Hi Anita, ( unseen but well-thought of friend!)
What an exciting thought! F- it, the jig is up. No more pretending. He is so clueless, and he is unaware of my thoughts and feelings.
He has 2 weekdays off, and no weekends. I am off weekends. SO, we never really get much calm face time with each other. Not that communication occurs, because he gets very reactive and voices get raised. Son and him sit on couch and watch sports and jabber about that all day long. I have little interest in sports, and know only some cursory knowledge of the different sports they are interested in. Hate the ESPN on the tube all day long.

I am unafraid of him ” killing” me, but the sad eyes, moping, the grabbing me to hug me and make me stay, are the drama I wish to not have. I do know the day will come, and I will just get fed up with it. I think I am waiting for an angry moment, to energize me and fuel my fire. The issue is that there are few angry moments. Its just day to day living of cooking, washing dishes, working in my home office and computer, feeding the dog, sitting on the couch watching TV. The physical part has been reduced to once every 10 days or so, in a quick in-the dark_ grab at bedtime, since son is down the hall over the summer.

I have been a master of “compartmentalization”, the ability to take feelings/thoughts, box them up temporarily and place on the shelf and move on. I do know the refusal of intimacy will cause the door to open and the S— storm to begin.
There would be no vacation, as R-2 wont be able to control his grief and anger. Also, on a cruise, it is a 10 x 20 cabin, so it could get dangerous, especially fueled with alcohol on his part. I an concerned that the son feeling responsible for his dad, will mean he might shelve the senior year of college and stay home to take care of R-2 and support him emotionally. With his high grades and successes, he would literally being throwing away his future. I know he could do it anyway, but feel better if he doesn’t witness this firsthand and become emotionally distraught at the time. Being away at school may mean R-2 would calm down in a few days and not react to sobbing and crying with his son.

It feels really awful to say, but the taking of his own life (R-2), really doesn’t bother me. If that should happen, I feel no guilt after the life I have given him. I thought last night of how he depends on me for everything, the evolution of the Parent-child relationship that has occurred over the decades. Once the big blow occurs, the biggest problem I see, is getting him to leave the house and start his own life. He has NEVER even learned how to run a washing machine and wash clothes or iron. He has gone from mothers house to roommate who did his housework, to me since the 70’s. As a 64 year old man, this will give him a stroke for sure. I feel like I don’t fear the Big Blow, I fear the “So, Whats next?”. I am unable legally to throw him out since married, and would have to resort to a restraining order. (oh my, shades of the first marriage and Mama’s solution to keep R-1 from me, though a lie and illegal, since I never signed or knew of it). How can I lie with a straight face and say I feel physically threatened?
I may be able to, if I leave the premises. I would go to a hotel, await the grief-stricken and then angry calls, and then feel more righteous in getting a restraining order to get him out and me back in solo. That seems the only way to handle this, and for me to gain control of myself for the drama that will be between us. And there will be drama, as his Mom/ buddy support will be over.

Anita, thank you for your thoughts on this. Soon, very soon, I will be Xena, Princess Warrior, and cut all this crap and move on down the road. Your words will be in my head as I proceed! Me first….. what a novel idea…..

Hi Anita,
I think it is my delusion to “control” what I can. Am not one to feel comfortable unless I have some control in situations. It is part of my “BossyPants” attitude that has given me successes in my work life and some semblance of control at home. My control at home is the bill paying, the control of doing things he doesn’t know how to do, and keeping my secrets. Nan is the one making the plans. Nan hopes that the sheer excitement of being “free” to live my next life, will not be muddied up with the guilts of stepping on so many lives that have depended on me. I left as a child-woman 40 years ago, with just the clothes in my closet and nothing else, living with mother. So, had no pressures of “stuff” to worry about, job to worry about, where to live worries.
Life is complicated 40 years later. Cant just cut and run like I did before. In handling the worries of how they will react, gives me sense of control to not be “surprised” for the reactions. My “What If” factor bubbling up again!
Nan,,,,she ran….when she can…….(smile)

Dear Anita,
Your examples are so clear! As someone who used to own horses, we would place them on the “HotWalker”. The HotWalker was a circular spoke large horizontal ring on a pole that moved like a bicycle wheel on its side. You would hook up your horse or two up to, and it would walk the horse in a circle, to cool down, after a race or workout. They walked around and around, and dug a rut (path) as they walked around and around on this walking wheel. The rut would get deeper and deeper and have to be filled in occasionally. I am digging my rut in the circle I am in. Smile- No power to run away since I am hooked up to the HotWalker. Time to rear up and break free! HI ho Silver, and Away! You make me smile, Anita! Have a good evening! (Francesca would know what I am speaking of, she was on a farm)…..