June 18, 2021 at 7:59 am #381624
So I’ve managed to ruin 90% of all my friendships in my short 23 year life span, make a horrible first impression for myself as aggressive and cringe worthy human being and it all culminates into me feeling pathetic. It feels good to say it for once, even if it’s to strangers on the internet, it feels good to name it as I previously could not. I’m grateful for the people in my life who love me, every so often I get a lovely note from a family member or family friend letting me know how much they love me and my spirit is lifted. But it always crashes down. I am reminded of my past actions, the loneliness weighs and I am alone.
Thank you for listening to me. I really appreciate it.June 18, 2021 at 9:03 am #381660
Good thing that you feel good naming what you feel, which is “feeling pathetic”, “Pathetic” is the title of your thread. I would very much like to know: what do you personally mean by pathetic?
anitaJune 19, 2021 at 9:27 am #381697TeaKParticipant
So I’ve managed to ruin 90% of all my friendships in my short 23 year life span, make a horrible first impression for myself as aggressive and cringe worthy human being and it all culminates into me feeling pathetic.
You’re very hard on yourself, Hale. Usually when we criticize ourselves like that, it means we have been criticized and treated harshly as children. Was that the case with you?
I’m grateful for the people in my life who love me, every so often I get a lovely note from a family member or family friend letting me know how much they love me and my spirit is lifted.
That’s good to hear that there are people in your life who love you and care about you.
But it always crashes down. I am reminded of my past actions, the loneliness weighs and I am alone.
Your feeling of guilt and not being good enough, and being “cringe worthy” is stronger, and it causes you to shut down and isolate from people, feeling unworthy. Is that what’s going on? Please share some more, if you feel like it.June 19, 2021 at 12:58 pm #381703
I mean: useless, talentless , unimportant and pitiful.June 19, 2021 at 1:02 pm #381704
Thanks for your response, I cried a bit reading it because yes, I was criticized and treated harshly as a child. I do isolate myself from people and I wonder if I simply self sabotaged my friendships. My loneliness is probably well deserved after making such a bad first impression I find it’s not easy to make another new friend group of my peers in college.June 19, 2021 at 3:49 pm #381714
I am sorry that you were treated harshly as a child, and that as a result, you are suffering as a young woman. You wrote in your original post that it felt good for you when you said that you are pathetic, meaning that you are “useless, talentless , unimportant and pitiful”-
– (answer only if you want to): if you could magically make anything you want happen: what kind of a 23 year old woman would you be, and what kind of life would you have?
anitaJune 19, 2021 at 4:46 pm #381759
Even though I was criticized as a child and treated harshly I was still loved. I may not have been treated any harsher than my peers but I was very sensitive to every slight. There was a lot of public humiliation as discipline and I’ve began the process of retraining myself. So I’d like to be able to shine in public instead of hiding and thinking that I’m invisible, I’d like to have a talent, playing the violin, I’d like to have a tight knit group of friends who care for my presence. I’d like to finish University quickly and begin living. I’d like to have a tiny house on a mountain, with a Doberman. Most of all, I’d like to feel a sense of acceptance by my peers, to have people looking upon me as a good person and not some mismatch of gossip they’ve heard about me, to be looked at in a positive light. I’m sure it’ll take some time to reach there. But for the while, pathetic is my adjective. Thank you for listening.June 19, 2021 at 5:09 pm #381761
As I read about what you wish: to shine in public, to play the violin, to have a Doberman and live in a tiny house on a mountain… I smiled and felt a warm feeling for you. Then I read: “to be looked at in a positive light”- and I thought to myself: I just did, I just looked at Hale in a positive light!
You wrote: “Even though I was criticized as a child and treated harshly I was still loved”- I wonder how you were loved and I wonder if you felt loved… I remember when I was a child- the new clothes, toys, gifts.. did not at all make up for the harsh treatment.
(I will be away from the computer for a few hours)
anitaJune 19, 2021 at 7:37 pm #381767AnonymousInactive
I share.. You quietly contemplate.
As I only share one time..
Rarely perfect Wisdom ever came from the idea of a perfect life.
And all your troubles are the effects from your emotions.
People will come and go in your life = Of course.
If something begins means on the time it also must end.
Mistakes in behaviour at the beginning of the life are of great value if you can see them from another corner.
When seen correctly, mistakes give us an occasion to look within our own nature. Look without judgement or discrimination to see, understand, fix and clean everything inside.
Do not scare of mistakes.
Must courage to face to face with yourself.
The suffering you feel is your attachment to keeping the appearance each situation.
Practice to observe your mistakes the same way you would observe a broken cup outside you.
There is no need for any feelings about the cup. Only focus on what is needed to fix.
Important is this detail. Once you have acknowledged your mistake..You have quietly seen the better way.
You have fixed and cleaned your mind of everything.
You must have the courage to forget everything.
Because my friend.. The life always moves and changes.
What you keep.. Keeps you!
How much time and possibilities are lost from keeping emotional attachments to an imaginary past or future.
When you keep the attachment to the appearance of the life.
Meaning.. Emotions attached to past situations..
Then my friend.. You are the master and builder of your own private prison.
My path to Enlightenment was one of more mistakes than you could imagine.
Many hells and dark forests did I experience.
But I overcame all.
Am I special? No.
I escaped everything from facing everything.
The courage to faith in myself to keep going and discovering.
KEEPING is the prison of many. Like stagnant water that becomes polluted. So too does the Soul in the effects from keeping.
In this life you have the nature of the man.
What is the duty of the man?
To overcome everything!
Become the big tree of the forest you must face many storms and keep going in your purpose.
Your loneliness is your blindness. Loneliness is the effect from dwelling in emotions attached to your thoughts.
The Sun is alone but always bright.
Behaviour is the most important detail my friend.
Your behaviour inside and out in each situation and moment.
Practice to become more aware of what is taking place within. Because once you begin to see yourself from within you can begin choosing the right behaviour in each moment.
There is no living of life and self growth without mistakes.
Stand up inside yourself.
You put your energy toward growing up your Soul or towards suffering in self pity is always your choice.
When you constantly look back in the emotions..
You live with one foot in the grave.
Your a young man full of possibilities. You are lucky but you don’t realize it.
You know inside that you can improve inside.
Be grateful my friend.
Sometimes we must say thank you with our mistakes.
Each night before you sleep. Check back your day.. The same way you would view a movie.
Ask yourself.. What could you fix? Not from emotions but from awareness and Wisdom.
Again I say.. Not from emotions.
Then fix and clear everything so that you wake up each day ready with the life. Ready!
The courage to give unconditionally.
You must become your own best friend inside.
In each moment. Each step. Each fall.
Now you have the time to begin grow up your awareness and understanding.
Always face to face with everything my friend. Not waste time in the darkness of emotions that blind your ability to see things clearly.
Your behaviours today are your effects for tomorrow.
You are the master and sower of your own field.
Grow weeds or flowers always depends on you.
Love and forgiveness are one. Begin within yourself.
The purpose of the life is to come back to your original bright pure nature.
Don’t be late my friend.
As Too Late, did becomr the name of many.
Each of us must become the brave warrior of our own Soul. Sharpen the sword of Wisdom.
The only true success in this life is when you overcome everything within yourself that obstructs you from discovering your bright, clear and original nature.
When you win you.
These ideas are only to invitour curiousity within.
Like strange rocks on the path of your life.
Its ok. Keep going. It’s ok.
Wind.June 20, 2021 at 3:58 pm #381785
Thank you for looking at me in that light. One day I will become that person you smiled uponJune 20, 2021 at 6:51 pm #381789
You are welcome. “One day I will become that person you smiled upon”- you are already that person, just need to … love her truly, and she will shine, like you want her to.
anitaJune 21, 2021 at 7:30 am #381797
Thank you for this lovely message, it has inspired me in many different ways. Thank you Thank you Thank youJune 21, 2021 at 8:39 am #381803
You are very welcome. I am so glad to read your message, it makes me feel good. Anytime you want to talk to me about anything, please post and I will reply to you anytime!
anitaJune 22, 2021 at 6:54 am #381842TeaKParticipant
I am very glad you’re feeling better after anita’s encouraging words: One day I will become that person you smiled upon”- you are already that person, just need to … love her truly, and she will shine, like you want her to.
You started this thread proclaiming you’re pathetic, and that it feels good to express it. Do you still want to describe yourself as pathetic, or it has shifted somewhat?
Even though I was criticized as a child and treated harshly I was still loved. I may not have been treated any harsher than my peers but I was very sensitive to every slight. There was a lot of public humiliation as discipline and I’ve began the process of retraining myself.
Public humiliation is a very hard thing for a child. It really kills our self-esteem. Do you feel like sharing some more about it? How did it happen (was it related to you performing, e.g. playing an instrument?) It could very well be that public humiliation and criticism is what makes you believe you make a horrible first impression and are a “cringe worthy” human being.
By the way, “pathetic” is what your inner critic says about you (and perhaps what your parents and/or teachers made you believe about yourself). Your inner critic is harassing your inner child, who wants to be loved, be seen and be validated…June 30, 2021 at 1:59 pm #382201
How are you, Hale?