Home→Forums→Tough Times→People forgetting that you're grieving
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August 10, 2016 at 12:40 am #112036
ElizaParticipantSince my brother died two weeks ago, other people’s happiness bothers me and makes me feel bad. I’ve stopped going on Facebook or Instagram because of that, it really hurts me that everyone is going on with their lives and having fun whereas I’m having the worst time of my life. Even today one of my work colleagues, whose excessive cheerfulness has always made me nervous/anxious, started singing and joking and I couldn’t help feeling disrespected. How can he be singing in front of me when I’m grieving? But at the same time I understand that their world doesn’t revolve around me, that their lives fortunately haven’t changed and that I don’t have the right to expect people being sad with me. But at least they could have some tact, don’t they?
Was it disrespectful from his part to sing in front of me or is it just the pain that’s making me over sensitive?August 10, 2016 at 5:01 am #112039
InkyParticipantHi elm0505,
In the old days people wore black as a symbol of mourning ~ more for other people IMOH. When you saw a little Southern European woman wearing black, you knew instinctively to be respectful.
On the flip side, in our family funerals are more of a party when we get back to the house. Laughing, crying, reminiscing. It’s good to smile and chuckle as your loved one would want you to be happy.
Your co-worker sounds clueless though. Maybe pull him aside and say, “I know this is a weird request, but my brother literally just died. Could you keep the singing and joking down to like, one song or joke a day? Thanks!”
Blessings,
Inky
August 10, 2016 at 6:05 am #112041ElizaParticipantHi Inky. In fact I live in Spain where, up to a couple decades ago, it’s was the norm wearing black when mourning, but we dedided no to do so with my brother, as he as a young person and besides that he wouldn’t have liked that (in fact everyone dressed in white in his funeral). I guess people just don’t know how to behave in these moments, unluckily our society doesn’t teach us about facing death.
Thanks for you answer.August 10, 2016 at 7:45 am #112044
AnonymousGuestDear elm0505:
I am sorry your brother died and he died young. As to your question about the co worker, assuming he knows, then his behavior was disrespectful and I would tell him that, matter of fact, at the least, I would tell him so if he does it again. Let him know you need him to tone down the expressions of his joyfulness for a month or so.
Would you like to share about your brother: what was he like and what took his life?
anita
August 10, 2016 at 8:45 am #112051ElizaParticipantHi Anita
Thanks for your words. My brother was 29 years old, healthy, outgoing, he played soccer, always smiling, people loved him. And my mom found him dead in his bed. We still don’t know the results of the autopsy and it’s going to take long, which is extending my agony. I don’t know if knowing the cause of his death is going to help but we’re still too shocked to assimilate what’s happened. I really hope it was sudden death and he didn’t suffer 🙁
As for my coworker, he started singing again (this time it was “I’m so excited”, can you believe it?) some minutes ago and I just gave him this look, because I knew that if I opened my mouth I would start crying and I didn’t want that. I guess he took the hint because he shut up immediately. I know he’s not a bad person, he even lost his mum in circumstances similar to my brother’s but I guess he doesn’t realise he’s being disrespectful.August 10, 2016 at 9:07 am #112053AnonymousGuestDear elm0505:
Well, I hope he understands that he is indeed disrespectful by the look you gave him. I hope he connected the fact that you are experiencing a death in the family AND that look FOLLOWING his singing.
A death in the family, when unexpected is shocking. Here is a living, playing, laughing young man, and suddenly… gone. Permanently gone. Making one wonder: is this all? Is this all life is, here one moment, gone the next and the world acts as if nothing happened…?
The other day I walked, my regular walk out and I had this image that one day this road I am walking on will still be here only I will no longer be walking, no longer to visit it ever again. It is mind boggling, to know. Animals who cannot think, who don’t have the language, they are lucky that way.
The following is my thinking that may not fit you to engage in, so please don’t. On the other hand it may be fitting. Do what is right for you, please:
From reading a previous reply you posted on someone else’s thread, I got the impression that you were not a happy person, before your brother’s death. Sometimes siblings take opposite niches in the family. If one is the Responsible one, the other is the Irresponsible; if one is the Sad one, the worrier, the other takes the available Happy-go-lucky opening. Do you think that happened in your family?
anita
August 10, 2016 at 2:02 pm #112086
KavaParticipantI am so sorry to hear of your brother’s death. It’s been a few months since someone very, very close to me died. About the same age as your brother. Other people’s happiness can indeed be frustrating. I even feel bad when I myself have a good day and find myself laughing. I don’t really have any words of advice, but I just want you to know I am sorry to hear about your brother and your sadness. I am going through the same thing. Every day is hard. Just have to take it day by day, sometimes minute by minute.
August 11, 2016 at 12:02 am #112125ElizaParticipant@anita As a matter of fact I started suffering from mild depression from the beginning of this year but just two weeks before my brother’s death I was discharged by my therapist because I was no longer feeling bad. The curious thing is that now some of my friends are asking me if I’m going back to therapy, and my answer is “Before this, I went to therapy because I wasn’t feeling well and I didn’t know why. But now I know the reason of my pain.”
@surajmukhi Thanks for your support. Those are the words that most people who have gone through something similar tell me: we just have to take it day by day…August 11, 2016 at 8:01 am #112139AnonymousGuestDear elm0505:
Yes, you definitely know the reason for your pain and I am sorry you are in pain. Please do post anytime. Wishing you well.
anita
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