Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for guiding me and providing the motivation to be courageous and be my authentic self!!! It goes a long way.. I have decided to write about this 1.6 years relationship as it is..that’s the way it should be as I feel, since I don’t want to hide or run away from telling how I feel about this relationship…

It was the most beautiful, meaningful and joyous relationship, I have ever had with anyone…But..it was not an understanding one… Since, I don’t want to blame her for anything, I’m just minimizing the You did it or she did it, those kind of words.. pardon me, if it is too much confusing or being magnanimous, not to hurt anyone, even in words…

AND I QUOTE:

By all standard definitions, She used to be an energy vampire. She lived in her own self-created drama, prone to rages, complaints, and self-pity. she exhausted the people around her and played games of control, superiority, and victim hood.

I’ve heard this bundle of behaviors called a “personality type,” and I think that is as obscene as saying that a hungry person has a “Hungry Personality Type.”

An energy vampire, by definition, is someone who cannot create or sustain their own positive energy, so they take it from others. An energy vampire, by my own experience of that definition, is someone lacking in self-love and trying to pull that love out of others.

Such a person is simply hungry, not inherently flawed. This is exactly who she was!! when I started to see her from a third person’s perspective…

This made me curious and intrigued me to get closer to her, to find out why is she like this? and what is making her to do like this?? Since she was my distant and far distant relative,(we live in the same city)…but relationship is distant…

So, I started getting closer to her on a normal level, everyday chats, calls and sharing common and general things…over a period of time, I came to know, she had a very trouble and abusive childhood, being the first daughter and only daughter, she had to take care of her life and her brother’s life at the age of 16. Living with an abusive father was not so easy for her…I understood that…

The real twist in her life came, when she got married, her partner was exactly the opposite way she expected him to be..more abusive and more dangerous(hurts her every single day through words and actions, but not physical abuse). He loved her so much, to an extent that, he started suffocating her…for 19 years…So, I really felt, I should really help this person to come out of her beliefs and sorrows and to comfort her, make her happy and feel loved for who she is and she was….(since I was also going through same kind of relationship issues with my partner, but not for this long)…

So, it happened that we both were looking for a vent, an emotionally supportive person, who can offer a shoulder to lean on and cry, when you feel down…a person, with whom, you can be yourself, sharing and caring about anything under the sun… and not judgmental, for who you are, but to look at you and be with you for who you are even in spite of all the flaws and shortcomings….of course, all of us have flaws..

I’m stopping here..More to come..In the meanwhile, let me know, what do you think, about my behavior in this part..Was it right for me that I did it? or should I have waited for some more time to get to understand this person better and then should’ve been closer to her as I am today? What do you think?

• This reply was modified 8 years ago by JVR.

Dear Anita,

To answer your questions:

What was the beauty in this relationship?: She was there for me every time, I was down, She made me laugh, be happy, confident, cry, but also, made me go through a lot of hardships as long as my personal space and time for myself is concerned. She is like a two sides of the coin(she is too good, when she is good and happy) (too bad, when she is not happy or stressed, because of her stubborn nature). I find this relationship beautiful because, she pulled me up, when I was in a time of morally low, with low self esteem and was living a life of dull and boring life(just for the sake of living) isolating myself from everyone and just spending empty and blank days altogether)

What was the meaning in this relationship to you?: As you know, I’m not living with my parents for the past 5 years, I live in a different state(but, visiting them, once in every two months). Since I was missing my mom and that feeling was lingering in me every single day, when she came into my life and started taking care of me(mostly virtually and often physically), I felt her like my mom both loving, caring, nurturing with genuine interests about my emotional and physical well being, but always strict and getting things done in her own way…this means, if she wants me to do something, which benefits her beliefs, I must do it, else, she literally threatens me that, she will leave me.. so, I used to get scared of leaving this relationship and did everything and once that is done, she is happy again and will get back to me in the same way she used to be..Now, I’m realizing that, I have exhibited the same nature which was ingrained in me by my father and I didn’t had the courage to say no to this women, when I really didn’t wanted to do it..

Now, I feel, there was no meaning at all for all the time and energy and my personal space and love, I have invested in this relationship..

What was the joy you experienced?: Being with her, gives me the inner strength, I feel like, I can do anything, if I’m with her and I will be confident in doing it, and that’s the way, she treated me…I”m not sure, if I’m even putting it in the right way, Its just a feeling, I”m not able to explain correctly.. feeling so confused…