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People say I'm too negative and morose

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  • This topic has 6 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 9 years ago by Anonymous.
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  • December 3, 2015 at 9:31 am #88802
    arguseyed
    Participant

    I have struggled a lot with making friends right from when I was a little kid. I don’t have many friends to speak of even today. I have rarely been on a second date and I’m 33 and freaking out about being alone forever. I have suspected for a while that this is all because I’m too negative. I can’t help talking about what’s bothering me with others. I suffer from anxiety issues and can’t control what’s going on inside me. I asked a male friend today if he could give me perspective on why relationships don’t work out for me. He said people were drawn to funny, interesting, whimsical and amusing things.They’ll only accept other people’s misery when it’s bundled with something else, like looks or charm or affection or humour. Your sharp wit and intellect are you strengths, but they’re just so buried underneath all the misfortune.

    I grew up in a negative environment and got conditioned to think that way. Apart from that, things didn’t work out for me. I have allergies that make me feel miserable most of the day. Add to that the anxiety issues. It is rare that something fun or interesting happens to me. Either I can choose to not talk to anyone or bring up my miseries as people put it. I actually have a list of people who have told me that I’m too negative. I’m not sure how to fix it and it seems that it will never end. I am trying meditation but I’m just so dejected.

    December 3, 2015 at 10:28 am #88812
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Divya:

    There is no easy or simple solution to your predicament. You obviously had a severely abusive, negative childhood. Your FORMATIVE years, those childhood years, are when the brain forms and neurological pathways, connections between neurons in the brain are formed. You don’t “grow out” of those pathways because your body grows and because you age. These pathways can be changed through a long term process involving insight, skills and certain choices you make during the process. Neuro-pathways can be changed. There are millions connections between billions of brain cells in one brain.

    What I believe is happening with you is that you are troubled by what happened to you in childhood. There are conflicts, unresolved. The child that you were and still are, the child in you that you cannot live without, is probably held hostage in the past, imprisoned in false beliefs you formed then. Those false beliefs are making you miserable (because they are not true). When you get together with a person, the child part of you wants HELP. No wonder she wants help. Desperately.

    You will need to help yourself and you will need others’ help. The person that gave you the feedback sounds reasonable and perceptive. Yet, you probably need help of a GOOD psychotherapist. With that kind of help you will travel back to your childhood- with the therapist who will guide you to not just visit the way you have done so far, but in a different way, in a way that you will be able to SEE things you haven’t seen before, not at all in the same way or the same clarity and conviction of seeing. And over time you will be able to free that child in you from the prison she is in.

    Then you could be that whimsical, funny and amusing person, at least at times. Right now, this person, you, needs help.

    As you hopefully get the therapy help that you need, try when you meet some others to not ask them for help (you will focus your need for help on the therapist… or maybe here on this forum0 and free those interactions a bit from your need for help. See what happens. Experiment with it.

    anita

    December 4, 2015 at 8:55 pm #88905
    arguseyed
    Participant

    I wouldn’t say abusive childhood, but there was emotional negativity. There still is as I still live with my parents. I don’t think I can go to a therapist. I have tried that twice and it did not work for me. My parents did not support me when I told them that I needed therapy and even now I can’t tell them that I need to be at therapy. Although, I’m quite certain they both could use therapy for themselves.

    I have made a conscious effort to not reach out to friends for help. But it slips through at times because that is who I am. I have had friends who thought I was strange and I had a hard time explaining why I was like that because their parents were more positive to them.

    December 4, 2015 at 9:11 pm #88907
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Divya:

    When your parents did not give you the love you needed, did not have empathy for you, did not see your pain and did not try to help you, and still they do not, this is abuse. Abuse is not only physical beating and starving a child. Abuse is not treating a child with enough positive attention. Positive attention is a REAL need a child has. In your case this biological, real need was not satisfied, not even close. This is why you feel strange. If you were loved as a child, no way you would be feeling strange or weird now. Please post more if you would like. What are your plans regarding separating from your parents? When and how?

    Maybe then you can attend a GOOD therapy, not just any therapy. I understand many are not good enough, but some are and you will need a good enough therapist, I believe. Hope you post again. Tell more about how your need for positive attention was not met?

    anita

    December 5, 2015 at 1:21 am #88911
    Lena Hong
    Participant

    Hi Divya,

    Believe we have a similar background in terms of having been brought up in a not-so-positive environment. It could have resulted in and/or added to our largely negative outlook of life, hence people think we are pessimistic.

    I am an introvert, and introverts have a very active brain that is links many things together, and enjoy deep conversations with people, even if we have not known the person very long. I love the connections at a deeper, more meaningful level. I’m not sure if you feel the same? For me, I have also made the mistake of going deep too early, which can definitely scare people off if they are not ready. For first dates, we must really make a conscious effort to control what we say. Topics like family, career, friends, hobbies – we can go very deep, but let’s save it for subsequent dates so that we assess if the other party is ready or interested. I’m glad you have that good friend who shared his frank opinions. Although it sounds real superficial, we do have to consciously keep conversations light for those first dates.

    Sorry, not sure if I make sense here. 🙂

    December 6, 2015 at 9:14 am #89006
    arguseyed
    Participant

    Anita – I can’t remember many specific incidents and I’m still trying to unravel everything despite being 33. I would say it was the notion that I wasn’t smart enough, didn’t work hard enough and when I did make decisions (small minor ones) there was disapproval. All this has managed to come down mainly after I managed to get 3 university degrees and a job. My parents don’t socialize much and I lead a fairly isolated life apart from school. Now when I look back, I think it was the disapproval on my mom’s face. Even now when I want to go out she says don’t without any apparent reason. Maybe, she wants me to help her in the house, but then she never says anything about that. She raised me in a way where I wasn’t expected to and now suddenly there are different expectations. It’s not like she yelled at me, but there was this feeling of not being emotionally close to her. I would not go to her or would think a lot before going to her with my problems unless it was being physically ill. I still don’t go to my parents for any problems because I know they will never understand and they cannot give a relevant solution. I feel my parents are socially inept and they don’t know how to deal with the outside world and we have conflicts about that. A few of my relatives while growing up would judge me and I don’t understand why they did that. I wasn’t polite enough according to them. All my needs were taken care of – food, shelter and education. But, emotionally I was never appreciated and my negatives were magnified. In general, my parents are very negative people and I don’t think they are happy from inside.

    As for getting away from them, I’m trying to look for another job but haven’t found one yet. I don’t think I’ll get jobs near where I live, so I’m going to have to move out. Alternatively, I want to start something of my own but won’t be able to move out because I won’t have enough to pay my bills.

    Givingroses – I understand what you are saying. I am an introvert as well and yes I do prefer deeper conversations. I do avoid deeper conversations on the first date. I usually talk about my work and hobbies. My work hasn’t been going great and when sometimes people ask me about that, it may trigger some negative emotions with me trying to explain why my workplace is not a good fit for me. But, I try and not talk much about that. If the negativity comes through, it’s totally unintentional and I don’t realize it. I’m also a very anxious person and it can get hard for me to concentrate on something happy when I’m feeling anxious about something. I guess I’ve been sharing quite a bit with this friend because he told me that he also faced similar emotional problems and I have been feeling a bit low lately. I have severe allergies and I live in a highly polluted environment which makes me sluggish and hence more morose. Another friend of mine says that dating hasn’t worked out for me because I didn’t click with someone else. I also think that somewhere people can pick those negative vibes of mine. I don’t know. But I try….

    December 6, 2015 at 3:25 pm #89061
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Divya:

    I think it will be an excellent move on your part, to move out and away from your parents AND the highly polluted area you live in. It will be good for your health overall, allergies and anxiety. Once you live away from them, keeping minimal to no contact, you will be able to move forward with your healing, healing that is necessary for you…

    You were not born an introvert or anxious… or not smart enough or any of these things. You were born loving. You loved your parents deeply. You naturally reached out to your mother, your father. You stopped reaching out because how they reacted when you reached out again and again. Your mother in particular, when you reached out to her, rejected you or ignored you, disapproved of you… so you felt alone, growing up, alone, again and again. There was no one to comfort you when you were anxious.

    The joy, the hope, the energy, all these ALIVE emotions are buried with the child in you who is still ALONE. Alone and scared. How can a child be happy when alone and scared?

    There is nothing you can do to receive the comfort you always needed from your parents. You may still be waiting for it. You stopped reaching out actively but you may still be waiting for the source of comfort from where there is none.

    Comfort is still what you need, quality companionship where you are validated and approved and respected. You need a face that is looking at you, unlike your mother’s face, with that warm, approving look. Saying in that look: I like you. I like who you are. I am glad you are in my life!

    Search for such a person, such people, slowly receive that kind of comfort and give it back, over time. Your hope is in a relationship with someone else, not your parents, not the family members you know.

    In my experience, it has been extremely painful (no other pain greater so far) in WANTING so desperately to be loved and approved by my mother and NOT getting it. There is nothing I ever wanted stronger than her love, her approval, her being happy that I was in her life. I carry this pain and I am relaxing into it. It is better for me to do so than to keep hoping for what will not happen, for what I no longer want to wait for.

    Post anytime. hope you move out and have the good therapy you need for insight and skills. It is not too late for you.

    anita

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