I need help.

I met this woman last summer while I was in a relationship, and fell in love. We had a torrid affair then I had to move out of the country and we never made promises to each other, I didn’t know if I was coming back. I ended my primary relationship and tried to date other people but always came back to the thought of this woman I fell in love with that summer.

I came back to my country for 3 months and we started to talk, but she was back in her 5 year old relationship and was a little reluctant to catch thing up where we left them, but eventually she gave in and we became lovers again. She and I made all these plans of a future, looking at apartments, choosing pets and I started to look at wedding dresses. She said I was the one and that she wanted it all with me, yet she did not make the decision of finishing her relationship where she said she didn’t know why she started again since she could not even articulate the words love and the other girls name in the same sentence, and continued to say I she ”wanted it all” with me.

Today is her birthday and we planned a birthday dinner, I ordered wine and planned a menu, Im wearing a pretty dress and I was meeting everyone after work, and she just cancelled dinner because ger GF is in town and she doesn’t want any ”trouble”… Im left on my own, alone, trying to be kind, and understand. My friends advised me to walk away and let her reach me, I emailed her and said I couldnt do this anymore, that I loved her maddly and deeply but I had to love myself more first, and this was neither kind or fair for none of us.

This was the first woman in my life I have wanted to be monogamous to, my first true love after many hurtful experiences. I know that I deserve better, deep inside, but I don’t know how to deal with this. I need help, some guidance or someone who understands a little bit of what I’ve written here. I’m truly heartbroken and desperate. People say Im gonna be okay but I feel pretty much like dying right now.