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People say I deserve better

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  • #38508
    Star
    Participant

    I need help.

    I met this woman last summer while I was in a relationship, and fell in love. We had a torrid affair then I had to move out of the country and we never made promises to each other, I didn’t know if I was coming back. I ended my primary relationship and tried to date other people but always came back to the thought of this woman I fell in love with that summer.

    I came back to my country for 3 months and we started to talk, but she was back in her 5 year old relationship and was a little reluctant to catch thing up where we left them, but eventually she gave in and we became lovers again. She and I made all these plans of a future, looking at apartments, choosing pets and I started to look at wedding dresses. She said I was the one and that she wanted it all with me, yet she did not make the decision of finishing her relationship where she said she didn’t know why she started again since she could not even articulate the words love and the other girls name in the same sentence, and continued to say I she ”wanted it all” with me.

    Today is her birthday and we planned a birthday dinner, I ordered wine and planned a menu, Im wearing a pretty dress and I was meeting everyone after work, and she just cancelled dinner because ger GF is in town and she doesn’t want any ”trouble”… Im left on my own, alone, trying to be kind, and understand. My friends advised me to walk away and let her reach me, I emailed her and said I couldnt do this anymore, that I loved her maddly and deeply but I had to love myself more first, and this was neither kind or fair for none of us.

    This was the first woman in my life I have wanted to be monogamous to, my first true love after many hurtful experiences. I know that I deserve better, deep inside, but I don’t know how to deal with this. I need help, some guidance or someone who understands a little bit of what I’ve written here. I’m truly heartbroken and desperate. People say Im gonna be okay but I feel pretty much like dying right now.

    #38511
    Matt
    Participant

    Star,

    You sound like a great woman, to have planned such a wonderful birthday experience for your loved one! I can understand why you might think “I deserve better” and you’re right… but not “better than her” rather “better than this feeling of abandonment”.

    For some odd reason, you’re the “other woman”. Is there something unsaid that is holding your gf in the relationship with the other? Are they married or have children or something? Is there a material attachment like living in the home? It sounds like there is something there either unsaid by you or by her that is holding her back.

    From your side, is she worth it? She sounds like she is split, and it is important for her to heal that. Remember that it is her split though, not yours. Your side is “do I love her enough to be patient while she grows/heals/decides”. That is between you and your heart! Said differently, if we don’t make their growth about us, we have the ability to patiently wait for them to join us where we are. If we want to wait, that is. Unfortunately, it can be lonely while they figure out their junk.

    I really like your own advice to love yourself. Perhaps try to get into one of your hobbies? Take a bath? Have a good cry? Whatever you do to self-nurture is a great plan. Leave the sorting out what to do next for later… painful emotions can really shift our intentions, make us lash, make us selfish and so on.

    With warmth,
    Matt

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