument, just acquiesced and let it be, to keep the peace. That is my hardest weakness, keeping the peace at just about any cost. SO, I will be NOT keeping the peace and blow this all up with lots of noise and drama. That is why I revert to the letter drop and run mode, when it happens.

The feelings I have are: ” He doesn’t love me for who I am, He loves me for what I can do for him.” Very eye-opening to me when I read that quote somewhere. I make twice as much money as him, am more educated than him, and I feel he has been subtlety threatened by all of this, and is somewhat misogynistic in his ways. And I accepted it all and thought there was no other way. I have been enlightened to the idea that I don’t have to accept this anymore. I feel any apologies, or begging for forgiveness or trying to be sweet with me is ” too little, too late”. It is not in his nature, and it would feel like it is to make sure his comfy little life remains. Which angers me more- again feeling used for what I provide.

Whenever I try to argue back or assert myself, that I don’t like his comments or way of something, he always tell me I am being nasty, bitchy, or what the hell is making me so mad? Then, I back down every time,as the more serious discussion wont happen as he dodges and weaves out of the way, and tries to settle by ignoring or being quiet, with no further discussion. R-1 was a breath of fresh air to me and invigorated my soul in so many ways. It has energized me that I don’t have to settle for melancholy anymore.

Dear Anita,
Just came back from my counseling session who I have seen for over ayear now.
A couple of things were interesting.
1- I deserve to be happy. I have more strength and courage than a year ago. Ready to let go and move one. I am too old to waste another day,,,,though….
2- She felt that waiting until son was back in school at summers end, would be more comfortable to my thoughts. That if he witnessed the drama, meltdown, etc. he may make am impetuous decision to stay and help father, and not go back. He is empathetic and a close son with this father. He would feel, see and hear the drama, and not be able to escape it at the time.
3- She brought up a point I hadn’t thought of : What if R-2 commits suicide? Son and all family, friends will blame me for that. I was so surprised that I didn’t feel guilty with that thought. I feel he makes that choice, its his choice. But if he threatened that, I would make sure he understood that he inst hurting me, he is hurting his son, for the rest of his life. I will feel some sadness over the son’s anger with me, but possibly over time, might come around.
4- Do not wait for R-1 to make his life straight. I need to proceed for me, not him. I dont foresee living with him for several months or even a year. I need to see that his actions speak louder than his words with his sons and their dependencies. She agrees that we have been a gift to each other, building each other up, delighting and making each other happy in our communications and meetings. The real work is ahead.
I feel more confident in my decisions and will lessen the fear that has driven me my whole life. She repeated several times that I <deserve to be happy in myself and not to tolerate any less than I deserve. And with R-1’s help, I have and know that in my heart. Thank you Anita for your thoughts and insight. My motto will continue to be:
“If it is to be, It is up to me”. Will update as situations change….Sayonara!

One month gone by now. I am still here. Have saved a lot of money towards my escape plan. The challenge is that each day gets harder and harder to stay. I wanted to stay until my son went back to college in late August. I wanted to stay through the family vacation that will occur the first week of August. It was only to not “ruin and disrupt” the summer for the son home, and to not ruin and disrupt the last vacation as a family. R-2 still clueless and sometimes makes bitchy comments that I don’t like, but smile inside with what I know.
I am getting along very well with son, while he is home. Sometimes we both “roll our eyes” at some of the mindless comments R-2 makes. I have come to the conclusion that I must leave and be on my own for myself. No jumping into another man’s arms to be saved. Nope, I have a good job and a stash of cash. BUT it is getting so hard to wait to make sure everyone else is taken care of, before I leap. It feels like I am trying to control the “hate” level that will be spewed my way, when this occurs.
Another complication is that another good friends couple is now going on the vacation with us. Certainly dont need lots more witnesses to the meltdown. Also, no refunds on the fully paid cruises at this time. Thinking to make things smoother,(just a fraction) for after vacation, and also son going back to the dorms.
R-1 remains patient, understanding and supportive. One of his sons has left for a foreign country, and the other will just stay in the same marital home with the mother, I suppose. R-1 will be moving out on July 1 to his own place. We speak daily, and he seems to be stronger and less guilt-ridden on his home front and so still in love with me, with his cards, letters and phone calls. I do have a PO Box, as well as a second phone, in order to have secure communications. I think I feel like I am treading water. Some days, I feel like I am going under(like today), and feel sad and overwhelmed,waiting, waiting. Just wanted to vent today. I have requested R-1 not to see me over the summer, so I dont have to find another excuse for a few days out of town. Just no mindset to do that for now.
Hi Anita: I see you are busy, busy, trying to plug the holes in the leaking emotional dikes of our lives. Your words are always logical and bring out the solutions our poor battered souls need to be mindful of. All those young people, with such pain and anguish in their stories. I find it interesting that the pain and anguish over relationships has no age limit, no?